healing is not linear - A Memoir by Frances Edelstein

Chapter 10: Summer 2019

Trigger warnings: self-deprecation, relationship anxiety

Going home for the summer was a bittersweet feeling. I was going to miss my roommate (I didn't realize how bad she was for my mental health yet) and Chris, who I was still dating at the time (fun fact: right before I left for home for summer break, I went to his senior prom and I realized how boring he was). When I got home, it was kind of weird to sleep in my own bed, but after a while, I looked forward to it. It took me a while to readjust my sleeping schedule. My family is a bunch of early risers, and getting up at 11am every day wasn't that great; I felt like I was missing out on quality time with my family. It took a while and a couple of miserable groggy mornings, but after a while, I felt more rested than ever! Things were going pretty well, especially after things with Chris ended. The long-distance was stressful over the summer. I worked hard on my pet portrait business, which was my primary way of income, and read more, most of the time outside with my dog next to me. She loves to lay down in the summer sun, so when I was laying down and reading, she was likely to show up. I went to a couple amazing concerts with my parents (I converted my mom from a "Top 20s" music fan to a hard rock fan the previous summer), and they were amazing. It's so fun going to concerts with my mom because we literally just turn into funny, social gals when we go together. My mom is always social and fun-loving, and it's really rubbed off on me.

In the middle of the night one time, I was talking to my friend about the struggles I had in the past regarding my eating disorder, and he was so supportive and proud of me. Up until this point, the only person that I told besides my family was with a tight-knit handful of friends, who were incredibly supportive, and a couple actually said they struggled with something similar. Since it was so late and I was in an emotional mood, I decided to do a side-by-side of me when I was in the worst times of my eating disorder versus me then, in summer 2019. I wrote a very long caption about how I wanted to finally be open and honest, far I've come, and to tell others they aren't alone, that they can talk to me because I can relate and understand what they're going through, and that they are beautiful. When I woke up the next morning, I had a pretty good amount of notifications on my phone. I was amazed by the comments and likes. The amount of people saying they were proud of me and I was an inspiration left me in awe. I was inspiring people, I was helping people like myself. This was amazing. I wanted to keep helping, and so I kept posting and talking to people that reached out to me, and now I'm writing this, and I hope to do talks one day soon. It's so incredible how far I've come, and how much past struggles can help others. I felt like I was in Hell and that I would never get out, but now I'm helping others like me, and I couldn't be happier. I see the world with new eyes, and I want to help the world as much as one young woman can.

Another amazing thing that happened that summer was meeting my current boyfriend. I joined a dating app, since I was single and totally over Chris' bullshit. I added a couple seflies, made a cute bio, added my snapchat, you know, all that millennial stuff, and I started swiping. There were some cute guys, some creepy guys, some guys that were trying to get me to join his fight for communism in the United States (true story), and I talked to a couple guys, but the conversations were starting to die. I didn't mind being single, but I also liked meeting now people, so this was a way of doing that, and maybe finding someone I'm interested in. On the very first day, I noticed a guy's bio that simply said "looking to h*ld h*nds" just like that, like it was a curse word or something. I thought it was adorable, and told Elissa about it. The thing was, he only had a couple photos and they both had filters, so I couldn't tell what he really looked like. Swipe left.

Little did I know, this guy was going to be my future boyfriend. A couple days later, someone I don't know named Brian (he said I could use his real name) adds me on snapchat and says something to the effect of "I don't usually do this, but I had to take a chance with a cutie." It was really sweet, and for some reason I wanted to respond. At this point, I didn't take it too seriously; there are plenty of people on dating apps that seem nice at first but end up being creepy or douchebags. We started talking about bands we like, and we had pretty similar music taste, which was nice. At this point, I didn't know what he looked like, and I was still hesitant to get too involved because of that. What if I don't think he's attractive, or he's not who he says he is? So, I decided to take a video of the rain, and then switch the camera to me to show him I'm a real person, and hint that I want to know what he looks like. He sent a selfie back and I was so pleasantly surprised! He was really cute, and his eyes were gorgeous! (I still tell him at least once a day his eyes are pretty because I still can't get over it.) I told him his eyes were pretty, and he simply replied with a close-up of his eyes, saying "these are my seeing holes." Yup, I definitely knew I wanted to keep him around for a while.

We talked for hours, staying up past midnight, talking about everything and nothing. We had so much in common, I was wondering if he was just agreeing with me to seem relatable, so I started asking his opinions about things first, and it turns out, we really did just have a lot in common. I remember we were talking about hair styles, and literally at the same time we said we liked dreads. We were freaking out! How could we be this similar that we even say stuff at the same time?

So, we went on a date that Sunday to a local park. He tried to teach me how to skip rocks, even though I'm still not 100% sure how to do it. After that, we went to another park (on the way I got pulled over for the inspection rejection sticker on my windshield. It went fine but I was so embarrassed!), then to a university campus nearby that had a Chickie & Pete's. We got fries and talked about the cars and people there. Well, he talked about the cars because I knew literally nothing about them, but we both liked to tease and evaluate the people around us. We quite literally spent all day together, from about noon until past dark. We started dating, and it was another amazing addition to my summer. Up until this point, I thought dating your best friend was just a saying, and not a real thing, but he quickly became one of my best friends. I still call him "bro" and "dude," but I also tell him I love him, and I mean it. He truly cares about me, and I don't have the crippling relationship anxiety I did in the past; I think it's because of how casual and silly we are with each other. We don't act serious, but we still know we love each other, snuggle, and all the cute couple things. I do have anxiety every now and again, worrying if I'm boring or he's getting sick of me, and I'm honest and tell him. Talking it out is so, so important. The most important person to talk to about relationship anxiety is the person you are in the relationship with. The same goes for anything; if you are afraid your friend is mad at you, for example, the only two people that can solve it is you and your friend, not a third-party friend that will just gossip with you. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to vent to others, but if you are truly looking for a solution, you have to go directly to the other person it affects.

All in all, he is an amazing person, looking out for me and making sure I look out for myself, too. After Elissa came to visit over the summer, I realized she was fueling some of my anxiety and depression. When I told him this, he didn't get mad or judgmental, he simply said, "okay, how can we fix this?" and we came up with a solution together. I decided to switch roommates, and when it was official and I had to message her to let her know I'm not going to be rooming with her anymore, Brian drove 45 minutes from his house to mine just to sit next to me as I hit send on the message I was sending her, and waited until she replied. This goes for any other problem I have; if I tell him something that's bothering me, he doesn't blow it out of proportion, he just helps me through it until I'm okay again. I have told him more things about myself than anyone else I've ever dated, and I make it a point to be honest and open. He is open with me as well, and good communication makes a world of a difference in a relationship; you're never worrying what the other is thinking, because they just tell you flat out. He didn't even freak out when I shaved the sides of my head or dreaded my hair. He was surprised but supportive! I guess he realized if he's dating an artist, he needs to be prepared for anything!

Anyway, long story short, summer 2019 was amazing. For every low point in my life, there was another high point, where I was happier than ever. I had fun with my friends I missed so dearly, worked passionately on my business, and found a guy that cares about me more than I was ever used to in a relationship. I never wanted it to end, but it went way too fast. As you can probably guess, it was pretty sad when I had to return back to college at the end of August.