The Secret Struggle

Falling...Apart

I sat and stared at the screen as the professor droned on about who knows what. I really wasn't there at all. My mind was so far away I was sure I was in outer space. I just couldn't concentrate. I wanted to see Keondre again, but I knew that I couldn't. I wasn't willing to do what he wanted, and I didn't want the temptation and I didn't want to hurt him, so I knew that it would be best for me to just stay away from him and let him find someone else who wouldn't have a problem doing sexual stuff with him.

I knew that I was a bit of a hypocrite because I still masturbated and touched myself all the time, but I just really didn't give a d*mn. I was addicted and I couldn't stop it. Not to mention the fact that Noel was no hope. It seemed like she was practically encouraging me to be sexual. She also seemed to be acting really sexual whenever she was around me. It was really weird and I had no idea what was going on with her.

I sighed and tried to get my concentration back on up the screen but I was having a lot of problems with it. I really had too much going on in my life. I still wasn't full over Keondre, but I also wasn't ready to take him back. And then there was Noel. I never really knew what to do about her. She was really crazy. Sometimes that made me feel freer, but other times it made me really uncomfortable.

I wish there was some better way that I could sort through my feelings. I was doing everything that I could to try to figure out how I felt about all of these people and how I wanted to act, but I just didn't really know. It was too hard to know exactly what I needed to be doing. And it was pissing me off.

After the class was finally over, I went back to my dorm room and collapsed on my bed. "Lord. Please help me. I've made a mess of my life. I'm so far from where I used to be. Please help me to find my way back. I'm so sorry about where I've been. I just want to return to you." I was really praying for the first time in a while. It wasn't that I hadn't prayed recently, I just hadn't really meant it in the same way that I meant it at the moment. I was broken and I was in hell at the moment. There was absolutely nowhere else that I could turn. I really needed God more than ever.

Eventually I must have nodded off to sleep because the next thing I knew, I was waking up to the sound of my phone vibrating right by my face.

I looked at the phone and saw that I was getting a call from Noel so I decided that I would answer it. "What's up?"

"Hey Promise. I was hoping that we could get together soon. I am really bored and I just want something to do. Do you want me to come over? Do you want to come over here? Do you want to go somewhere else? I don't really care I just need to do something."

"It really doesn't matter to me. I don't have to work today so I'm free. I apparently just woke up from a nap I didn't realize I had taken. I need to do a little bit of homework at some point, so if you want to come over here, I'll get started on it right now, and maybe even finish it once your here, but I can at least keep you company until I'm finished."

"You're awesome Promise. I'll be right over."

I quickly moved over to my desk and got my stuff for homework together and began working on it. I wanted to get as much done as soon as possible so I didn't have to do much once she got here so that we could go out and do something. I needed to get out of the dorms and go do something in an attempt to get my mind off of things. Of course, since Noel was on my mind it might be a little annoying trying to be doing things with her, but there wasn't anything I could really do about that. I didn't have anyone else, and I still thought of Noel as a really good friend, so it made enough sense to me to just go and do something with her.

Noel arrived after a little while, and I quickly finished my homework. We decided that we'd go out and have some pizza for dinner and then just go walking around and maybe find something to do, or talk, or just do whatever. It didn't really matter, it was just really fun being around each other and something that we both needed really badly.