DAMAGED

KAT

The record label, the clothing label, any and all people in a position of authority even Joe began to run together in my head. The meetings stretched longer than anticipated. The record label was more on board with us diversifying our sound than I had thought they would be. We had never been the most marketable band in the first place. I didn't even see San Francisco. There was no time for dim sum or to go out for drinks. An impulse had been building and for once it wasn't for alcohol or chaos. I wanted to be where it was calm, where it was green. Instead of drowning out the sound of Court's voice in my head I was following it. I was following him. I knew he wouldn't be there. Casey had texted me that they were staying in Washington for the extra time. He needed it.

"Kitten...Kitten" Joe's voice sounded like it was echoing from further away than he was. The tour and life were catching up to me.

"What were you saying? I spaced out Joe. I'm sorry."

"Here are the keys to the rental car, the reservation in Cambria, and I talked to a man about a tour of that oddball place you feel like you will die if you don't get to see." He stacked the papers and keys into my palm. He was now and always had been too good to me after all the hell I caused.

"Hey, look at me." His voice was deeper. I did. I looked up at his face going the way of middle age and his graying hair but he was smiling in a way that never really felt reserved for me. This was the smile he gave his girls, all of them. "I am proud of you. The maturity you showed in those meetings was impressive, I barely recognized the little hellcat bent on self-destruction that you usually are. I'm happy you are finally figuring out that you need a break and you need some sort of self-care. I won't pretend not to be confused with your choices but I have an idea that it has something to do with that boy and you know what, that's okay too. Drive safe." He pulled me to his chest, a sigh so deep I was wondering how long he had been holding it in pushed between us. This was the closest I would ever get to a dad and it wasn't half bad after all.

"Thanks Joe. I mean it. I'm going to do better. I am." I grinned up at him and wriggled out of the hug. Baby steps after all.

***

The drive felt long and ridiculous. It wasn't that bad, I was just impatient to be somewhere instead of always looking for a place I wanted to be. From the first length of trees, Spanish moss clinging I could feel it, the calm that Court had found here. It was a seaside town cradled in forest. It had these odd quirks that I drove past, the lens of a lighthouse and some kind of grass bowling thing I had never seen before. I wanted to absorb it all. I was too early, the check-in still hours away. I pulled into a random parking lot, the beach ahead not smooth and flawless like in LA but rocky and moody. I could see Court in this beach; he was a mirror of it. I wanted to find him here but I had not expected to feel him everywhere. It was all his "boring" stories that brought me here.

There was a quietness that I wasn't ready for, my life was loud all the time and in every way. This was different, there were people wandering around but their voices didn't break through my own thoughts for once. It was unlike any beach I had been to. I had so much to figure out in just two days, I didn't want to go back to the tour in the same headspace I had left it. I wanted a clarity I had found myself and not been given, even if I had needed to be given it. I had to find myself. I could hear my phone vibrating in the backseat. I didn't want to answer it but I had promised Joe and Casey that I would let them know when I got here.

J: Here. Love it. I'm gonna come back better.

I paused after I texted Joe. I wanted to say something more to Casey but I couldn't figure out what. I texted Harper instead because what I needed to say to Casey more than anything had to be said in person.