the ones society stole

14. deflecting

"& I want to tell you so much, I love you." - Lionel Richie 

No matter how many times Jacian pushed the thought aside, all he could really think about was that kiss. His lips desired the taste of hers, and his arms had a yearning to feel the curves of her body once again. He just could not help but remember the warmth of her breathe on his face, and the feeling of his hand tangled in her hair. 

she was art. 

Everything about her had him doing a double take, and he honestly wondered if he was going to make it out of this alive. In all reality, he couldn't decide if she was just one big contradiction or if she was just a girl with many secrets. From the way she dressed, to the way she acted, there was no way that he could get bored of her. She was full of surprises. He was suddenly struck with the realization of something he was known for a while now. It was a feeling that has been constantly lurking in the chambers of his heart, sending little lovesick messages to his brain with every beat. It was time for his mind to grasp what his heart already knew. 

he was at risk of falling for this girl. 

This redundant thought, explained his clammy hands and the increase in his heart palpitations as he walked the corridor that led to english. He couldn't help but speculate if she was there today, considering her constant desire for a whimsical adventure. Though she has been showing up lately, he has already found it best to not expect things when it came to her. 

That fact was cemented into his brain when he saw her empty desk. His heart deflated like a impaled balloon as he realized her would have to get through this class without the pleasure of her company. The logical side of him decided that he can, because he was fine before he met her. But was he?

 When he was with her, it was like being in the eye of the storm. The world around them was as chaotic as can be, but she somehow managed to silence it all. She made him feel important, bigger than his problems. 

what was he going to do without her?

Turns out, Arabella was actually in school that day, just not in class. In dire need of someone to talk to, she turned to the only person she knew would be able to give good advice. Isobel Maddox. 

"Okay, so let me get this straight." Isobel uncrossed her legs and leaned forward in her chair, "You and him kissed and now you're just over thinking everything so you come to me in my free period to discuss something of absolutely zero depth?"

"You said to turn to you if I needed anything," Arabella smirked, "And that's just some of it. I, well I have decided I want to be clean."

"Oh?" This caught Isobel's attention, glad that her quest for fixing the school's basket case was already in motion and she didn't even have to do anything.

"And there is also the fact that I am too scared to see him, so that is kinda why I am skipping english."

"So you're that person." Isobel leaned back in her chair and raised a challenging brow.

"What person?"

"The one who likes to avoid her problems, instead of facing them head on." 

"Like you are?" Arabella countered back, "You throw yourself into everyone else's problems. It probably gives you a sick sense that you aren't a waste of space in society and is probably the only reason you're talking to me right now. You see the thing is, you just can't accept that you can fix everyone else's mess except your own. 

"And what makes you think that I have a mess to fix?" Isobel asked, trying to ignore the unsettling feeling of finding an equal that sat in her stomach. No one has ever challenged her like Arabella has. She called her out on her shit, pretty fast too. Impressed would be an understatement. 

"Everyone is a mess. Some are just better at hiding it then others." 

"You're deflecting again." 

"What ever do you mean?" 

"You're talking about my problems instead of your own."

"But aren't you deflecting by telling me to talk about my problems instead of your own?"

"Shut up. You came to me didn't you?" 

"Ugh, fine."

"So what's wrong?" Isobel's mood did a 180 and her wit transfixed into genuine concern. 

"Well you see, long story short, I found out that my abusive boyfriend was cheating on me. He was the one who introduced me to this, and I figure that the only way to move on. The only way to actually be a functional human being again, is to get clean. To like, leave his world behind and burn whatever bridges tie me to him." Arabella tied up the story pretty impassively, not even a stutter or tear in sight. Maybe moving on would be easier than she thought. 

"I think I know what your problem is." Isobel said as she saw her in a newer sense, as if she could finally make sense of her. 

"I have a shit load of problems."

"I stand by what I said before," Isobel leaned forward and rested her elbows on the desk, "I think that you are emotionally aware of your current predicaments, but you have no desire to fix them. Its like you are comfortable in your sadness and you are scared to jump into the unknown journey of finding happiness. What you aren't aware of, is how your nonchalant attitude affects the people around you. How your actions impact your love ones. So, I think you made a good first step with the decision to be clean."

"Yeah but I literally have no idea where to start." 

"Easy. Wait no that's a lie. This road is not an easy one."

"Okay, but like what do you mean by me not being aware of how I impact people?"

"I am talking about Jacian," As soon as the name left Isobel's lips, there was a sudden pickup in speed in Arabella's heartbeat, "You need to figure out if you kissed him because you liked him, or if he is what you needed in that moment."

"But what if it is both?"

"Maybe it is, but look. You have literally just come out of a toxic relationship that also happened to be infused with drugs. I'm sorry, but that could have been a factor in why you stayed so long. If you were high with him most of the time, you probably mistaken that for happiness. Anyways, what I am trying to say, is that you should probably take a step back, to you know work on yourself first. I am not saying push him away. But look, when you're going through it, you turn to drugs. Without it, you turn to him because he gives you the same feeling. You just need to stand up on your own two feet again okay?"

"Okay. Thanks so much for the pep talk you're great," Arabella said as she got up, "Thanks for calling me out on my shit."

"Tough love is the best love." Isobel winked. 

"Alright well I am going to go take care of things okay?"

"You do you hun," Catching her right before she left, Isobel shouted, "And don't think I forgot about your prom queen campaign!"

With a slight laugh and the roll of hey eyes, Arabella left the guidance hall and made her way out the school doors. 

She was going to get better, she had to.