"What is my legacy? Am I the saint or sinner in your story? Thoughts like these accompany me wherever I go, like some abhorrent monster, gripping my hand and dragging me along. Influencing every decision I shall ever make. Because I have that human desire for love; needing someone to look you in the eyes and applaud you like a Queen. Every ephemeral being carries this longing, oftentime provoking a civil war of the mind. Shall I pursue my heart or trudge behind others?"
What she doesn't know, it that this beautiful paragraph influenced my dreams for two weeks. Including all my day dreams. She just has that power over me.
We laid there. About 5:32p.m. the setting sun gently casting a gorgeous golden light through the window and across the walls it touched. It honestly looked magical, the freshly painted walls, she had chosen an off white paint. I was painting all morning. So now our apartment smelt of paint fumes and her favorite vanilla candle, but mainly smelt like home. I was laying on my back, across the carpet on the floor staring out the window watching the sun go lower down through the window sill. She had gently laid her head on my stomach, and stared out the window too, well the best she could. She probably had a very nice view of my chin from the angle she was at. And so we laid there, my left hand already slightly tangled in her hair from me just playing with it. Our shallow breathing one of the only things heard, her French music playing from her phone on the kitchen table the second, and the little sounds coming from the city below, reminding us were still living on this planet the third and the final sound? Our heartbeats, perfectly in sync.
" but it feels like a civil war, inside my head". Its only a whisper when the words escape her mouth. But it felt so much louder, too loud. I know exactly what it meant too. Her mind is a beautiful vast land, but stuck being the land used for warfare. It's a tragedy really. But I think it's better because I can understand it. At least to an extent. We've both been through the similar type of shit, and I guess that let's us be connected in a way. It's all a beautiful metaphor.
"And I'll still applaud you like a queen". That sentence will fall out of my mouth only a minute later. My voice still a whisper, but I believe it held more hope, more certainty. Because it's true. I promised her and myself right then, that I'd hold her. Always. I'll help her keep herself alive, help her keep her head up through the low times. Help her understand the raging war inside her head that no one else can hear. Help her to keep walking towards the positives that lie before her through her life. And I'll hold her, always. Hold her when she's crying at midnight, hold her when she tries to leave this world again. Always holding her in my heart, because shes the only one I've ever loved. I'll keep my queen here, always. Chloe.
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Written for frog ♡
