Finding You.

CHAPTER 30

SOMILA

I spent the Sunday afternoon with Aya, then went back home in the evening, where I was badgered with questions about where we went on Friday night and what we did. They're surprised when I show them the painting Aya did for me - apart from Tlhogi who heard every detail the previous day.

I don't want them to see my charmed necklace because they wouldn't understand the private joke, so I tuck it under my sweatshirt to hide it from them. When I lie in bed I'm reminded that tomorrow is the therapy session with my mum, and my stomach churns. I don't know why I'm nervous because she basically knows everything I told Jenny... I wonder why Jenny wants my mum to be there. The questions eat at me until I give in to sleep.

                                  *****

It's Monday morning on the second day of spring. I'm seated at Doctor Brown's office across from her, my mum is seated in a chair on my right side. The air-conditioning hums silently in the corner, but it doesn't sooth my nerves this time. My hands shake and my palms sweat with every passing second on the clock.

"Mrs Klaas, I'm so glad that you could join us today." Dr.Brown finally speaks, a practiced professional smile crossing her face. "Anything to help my daughter get better." Mum replies. "And Somila, how have you been since we last spoke?" I was doing great in Aya's bed... I hate this!

"I've been well, thanks Jenny." What else can I say really? "And the dreams - did they happen again?"
       "On three occasions yes." My mum answers quickly. Jenny nods and writes something in her notepad.

Looking up at my mum she begins to speak again. "Mrs Klaas, last week Somila and I were discussing her relationships... and I concluded that there is a pattern there." She pauses, as if we need to process what she's saying. My mother stays silent, listening intently.

"She seems to fall for violent, temper-driven men, and doesn't trust those who are gentle and genuine... Her temper is also another factor, she's got so much rage that she keeps in and when it bursts out, it becomes very dark and dangerous." Oh? When did you learn all this Jenny? My mum nods in agreement.

"Could there be something that happened earlier in her life? Was she exposed to any violence growing up?" Dr.Brown asks my mum who suddenly seems frozen in her chair. She's sitting on the edge of the chair, her fingers fidgeting with her ring, she's looking directly at Dr.Brown, her eyes filled with tears.

"Her father." She says in a small voice. "My father?" I can't imagine my dad being violent to her... or me. "Go on please Mrs Klaas. This is a safe space." Dr.Brown prompts. "Before I got married to T-Tebogo, I was dating s-someone else - Peter." I couldn't have heard her right, but the words echo repeatedly in my head.

"WHAT? That can't be true!" I try to convince myself but I falter... It actually can be true. I've always wondered why my sisters are lighter than I am, taller and more hairy... Why I don't have a Tswana name when Tlhogi, Katli and Mihle (Bontle) do, why dad lives in a separate house... does he know?

EVERYTHING hits me all at once. Why didn't she tell me? "Why...?" I can't speak, my mouth is dry, my throat hurts, and my voice seems to have disappeared. Why didn't they tell me? Why keep such a big secret from me all these years, didn't I deserve to know who my real father is? Do I want to know who he is?

I do the only thing my body remembers to still do... I stand up and walk out, dialling Aya's number as I take the stairs to the ground floor. Jenny and my mum's voices echoing from behind me, calling my name.

He doesn't answer. Answer your phone Aya, I need you right now! I try him three more times before I decide to drive to his practice. I have no tears to cry but inside I'm screaming.