Think Again

"Don't talk about Death."

Chapter 22 : “I’d rather be burnt alive, ripped apart by hand than to be left in a world without your existence.”

‘Even when the sky falls, and I’ve lost it all, I know I will find you there. Even when the world stops, I keep looking cause I know I will find you there.’

2:00 am

Chris is asleep beside me, his legs tangled with mine, his breathing steady. A small smile playing at his lips, he’s relaxed, but I can’t sleep. I unwind myself from his hold and step out onto the balcony. I take a deep breath as soon as I catch my lips quivering.

It’s too soon. I’m only 18. It’s not that I don’t want to marry him. I do. But I can’t hold him  down, I can’t chain him to me. I feel like I love him more than he’ll ever love me, and I know that it’s so wrong for me to think like that.

You’re thinking too much.

I know. But I can’t help it. What if, he finds someone who can give him what he wants? Something that he wants that he never knew he wanted. What if, he finds someone who makes up for my inabilities and my bad traits? He can’t possibly want to be with me, forever.

I’m afraid. So afraid.

My leg give out and I crouch down, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Again.

“Ana? Where are you?”

In panic that I’ve been caught red handed, I stood up and run into his toilet, locking the door.

I know he’s on the other side of the door but he doesn’t knock.

“Did I hurt you, last night?” I hear him and I push myself further from the door, leaning on the bathtub.

“No.” I say loudly – well, supposedly – but it comes out hoarse.

“Let me in, Ana, please. What is it? I won’t ask you to stop crying because I want you to let it out. I want you to tell me what you feel. The last thing I want is for you to be keeping your feelings in your heart.” He twists the doorknob again and I think he’s got the keys to unlock it.

Hurriedly, I say,

“No, no, no! Wait! Please. Just give me a moment. Please.” I beg.

“Okay. Okay, anything you want.”

I try to calm down, and I try to make myself seem as if I wasn’t crying. I look in the mirror one last time, thinking,

Okay, just lie. You weren’t crying.

I open the door, cursing myself for deciding to cut my hair back then. I need my hair at these times. He steps back and makes way for me. I head straight towards the bed, and collapse on it, hiding my face in the pillow.

I feel the end of the bed sink.

He sighs,

“I know what this is about.” he says softly.

I don’t lift my head. I don’t make a sound.

“You don’t want to get married, do you?”

I sit up and slouched over as I stare at my ring, twisting it on my finger.

It’s beautiful.

“No, I do. I just – Chris – I – we’re so young, don’t you think? I’m not even in college yet. And I do, I swear I do. I want to be with you forever and ever but marriage… sounds funny don’t you think? Baby, I – I can’t – I don’t want to be in your way. We both know I’m in the way of how you live your life. You can’t possibly want me forever, can you? I just – I  can’t wrap my head around it. I - ,” he holds my cheek in his palm and stares into my eyes.

“I want you. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong? - ,”

I gasp, why does he think he’s doing something wrong?

“ – Why don’t you see how much you mean to me? Why can’t I want you forever? You think that I’d want other girls? You changed my life  and I’m eternally grateful for that.”

“It’s not you, it’ me. I just don’t think it’s possible for someone to want me so much like you do. I mean, I’m not enough. I’ll never be enough. There are going to be other girls out there, other girls that are better, beautiful, strong, confident. All those things I’m not and things that I will never be.”

These fears of mine, they don’t exist until someone comes along. Someone that cares enough to dig them out.

“But I do. So be it. I want you, forever and beyond. I fucking love you, period. I don’t want enough, I want you. You are all those things you say you are not and you can’t fight me on that because other people see you better than you see yourself. Think of it as a promise right okay? But you have to keep the promise. Promise me you’ll say yes.”

I laugh,

“You can ask me a hundred million times and I would say yes each and every time you ask. I don’t care if it’s the same question, yes. I don’t need to promise that because nothing is ever going to change my mind about you. Falling in love is one thing, being in love is another but staying in love is a whole different universe. I fell in love with you, I was in love with you, and I plan on staying in love with you, ‘till death do us part.”

He shakes his head.

“Don’t talk about death. Death won’t break us apart, nothing will. I’d rather be burnt alive, ripped apart by hand than to be left in a world without your existence.”

*