DAMAGED

KAT

I moved through the day slowly and not just because the heat rolled over me like a slow wave, flooding my lungs. Every part of me was sticky. I had lost Harper in the crowd when she heard the opening chords of her favorite band in the festival. I liked being a face among many, people stopping me occasionally to express condolences or ask me in shy hesitant tones if I was the singer of Glitter Punch. Other than that I just blended in to the festival sipping off the pina colada inside a giant pineapple that I had dumped four single serve bottles of rum into. I bought them from a lady with dreads older than I was. I was drinking too much these days. There was something to be said for admitting it. I was tired of the tour. After it wrapped up in California I would go home and sleep for a week, figure out what was next for the band.

I saw Court walking around with Everett, girls stopping in mid-step to watch them. He annoyed me on so many levels but none that were valid or made sense.

"Katastrophe Hale, get your adorable punk ass over here!" I had been caught staring. Everett was shouting me over; this was my own doing.

"Where's Maggie?" I was practically shouting. He squinted down at my face, as I got closer. He shrugged before responding, "She hung back with Joe. She didn't want to see the happy couple out and about today." I nodded at him with understanding. I wouldn't want to see the woman who broke my heart. I will be grateful when Tara leaves the tour in a few weeks. I cringed at what I had overheard on the bus, completely forgetting that Court's brother was the other guy. The sidepiece. I was guessing he didn't know Tara had been with Maggie for three years before getting bored. Poor Maggie. I guess out of fairness poor whatever his name was as well.

"I will be grateful to never have to hear another Ribbons and Razorblades album for the rest of my days. Tara is fucking gross, Maggie always deserved better..." I saw Everett stop in mid-sentence at the look on Court's face, a mixture of pissed and amused.

"Tara is Maggie's ex? My brother's pseudo girlfriend?" Now it was Everett's face that reciprocated the same context. They both laughed shaking their head over the coincidence and the disgust.

"I will let Casey know that his punk rock princess is giving it up all over the kingdom but I feel for Maggie, that sucks." He grimaced for Maggie's sake. That was it. I watched how uncomplicated everything seemed for him, the lack of drama put him in a new light. I was avoiding the punk stage and sticking to the vendor area. I didn't want to hear the tributes and all the different moments of silence some of the bands would request to honor my father. I always wanted to shout "how about a moment for my mother?" She was unrecognizable. What about a moment for the little girl who died a little that day too? The rum was making me emotional.

"You okay Kat?" His voice pricked at the sensitive places I covered in meanness. I glanced up at this stranger whose mouth just said my name like he tasted it while he said it. Everett was looking back and forth between us, waiting. How long had it been since he asked, I needed to quit drinking so much.

"I'm a mess, thanks for asking." I hadn't meant to say that. I had not meant to be honest. I turned and walked away. Leaving Everett and him frozen in place while I drank the rest of my silly pineapple of alcohol. The sun was bleaching my hair and melting my brain.

The heat decreased slowly with the falling of night and I found Harper, Jay, and Johnny to set up. I changed from the loose cut offs and the tank top with slowed pained movement. I pulled on the black skinny jeans and lifted the shirt out of my guitar case. My chest ached where my broken heart beat out of time. I pressed the Social Distortion shirt to my nose and imagined that if I inhaled I could smell him. I imagine he would have smelled awful. It wasn't the same shirt but it had been in his suitcase and it was his. I put it on; amused by the fact that it was only snug because I had breasts but that we were basically about the same size. The next part of my ritual was the hardest; I unzipped the small pocket in the lid of the case, taking out the long silver chain with the ring dangling off of it. I fastened it around my neck and flinched, the feel of it against my skin was a needle stabbing into me. It felt like I was bleeding out behind some crappy stage in Florida. How can two people who weren't around long enough to have caused a serious impact be the deepest impact I have ever experienced? I shut the case and closed my eyes. I wanted to count to ten and take deep breaths. I shut the case. It was time to sing.