the ones society stole

21. the absence

"i run away when things are good, & never really understood the way you lay your eyes on me, in ways that no one ever could." - Halsey 

In the moment, Arabella really did not think much about ending things with Jacian. It seemed like the best possible solution. They both weren't in the right mental state, they both had a lot going on. 

so why did it feel like the wrong choice?

She felt as if she let a good thing go, because in all reality, Jacian was good for her. Ever since the beginning, he has been a shoulder to lean on. He was her support system really, and she noticed that she began using him as a crush. What Isobel said was really engraved into her brain, but it did not sway her in any which direction. If anything, Arabella knew her decision way before she made it. 

She does not remember the last time she was actually alone. It was a colossal contradiction, but she lived a life of irony. It was her problem. She loved being alone, but hated the loneliness. All her life she distracted herself. Over time, those habits evolved into toxic ones. Ones that debilitated her soul and chipped away at her heart. Ones that damaged her lungs and her brain. 

She was just so.. empty. 

The worst part was, she didn't know why. 

When Jacian entered her life, it was like there was suddenly something to live for. That was the problem. She shouldn't have to rely on someone else to feel okay. She should be able to feel okay on her own. Depending on an exterior source for happiness is what got her into this mess in the first place. 

Arabella had a lot to learn. She had to explore the deepest depths of herself, doing what she could to fill that void that Malik left in her. His spoke in twisted little tales, claiming to love her, when in all reality it was just a ploy. She wasn't even a person in his eyes. Just something to be used. 

Maybe, destiny wasn't done with them yet. Maybe, there was still another chance for them. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Oh, how much she wanted to believe that. Yet, she was stuck between sitting back and letting fate do the work, or going after what she wants. And she wanted him. Even if it was wrong, she wanted him. 

another choice that feels impossible. 

"Hey," She greeted Isobel as she sat down across from her in the library's lounge, "I have so much to tell you."

"Wow, no "Isobel, how are you," Her teasing, blue irises caught Arabella's brown ones, "Ouch."

"Shit, you're right," Once again, Arabella was using someone else in order to be okay. She was being selfish, "I never even asked how you were. If we're going to try this 'friendship' thing out, I need to be more considerate." 

"I was kidding at first, but yeah, that doesn't sound like too bad of an idea." 

"The first thing I am going to do to establish this friendship is removing that stick that is shoved so far up your ass," Arabella pulled out her phone and began looking for something in particular, and when she did, she smirked, "Clear your schedule nerd, we're going to a party."

"What? Why?" It wasn't that Isobel hasn't been to a party before, it just wasn't her scene, "Can't we like, stay in? Girls nights are fun."

"Okay slumber parties are cool and all, but so are parties." 

"But-" 

"No buts. You want me to be a part of your world right? Well in order for that to work, I need to introduce you to mine."

"Your logic is so messed up but somehow makes sense." 

"I know."

"So are we getting ready at yours or mine?" 

The question stopped her for a second. It was kind of obvious that they will go to Isobel's. Her house was probably as picture perfect as she was. 

"Yours." Arabella answered. 

"Okay. This could be fun I guess," The unsettling feeling was pushed aside and replaced with the thought that she would actually be doing something rebellious for once, "So what did you want to tell me?"

"I ended things with Jacian. I don't even know what I ended, but it was over before I ever gave it a chance to start." 

"Why the fuck would you do that?" Isobel scolded as Arabella's eyes widened, it was the first time she heard a cuss word leave her mouth. 

"Well, you didn't exactly advise against it."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean end it. I told you to take a step back in order to realize what you're really feeling."

"I took like 10 steps back and I know exactly how I feel. I want him. More than anything in the world," Arabella felt the tears prick her eyes and she mentally slapped herself for being so weak, "I just, I can't shake the feeling that I don't deserve him."

"You are so stupid." Isobel rolled her eyes, "You're thinking about this all wrong. Arabella, love isn't about deserving someone, if you think about it that way, you're objectifying something so beautiful. Love is a connection you share with someone, it runs deeper than who deserves who."

"Yeah, but I can't suck him into my life. He has a lot going on, and I am a mess."

"Yeah, I heard about the incident." Isobel cast her eyes down in genuine sorrow, "I would have visited, but it felt wrong of me because I never payed him any attention before."

"It's fine, don't beat yourself up about it." 

"But, back to topic," Isobel straightened out the nonexistent wrinkles in her skirt, "You're just scared. Face it, Arabella. You're coming up with all of these excuses of why you can't have him, when you should be thinking about why you should have him. Stop being so damn pessimistic and go get your man."

"You're right, I should. Just not yet." 

"Why not?"

"I need to learn how to feel okay on my own. So that being with him is a choice of mine and not a necessity," Arabella looked at the clock, "And besides, we have a party to go to." 

maybe having a friend wasn't so bad.