Whatever You Want To Be

Winston's POV

I was honestly just looking for a hookup. That's what I thought Monty would be. He ended up being so much more. More than I would've ever expected.

"You can be whatever you want to be." Thats what I told him. Monty was a human being. He was a human being and he didn't deserve to die like that. I remember crying tears full of anger. I questioned why he had to die when he was so close. I was furious that they closed the murder case with Monty as the culprit. They convicted a person who wasn't even alive to defend themselves, and that messed with me for more than a while.

I will never know if Monty really was going to come clean. I will never get to see him finally accept himself. All I know is that I was able to help him. Even if it wasn't substantial, I made a difference in his world and I pray that he felt that. Monty lived with the constant shadow of fear, and I refuse to let that happen to me. I will speak out. I will give Monty the voice he never got the chance to have. Montgomery De La Cruz has forever left a mark on me for the better.

Monty's POV
A/N: spoken by Monty's ghost/spirit/ conscience? ig y'all can decide that for yourselves lol

I never once thought seriously about my sexuality until the summer going into high-school. In elementary and middle school, all the other guys talked about how much they liked girls, so naturally, I assumed that I was attracted to them too.

I played so many sports when I was younger. In my head, I thought it was a way to make my dad proud. Basketball, baseball, football; you name it, I did it. Because I was so good at them, baseball especially, my dad never thought of gay slurs as an insult to me. Of course he would use other methods of degrading though, mainly targeting my lack of knowledge.

It wasn't until eighth grade when my dad started calling me fag, because everyone else had girlfriends except for me. I had been around the word enough to know what it meant. Of course I wasn't one though, because obviously, I liked girls. I tried to get a girlfriend, but I didn't know how to tell him that no girl liked me. It was always, "Monty, the stupid one" or "Monty, the scary one."

One night, when my dad was especially mad, he started to repeatedly yell at me, saying I was a faggot. That was when I started to actually think about it. I usually never take the time to seriously think about anything really, but that night I must've laid in bed for hours. When was the last time I had a crush on a girl? The problem was that I didn't even remember having a crush. Ever.

That night was the night I started to hate myself. Why couldn't I be normal? Why was my dad right about me? Why have I never liked a girl? Why? The answer was a simple one in my mind. I just hadn't found a girl hot enough, and all the hot ones were already taken. From then, I was determined to lose my virginity. I had to prove it to my dad, but more so to myself, that I was perfectly normal.

I succeeded in doing so when I was 15, which is earlier than a lot of guys. Her name was Maya, and the only reason she let me fuck her was because all her 'friends' were pressuring her to. They wanted her to "go first" to tell them what it was like. Apparently they couldn't look it up on Pornhub like every other normal human being.

She texted me asking if I would do it with her. I gladly took the opportunity and was really excited to brag about it once it was over. A few days later, I went to her house with a single condom in my jean pocket. I felt nervous and mistook the feeling of nervousness as attraction. It was a last ditch effort of tricking myself into believing I was straight.

I couldn't even get it up when the time came, and both of us had no idea what we were doing. I'm pretty sure it didn't even count as sex. I hated it. I didn't like her. I never did.

She just wasn't the right girl. I still wasn't gay.

The question still stood though: Why had I never liked any girl? I built up the courage to look it up one day, and the internet gave me three answers. Asexual, Demisexual, or Gay. I wanted so badly to not be the third option, that I somehow managed to suppress it to the point I still didn't believe I was, even after four years. I'd already accepted the fact that I would probably end up alone. After all, I would be that person who'd live through the rest of their life, denying who they are. I felt it would just be easier to pretend, die, and have it all be over.

Then I met Winston.

Winston made me feel so good in so many ways. He was the sun that shined through my rain. Whenever I kissed him, I felt my entire world imploding. He was only my fourth kiss, but the best one by far. At school, girls were almost always the topic of conversation. I was good at acting immature, but I started to hate pretending I actually found girls attractive, especially after meeting Winston.

Nothing mattered after Winston. With him, I got to see the world unfold right in front of my eyes. So many people had broken me down, but Winston took the time to fix me. He made me feel safe when no one else could. He gave me the space to let me be what I wanted to be. I am so thankful that I got the chance to have someone. I never once thought I would have a person, but Winston was my person.

Loving Winston felt like hurt. Loving Winston felt like flying. But mostly, loving Winston felt like living. I will never forget the person I met at that party. I'll never forget how they made me feel free. I'll always remember the way they laughed, and how they blushed at every little thing.

I will never forget his smile, or the way he treated me like a person. I will never forget how he showed me what love was. I'll forever cherish the moments we had, and remember how he was always there. Winston was mine.
Winston helped me to become someone I was proud of. Winston was my one good thing.

~End~