DAMAGED

KAT

I was the moth. I was the flame. I didn't stop him because I didn't see it coming. I repeated the lie although like most lies it was shaped around truth. His mouth had been so tart that my jaw had clenched, once the sensation passed I kissed him back. I wouldn't deny what I did just how it started. My lips felt the same but I didn't. I walked from bus to the diner with the rust and neon sign. I couldn't think large thoughts. I was scattered and disoriented. I just wanted strong coffee in a booth by a window.

"Welcome to Jonnie's Roadside Restaurant, the specials are marked on the white boards and any table you want is yours." I smiled tightly in response and headed to the booth by the kitchen next to the wall covered in road signs and a lack of originality. What I was doing was hiding, not from him but myself. I traced the wrinkled edge of the paper placemat decorated in fun facts about science. The bell jingled every three seconds to let me know without raising my head that lots of them were coming in. I tugged self-consciously on my denim cut offs aware of how short they felt despite having the Formica tabletop blocking my legs from view. This didn't seem like a place where the women appreciated as much thigh as I was showing.

"Have you decided honey?" The twang was grating and felt at least one to two states too soon but there it was parading around in questions and endearments.

"I will just have coffee and water." I kept my eyes down; whatever meanness was creeping up inside of me I didn't feel like sharing.

"You need to eat honey, you're skin and bones. Come on; tell me what you want to eat. Everything here is great but I always and I mean always recommend the chicken fried steak." She stopped speaking. I looked up to see jeans. I followed the legs up to his head that was gently shaking no to the woman who was older than I had realized, all her good intentions blending into the small wrinkles on her face.

"Well alright, coffee for the both of you?" She was addressing him only now so I went back to reading the steps of mitosis. I could try and push down my agitation at his clear lack of intuition and concepts of space as well as hers but it was better if I studied the placemat than watching their interaction. There was nowhere to hide after all.

"Sorry." He sat without so much as an invitation. He scooted awkwardly down the booth seat until I was at the edge and he was opposite me against the wall. I felt the weight of his feet on the bench beside me at the same time I decided to bite back the hostility that filled my body, equal parts blood and anger, always.

"Are you not speaking to me now?" His voice was persistent, when he spoke to me his voice was a shallow metal spoon, shiny, cracking my shell like crème brulee. I didn't want cracks; I didn't want to be exposed any more than I already was. I shook my head and stared at the window behind him, the sun was making its slow descent to the dirt.

"Fine. Let me do the talking than. I know how this goes; does it worry you that I know how this goes already? No? Okay, well it bothers me. I suggest you pretend that nothing on the bus was out of the ordinary, I was a little sick and you were kind enough to help me out. You gave me a chance to catch my breath." He stopped talking when the waitress walked up setting down two white and pink mugs of black coffee, she shuffled off to bring the ice water. I didn't move or speak.

"Thank you. I feel like I haven't had a chance to breath since jumping on this tour and I'm guessing I won't have another chance again." His last word faded with the remnants of the sun. I sipped the coffee that was hot enough for my hands to sweat just holding the cup and my tongue to lose feeling after the burn. I wanted him to go sit with his brother, leave me here in the corner with my book. He just drank his coffee, unmoving. I could feel him winning.

"What will it take?" I ask, a small crack spreading out slowly.

"For what?" There was no coyness in his face. He didn't follow my thoughts.