New Me

7: What the Bull?

Matapos ang aming very romantic and fateful encounter ni Joseph, walang araw na di lumipas na hindi siya ang laman ng aking isip. Tuwing umaga, nagpupursigi tuloy akong mag-jogging para may dahilan upang mapadaan sa basketball court. Ngunit hindi ko na siya nakikita roon, maliban sa gabi-gabing dating gawi na pinagmamasdan siya mula sa aming bakod. Hindi ko na alam kung paano siya lalapitan muli.

Nakabili na rin ako siguro ng isang box ng mga shirt na katulad ng pinagamit niya sa akin. Hindi dahil nagustuhan ko ang tela noon at balak suotin, kundi dahil nais kong palitan at iabot sa kaniya ang isang bagong shirt. Ngunit kada bili ko pakiramdam ko ay hindi katulad, hindi kasing puti, hindi kasing laki, hindi kasing liit, o kaya hindi kasing bango. Obsession na ba ito?

Hindi kaya, pag-ibig lang!

Maganda ang klima ngayong araw na ito, katamtaman lamang ang init ang ang simoy ng hangin ay malamig. Kaya naisip kong magpunta sa mall at ng makabili ng bagong damit na maari kong magamit sa una naming date ni Joseph.

Kahit ubod ng  bagal ang usad ng trapiko, masaya pa rin akong nagmamaneho. Ang mga nakapalibot na mga sasakyan ay businahan ng businahan, ngunit ako ay masayang nakikikanta sa himig ng musikang tumutugtog mula sa aking radio.

“RRWR 69.9, Love and Romance Radio…” ang sabi ng DJ sa akin mula sa speaker ng makabig ko ng kaunti ang dial at nawala ito sa normal na estasyong pinakikinggan ko. “DJ Bulldog here to guide you to the right path toward your love, lust, and romance.”

Tumaas ang kilay ko. Sagot ba ito sa aking panalangin? Binanggit mismo ng DJ ang tatlong bagay na nais kong makuha, well, medyo hindi masyado ang lust dahil after na iyon ng romance. Innocent muna ako kunwari, pero regardless, iyon pa rin ang nais kong makamit.

“So here we all are again on our Bi-weekly episode of hard-on love, lust, and romance advice from non-other than yours truly. Hold up, before you ask, I’m in no way certified by any sleezy schools to just to give “advice”—hear my quote and unquote—I’m mearly giving MY advice from my very own personal experiences. Take it or leave it.” Ang umaagas-as na boses ng DJ BullDog na ito ay very manly nga na may konting kagat.

“So today my friend what I got for yah are just simple tips, that I’m sure not only I, but other guys out there wishes for as well.” Ang pagpapatuloy niya. “Last week my ex-girlfriend finally walked out on me after all her shuffling, huffing, and dissing about our problems. Telling me I’m not communicating enough and I’m sucking the dear ‘ol emotional life off her. I say, Ha to that.”

Teka allowed ba iyang i-kwento niya ang kaniyang relasyon sa radio?

“So here’s what I wish girls knew ‘bout us simple guys…” huminto siya ng saglit, siguradong nagawa din ng dramatic effect na sinubukan kong gawin kay Nicolo noon na hindi naman successful. Pero ang dramatic pause ni DJ Bulldog ay super effective, ang tainga ko ay halos nakadikit na sa speaker, inaabangan ang susunod niyang sasabihin. “We ARE Simple!”

Aaargh, iyon lang? Bakit pa kailangan ng dramatic pause para doon? Ang bulong ko sa sarili habang nagsi-signal pa liko papunta sa mall.

“One night during our endless bouts of feelings, she told me exactly what I was supposed to say to make her feel happy and special. Wait for it, it gets worse. When I didn’t respond quite the way she like, she wrote me a script of what she’d like me to say. If you are wondering my fellow sympatizer, it listed as follows: ‘Mahal kita,’ ‘Miss kita lagi,’ ‘I think about you all the time,’ and ‘I’m lucky to be with you.’”

Hindi ba automatiko na iyan sinasabi, baka lang may communication issue talaga itong Bulldog na ito? Ang komento ko mag-isa.

“Ladies, ladies, ladies… please hear me out before you form a union and link arms against me. This will be for the sake of those men who are currently with you or the ones that would end up with you. Here’s a little free advice that I’d like to offer, I hope you take it to heart.”

Nag-dramatic pause ulit siya bago nagsimulang maglista ng kaniyang mga advice, na talagang interesado akong malaman.

“First, obviously if we are with you, it means we are into you. We either like you enough or we love you. That’s that. Second, what guys want to do, guys would simply do it. It’s human nature that if we enjoy something we surely would make time to do what we enjoy. That goes for both men or women. Though there are a few exception that may keep us form doing things we really enjoy, but as a general rule, if we’re not spending a heck 'lot of time with you, it’s because we don’t want to, not because we’re jerks. Well maybe some of us but not all of us.”

Well, I think isa ka sa kasama sa mga “jerks” na tinutukoy mo. Ang sabat kong muli sa radio.

“Bottom line is if we are not spending time with you, it’s either because you’re starting to be a huge pain in the neck, you’re no fun to be with any more, or you look like a train-wreck these days. So think about it… Now, let’s jump on our  third advice. Ladies, regardless how much you wish for it, we do not have the capacity to think about you all the time. ‘Cause guy’s brain are divided as follow: sex, sports, sex, food, sex, work, sex, music (if a guy is really into it), sex, DOTA (again if he’s a gamer), sex, getting fat, sex, getting old, sex, going bald. You fall along somewhere there, but here’s a thing with all the yapping and scripting and demanding is totally not sexy, and if you’re not fitting into our time for thinking about sex, you’re slipping down to the “work” slot and you wouldn’t want to be there.You should be sex.”

WoW! Talk about crude!

“The bottom line is, ladies, stop writing and demanding us to spout lines from your romance novel. They are writen by women for women to read. It’s unidealistic and far from the reality. We hear you ladies when you say you want to communicate, though we somehow get dellusioned by the idea that we do really have the chance to talk, but in the end it’s a code women use for ‘I’m talking and you’re listening.’ Then if we did talk it well better be what women want to hear or we will be unlawfully accused of ‘not communicating enough’ to ‘withholding emotionally.’ Seriously? Where’s the great old honesty there? Well, that’s all my tid bits of idea that I have time to share with you all. Until our next radio time lads and ladies, BullDog’s out!”

WOW!!

Iyon lang ang isang word ang masasabi ko pagkatapos pakinggan si BullDog. Nakatanga pa rin ako kahit wala na sa ere si Bulldog at puro musika na lamang ang naririnig ko dahil sa sobrang hindi makapaniwala sa mga bagay na aking narinig. Hindi ba ini-i-screen ang mga uri ng topic sa radio? Wow, talaga.

Magaspang ang pagsasalita niya. May kabastusan din at may pagkamayabang ang dating, pa-henglish henglish pa. Ngunit higit sa lahat tila swak sa kailangan ko. Totoong hindi siya ang tipo ng taong normal na makakasalamuha ko. Siya ang uri na kinatatakutan at iniiwasan ko dahil nakaka-intimidate ang paraan ng pagsasalita niya. Subalit mula sa narinig ko, mukhang alam na alam niya kung ano ang kailangan para maabot ng isang walang alam na babaeng katulad ko ang isang lalaking katulad ni Joseph.

Kaya ang goal natin ay makuha iyang Bulldog na iyan bilang ating coach, gawin siyang guide dog patungo sa puso ng ating iniirog.

Pagkaparada ko sa Mall, may bagong lukso ang aking hakbang at may mas malaking ngiti na sa aking mukha. Dahil ngayon may bago na akong planong alam kong matutulungan akong masmapalapit sa aking pangarap. Ang isang bagong buhay kasama ng aking dear Joseph.