DAMAGED

COURT

"Wake up! Casey!" The sound of my voice grated in my ears, I could hear the nasality in it.

"Wha... are you crying? What the hell happened?" He came fully awake faster than anyone I had ever known.

"I think I'm having a mental breakdown. Listen. I am crying and listen to why..." Rubbing a stray tear from under my ear I turned up the volume. It filled the car. The absolute most insane reason to cry at all ever was now turned up above the whisper it had been. One –fucking – Direction. Harry goddamn Styles was ripping me out of my numb state and into accepting that I couldn't control my emotions. Casey couldn't breath, he was laughing so hard he was on the verge of an asthma flare he hadn't had since high school.

"Screw you Case, your brother is losing his mind in the middle of whatever state this is and you are laughing your head off." I couldn't yell, the song was still ripping me apart. I was taken down and taken apart by "Story of My Life". I wasn't even embarrassed. Guys can and should cry. I just wasn't familiar with it and if it was to happen I didn't think it would be to a boy band. It was what it was. Every lyric had begun speaking to me.

"Court. Its cool man, you're just rusty at feeling anything that wasn't tied up in your formative years. You'll be fine. I mean, this means what I figured all along and that should worry you but the crying is whatever. God, I wish this had happened on the bus. There is literally not another soul around to see this. Can I 'gram this?" He flinched when I swung wildly in his direction.

"Jesus Christ. Don't crash. You know, I like this song. I think I Soundhounded it like twenty times because who knew? Am I right? Those boys got talent." He paused and stared at me, snatched the phone from my cup holder and started the song over. "Keep this on. It's making you seem human. Rinse and repeat brother. Rinse and repeat." He laughed, deep with a twinge of wheeze. So I did. I listened to it eight times. I only cried through three. I was making progress. This was the first time I had cried since the hospital bed where my wife asked for a divorce, no doubts to if she was making a reckless decision. Turns out she hadn't. This time I was crying over a woman with a fierce face, a heart far more reckless than my own. I was such a fucking idiot. Casey's phone shook the cup holder and I didn't have to look to know it was Kat. The universe couldn't have given me any more friggin' signs but I was scared, of her and what loving someone more complex than me would mean. Wren had broken that arrogance in me. I didn't know if I could even do it, be good for someone else. I wanted to be though. Fucking One Direction.

***

We were no longer driving. I rubbed mercilessly at my eyes and peered out the window. God, it was bright outside. I didn't have to look over to know that Casey was no longer in the car. I didn't feel ready, to immerse back into the tour or deal with decisions that had loomed bigger and bigger in my mind with each state line passed. I scrolled through social media. Facebook was a damn loss and it only took two minutes to grow tired of it. New rule going in to this whole transformative life change was to either stop accepting friend requests from obscure family members or just delete the whole app completely. We no longer even ran fifty percent of our band page. I switched to Instagram and saw my life staring back up at me.

Kat had gone to Cambria. She had fallen in love with my elephant seals and seen the man and his cat while driving out of town. She had shared photos of the beach I wandered and ordered coffee at the tucked in little shop I frequented. Her fans had lost their minds in the comments; they had never seen such raw captions. She had never posted so much. She had gone to what healed me without me and I couldn't believe there was any reason for it other than she had felt that need too, to find herself. A sharp ache and a slightly blurred photo of an outlined house behind a fence made up my mind for me. I wanted her, even the parts that made me nervous and crazy. I could do this. I could make her happy. I just didn't know if I should.

Stretching muscles I hadn't moved in hours was a delirious relief. Casey and I had cut it dangerously close to not being back in time. We had been such tourists on the drive, I was still sick from all the garbage crap I had put in my body. There was a little time until we went on. Where was my brother? How much longer had I slept in the car after he got out? I would leave her notes again, songs for her to follow through the rest of the tour and I needed Casey's help. My arm jerked back. Joe.

"Hey kid. Enjoy the time off?" He looked a little less exhausted than usual. He must have gone home.

"Umm, yeah. I did. Got some clarity, a little rain. It felt good to see my parents." Why was I telling him all this? I trusted him. He felt like good people and if I wanted Kat than I wanted anyone in her corner to like me.

"You kids and your search for clarity, Jesus, in my day we tried to explore alternate universes but you guys just want to get real intense about the one you're in. I'm giving you shit but if you took care of yourself, if you're ready...oh, you know what I mean. Give it a shot kid. It goes without saying that if you hurt that girl every show you play for the rest of your career will be plagued by amateur roadie mistakes because I know them all." I grinned, paused and pulled back. He laughed, his hand squeezing my shoulder and shouted past me to Harper.

So we were all just looking for clarity. I had to believe that Cambria had swayed her in my favor. I had to believe she wasn't pining for that charming bastard who was even right now hoping to hear from her in New York. I didn't want to be someone's second choice again. Doubt was spreading so I looked for Casey, trying to anchor and plan. He was nowhere...or he was with Kat. Whatever happened on that tour bus had bonded them together like they had always known the other.

"Court, man. You look lost, my guy." Everett. Maggie was off to the side of him. She smiled serenely. I had never met two people who were so authentically the music they made than them.

"Have you seen my brother?" Maggie turned but Everett gestured behind him.

"He saw Kat and they both shrieked, laughed, and knocked each other over into the dirt. He's in her hotel room. You want to walk around with us. There's some new bands joining up for this second leg and we were all talking about going to Meow Wolf, this art collective thing in Santa Fe. You down? We all play the same day so you should come. You know, Kat's in so..." So everyone was following this dysfunctional courtship.

"Of course I'm in. I read an article about it a while ago so maybe you should ask Joe too. He's into the whole alternate universe vibe." You gotta love Everett. He had no idea what I was talking about but he just went with it.

"Oh for sure. I'll ask him. A band of merry misfits I suppose." He laughed as he pulled an either super sleepy or super stoned Maggie along behind him. I wonder if he knew she was walking with her eyes closed now?

So Kat and Casey were holed up and I didn't want to interfere with that. I liked that they had each other. Casey hadn't made a ton of friends over the years, always picking up after me or working on songs until his face melted. There were so many things I was feeling but exhaustion crowded most of them out. I went to check in, grabbed a key card and some dry ass granola bar. The bed was heaven. I wanted to sleep for hours but I wouldn't. I would write instead, the feeling of newness flooding through me in a wash heavier than the grief had been. There is nothing quite like unrequited to drag the poetry out of you. There was madness in the urgency, to put down words, to pick up my guitar. I didn't have enough hands or time but none of this was going anywhere, I could feel the need knitting into my bones. If Kat did nothing else she had unknowingly given me back to myself. That alone was worth chasing her for. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me that I still had a job, and a call time.