Think Again

"Bear with me."

Chapter 20 : “Bear with me. Please.”

‘Out of all the things in life, that I could fear, the only thing that would hurt me is if you weren’t here.’

I spent week after week outside Chris’ room, waiting for him to come out and tell me he’s okay. Or even let me know he’s there. On the other side of the door. Alive. 

I’m told that he only leaves the room as soon as I’ve left his house. It was like a knife twisting in my heart, hearing that. Knowing that it’s true. That he really doesn’t want me anymore. I knew just like anyone that I had to leave. I am as pathetic as ever, waiting outside his door like that day by day. My hope falters a little as the hours past.

Morning

As soon as mom’s left for work, I head straight for his mom’s place, like I always do as lifeless as that sounds. I vowed that today will be the last time I try. If I don’t get an answer today, I might as well leave and never come back. 

I come over so often that the door is never locked. Shelly never answers me at the door anymore. Instead, she gives me the same smile everyday when I walk in. A smile small and soft, like she pities me.

I don’t want her pity, I don’t want anyone’s pity.

I knock on his door, like I always do, just to let him know I’m here.

“It’s me.” 

And once again, I am met with silence. Nothing. No breaths. No shuffles. No footsteps. 

I close my eyes tight, tears threatening to fall out. The knife is jerking and pushing deeper into my heart. I’m bleeding so badly. 

Shelly comes up behind me and she’s going to tell me to go. That it’ll be okay. That he doesn’t need me.

Just a few more hours. Let me be. Just today. I swear it.

“Chris, if you’re even listening, I um think it’s better if I leave. I know I’ve upset you. But I never meant it. I never meant to do anything to hurt you. But I understand that you don’t want – need me. Sorry for all the trouble. I never meant to tire you but sadly, I’m a package deal. And I come with my problems, my worries and everything that you don’t want or need in your life. But that’s just me. I never wanted to let go. But that’s not up to me now, is it? I’m sorry, I talk too much. I um - ,” I choke back a sob, “I guess I’ll go. Goodbye, Christopher.”

I bring my bracelet to my lips, kissing it goodbye before leaving it on floor. I gather my stuff and get up to leave and never come back.

But I hear the squeak of an easel, indicating that a door has opened. 

No way.

I freeze, not daring to turn behind.

“Don’t leave me, please, Ana.”

I turn around so fast, I think I misplaced my spine. 

 I see him, leaning against the wall. He looks like shit. He hasn’t shaved in forever it seems, there are broken glass scattered everywhere near him. His wrists are wrapped in white gauze, his eye bags are dark and obvious. His eyes are bloodshot red. 

I walk slowly towards him, in case he takes his words back. But he doesn’t, instead he moves aside for me to come in. Once I enter his room, he elbows the door close and it squeaks in protest. 

I take a step closer to him and he snaps at me,

“What the fuck do you want from me?” 

It startles me, I take several steps back. The tears start back up and I sob vigorously.

“Ana, I didn’t mean it like that.” He gets up and walks over to me.

With every step he takes, I think one step back. This continues until my back hits the wall. My heartbeat accelerates and I think he’s going to do something like shout in my face. But he reaches up and touches my cheek. He caresses my face with the paddings of his thumb.

“I’m sorry, princess. Please don’t leave me. Are you really through with me?” He asks me, his eyes never leaving mine as tears pool over, rolling down his cheeks.

I lean up and kiss his tears away.

“Of course not. I love you so much, I need you more than air. I’m so afraid you’re through with me. I’m not leaving. It’s not possible. I’d rather die than live in a world without you. You are my everything. I thank god every day that among the seven billion people on this Earth, I was given the privilege to meet you.” I leave my hand on his cheek.

He holds my hand over his face and he plants a kiss on my palm before putting back on his face.

“You never let me finish the other day before you ran out.”

He says,

“I do love Yang,” And my arm goes limp but he holds in against his cheek, giving me one of those looks where I think I’m dead and brought to heaven.

“Why did you run? Why are you so afraid that I’m going to leave you? Do you really think so low of me?” He’s hurt.

Oh no.

“No, of course I don’t. But you can’t help it. Sometimes, you just lose feelings you had for someone, for no reason. I’m no beauty queen, I’m not perfect. And I’m really really disappointing. I’m bound to do something stupid for you to want to leave me. I ran because I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear you tell me you don’t love me anymore. But you’re the only one I want.” 

My eyes never leave his.

“If anything, I fall deeper and deeper in love with you every single fucking day. I don’t want perfect. I don’t want a beauty queen, you see, Ana. I want you. Only you. I swear it. Couples fight all the time. I do love Yang. But I don’t feel for her like I feel for you. She’s like my sister. Yes, at the time, I wanted her. Forever. But things just didn’t work out with her. I don’t want to lose her as a friend because she is one of a kind and it would’ve been my loss to let her go just because we didn’t work out. You’re the one I want. You’re definitely it for me.  ”

I look down, blinking, tears fall down and collides with the floor.

“Love is a huge risk. How do I know that won’t happen to us? How can I trust that we won’t - ,” I can’t finish my sentence.

“You’ll know when you do something.”

“What?”

Pause.

“Marry me.”

*

I'm so sorrry, my chapters are getting so short recently i dont even know. 

IM SO SORRY!!  :(