The Secret Struggle

ReCreation

I sighed as I looked at my phone and realized that no one besides Hannah had tried to contact me at all since I'd gotten back to school after Thanksgiving. Noel was still mad at me. Keondre was just an asshole and I should have seen that he was only with me for my pussy. So I didn't really miss him at all, but I knew that I missed Noel. And I missed her badly.

I'd tried calling and texting Noel but she wouldn't answer me. She ignored me. Though it was possible she'd blocked my phone or got a new number, it seemed more like she was just plain ignoring me.

I decided to give things a one last change with her. I got on my computer and pulled up her email address that I had. I wanted to send her a letter. I knew that she could just delete it, but I was hoping that she wouldn't. It was my one last chance. I needed to tell her how I felt and I wanted her to know, but I couldn't think of any way where she wouldn't be able to delete it or throw it away without talking in person, but I didn't know of a way, or at least a humane way, to keep her so that she would actually listen to me. I opened up my email and compused a new message. I said:

Noel,

I love you so much. I know it's not necessarily in the way that you feel about me, but I can't change that. Trust me, I would in a heart beat. You mean so much to me. Since we've become friends, I've had the opportunity to find myself and become the person that I really need to be. I know it hurts breaking up, but I can't help it. I can't be with a girl in a relationship. Whether or not I believe that the Bible might or might not say that it's fine, I can't believe it for myself. I've tried to make myself believe it, but every damn time, it just doesn't work. I just want to hate myself for it. I want to believe that I can be with you and marry you, but I just can't. I need to be with a guy.

But I need you Noel. You're my best friend. You always will be. I know we can't kiss or have sex anymore, but we can still spend all of our time together. It doesn't have to end because of this. I don't want it to end. I want you to be right here with me. I want you to push me along and make me into the wonderful person that you have already made me to be. Without you, I'd be a stuck up snob and a bitch. But you've made me into a good person. And with that, I owe you my life. I owe you my everything for everything that you've done for me. That's just the fact of the matter. I can't change what's happened. And I never would.

Anyways, I just want to hear from you. I can understand you hating my ass. I don't blame you. I've been a bitch. I should have handled this better. But I need you. Please come back.

If nothing else, please just respond to me. Tell me to never talk to you again, or to fuck off and I will. I just need to know that you've heard me. And that you know that I am thankful for having met you. But I'll leave if that's absolutely necessary. Because I love you and want what's best for you.

Love,

Promise

I exited out of my email and went and laid down on my bed. I was really tired. It was a lot of work trying to keep up with everything that's been going on in my life. I'd come a long ways in only about three months. But I was thankful for it. Especially thankful of Noel.

"Promise." I heard the soft whisper in my ear and abruptly awoke from the sleep that I had apparently fallen into. I didn't even have to look to recognize the nice breath on my neck as being that of Noel's.

I quickly hoped up and nearly knocked her off the bed as I gave her a hug. "I'm so glad to see you. I've missed you so much." I kissed her on the cheek.

Noel looked at me with a blank expression as I backed away. "I wish I could say the same thing." She sniffled and rubbed tears from her eyes. "But I can't do this Promise. I'm in love with you and all I can think about is kissing you and making love to you. And if I can't have that, then I need to be alone. I just can't be friends with someone that I really like."