So I go t therapy. Maybe it would work a little better if I actually opened up about how I feel. But you see, I'm kinda afraid of doing so. I'm not afraid of my therapist. I'm just afraid of people knowing everything about me. Wouldn't you be scared if you had nothing that was private and personal? The thought alone scares me. So to say that I have a very hard time opening up is an understatement. Anyways, back to the whole therapy thing, she said that I need to open up more about my true feelings. I mean I do. Sometimes. That's typically here though. Sure I'll talk about my feeling with my friends, but it's either not all of it, or it's completely fake. I'm scared of my friends hating me or rejecting me because of my thoughts or opinions or fears. Which is why I made this account. Because if they read this and knew it was me, I would probably end up trying to end myself. I know that I will get in my head about it. Hell, I already do. I know how I work. I won't stop thinking about it. It'll be the only thing on my mind. I'll start losing even more focus than I have lately in school and start doing really bad. I just see the bad grades as me being even more of a failure than I already am. I don't need that. Well, not right now at least. She said I need to stop isolating myself so much. That I need to socialize more often. I isolate myself because I'm afraid I'm gonna blow up. I did that all the time when I was little, why wouldn't I do it now? And I'm too scared to see if I've changed. I'm scared of hurting those I really care about. I'm scared of them not being able to forgive me and in turn I lose them forever. I'm scared that if I socialize a lot, people find out things that I don't want them to find out. I'm scared that I'll say stuff that I'll regret. I do that a lot with the minimal socializing I do. So shouldn't I only say even more regretful thing if I socialize more? The reason I created this account was so I could talk about my true feelings, my insecurities, my biggest fears and not be afraid of people knowing it's me. So when I was at therapy the other night, I kept thinking about this book. If I should share it with my friends. Maybe not all, but at least one. Just maybe they wouldn't hate me for all of the negative thoughts that race through my mind at a thousand miles per hour. Maybe that's just hopeful thinking that will tear me apart later. Lately it seems as if that's the only thing I'm capable of. Who knows?
Desperately,
A broken teenager
