DAMAGED

COURT

A decent fuck. No heart. A decent fuck. No heart. No matter how many times the words played on repeat in my head it didn't change them. I couldn't take them back and I wasn't sure that I meant them but they were out there now, heavy and unavoidable.

"You know I say this often but I want you to really hear me. You are going to regret that. You want her even if you are not ready for her. When you finally come around it's going to be you and what you said to her. That was brutal. You have no stake on her. She isn't land you know. Goddamn. She kissed another guy, so what. You sing sad songs to a memory. You go to bed every night with a memory. You can't walk away or run fast enough to free yourself from a memory. Let Kat be happy because it sure as hell doesn't seem like you can make anyone happy anymore." Shame filled me, between my ribs and into my bones. It was hard to not lash out. I want to sink my fist into Casey's mouth but he isn't wrong. I knew it and he knew it, that's why he was standing his ground. Some how that girl had crawled into the place he kept the people he cared about.

"I said it. There is nothing to be done about it now. I can't do any more damage than I already have. She doesn't trust people and she won't trust an apology from me now. Can we just get through this tour man, can we just play music and move on?" Pleading, that's what I was doing. I was pleading to be given a pass, a pass on him judging me for one damn day, even if he had never been more right.

"I guess. I'm going to go find Maggie or just about anyone else will do. We're going home soon and maybe being around the house again, facing what you're running from will help shake this fucking person you have become out of the brother I know is still in there. This guy is killing me." He didn't wait for a response. He just left me standing there.

"That shit was crazy. I was like oh no, she just cheated on her guy. You okay? I would have hit that fucker, kissing your girl...just not cool." I could hear this stranger just to the side of me, talking to me like we knew each other. His grin was sloppy but then again his everything was sloppy. Don't hit kids. Don't hit kids. I walked and repeated. Walked and repeated until my body loosened, tension being replaced by plans. I would go home, I would get everything right in my head for the first time in years. I would be better. I could be better. Then I could see what I wanted and what I needed and decide what to do about it.

"Oh hey Court." I turned just in time to see Maggie slip past. Her loose curls swaying as she tried to keep time with my brother and Everett. A flash of jealousy swept through me. Had I done this tour the way Casey wanted in the first place than I wouldn't be where I was. There would be no conflict. It would all be just an easy time with people that vibe the same as us. My feet kept dragging my body along until familiar faces disappeared into the anonymity of the crowds. My shoulders brushing strangers, music filling me, pushing me forward until some of the tightness in my chest eased. How had I got this caught up?

I caught the eyes of a girl, wild blonde hair and half her face hidden behind one of those ridiculous pineapple drinks. It did my head in, like getting smacked in the face with reality. I was four thousand times more pissed than I had a right to be with Kat and still the smallest reminders of her had me aching to forgive. I didn't need to be with her so much as just seeing her and being able to know that what I had said was nothing to her. She had worse said about her or so I was told. There was always that smear piece blog writer. I couldn't have been more horrible than him.

I stopped when I hit the tents. I wanted to take back what I said, the regret was ballooning up inside me but apologizing to her this soon seemed pointless. What I had said to Casey was true. There was very little chance it would matter. I took a photo of the crowded field framed by the loose white fabric curling out in a barely noticeable breeze. In black and white this Instagram post would make me look a hell of a lot more talented than I was. Why was social media so all consuming? It was the job. I wasn't really surprised I fucked things up but I was surprised at how fast I had done it. At least this time I didn't marry the girl who was interested in another guy. That wasn't fair. Casey was right about that as well, I had never made anything official. This was fun until it wasn't. Kat kissing Will isn't the moment it stopped being fun, it was the moment I realized I had wanted it to be more than fun. That was on me not her.

"Ooooh. I heard what you did!"I closed my eyes. For the rest of my life I would know that voice in a crowd. Harper.

"Go away Harper. I know what I did too." My tone held more of the grimace than my mouth but she could probably see it anyways.

"But did you know it hurt her, that you hurt her? What's that about? I can't remember the last time anything hurt my girl but now there's you." The sound in Harper's voice, the protection in it is the kind of protection you crave finding, a blanket of a voice. It wasn't protecting me from her wrath.

"Yeah. I know." No need for excuses, I wasn't hiding from what I had done. It was done. "If you want to know the last time something really got to Kat, before me that is, it was you. When you lied for so long about you and Johnny. It hurt her. It doesn't take away from what I did but maybe it would be better for all of us including Kat if we just quit pretending she was invincible, huh?" Silence. I knew she was still behind me because I could hear her breathing.

"Yeah, what was that about? I don't know why I did that. I knew she wasn't going to care, she isn't an evil overlord but I just wanted to not be another person disappointing her. Fucked that one up. Damn. Move over." She went from feisty to being overwhelmed. I shifted over and she leaned back into my shoulder. Harper, woman without boundary awareness, still, it was oddly comforting.

"Assholes. We're just a couple of assholes." I was smiling despite the weight that had slid from my chest into my stomach. Good ol' blunt Harper.

"So Will? How long has that been a thing?" I didn't want the answer while simultaneously needing the answer.

"I mean they are basically day ones. You know, she met him early going to shows and they have flirted for as long as I can remember but I think this was a first for like full on making out." She pushed me further over.

"What the hell are day ones?"

"You know...the personthat has been there since day one. Shit. I gotta go. We're all crashing TrampCode's set tonight. A little punk rock bon voyage. That's probably not what youwant to hear but..." She shrugged instead of finishing her sentence. She was right;I absolutely did not want to hear that. The weight in my stomach burned, angerreplacing the five minutes I had pitied myself. This whole damn day wasridiculous. The busses were waiting not far form the tent but that wasn't whereI was walking. I wanted to hang back on the edges and let Kat finish shoving meout of the picture. She would if I let it happen.