The Dance

In The Back Of Your Mind

Stevie watched and worried hesitantly as she made idle conversation with Christine as they sat in the cab, the drive seemed to be longer than just ten minutes give or take, it had barely been a few minutes probably and felt like hours, mainly because Stevie was worried, worried for her best friend, the woman who had been her support, her best friend and of course clearly her secret lovers over the span of twenty plus years and all she felt was guilt and concern as she looked the once vibrant blonde now seeming to be a shell of her former self, like a bright rose that was wilting and fading away and that made Stevie seem like her own heart was breaking, more than she recalled every feeling before. 

The golden haired singer was still very shocked, probably because she was sober, she seemed to notice more, she also was trying not to overthink too much yet, Christine needed help and she was mainly trying to keep her sat upright in the seat and conscious as she seemed to slip in and out of euphoria which Stevie knew too well seemed to be signs of cocaine usage or a very, very large and dangerous amount of alcohol presumably whiskey or vodka, knowing Christine who had always opted for wine or one of the heavier and more risky types of drink, Stevie guessed it was her way of dealing with things, Christine had told her once how she started drinking as a young teenager and then how she had become reliant and felt she had to do so in order to play good, be creative, sleep right. Stevie now knew better that was signs of addiction and Stevie also knew more obviously now after battling all her own demons that her suspicions had been right and Christine always seemed to be on the verge of being an alcoholic for as long as she known her.

 Stevie just wanted more than anything for Christine to confide in her because she could tell the older woman was hiding all her own issues and drowning them with alcohol and drugs which worried Stevie immensely, she had never really seen Christine in that state before or at least she hadn't noticed because she had probably been in a worst state herself but at this age in time it seemed odd, everyone had seemed to mellow even Lindsey but Christine was acting or seeming to act more reckless than she did in the seventies and Stevie blamed herself, maybe she just hadn't been there enough, was she selfish?     

Christine was having a very hard time even focusing or thinking, overwhelming tiredness seemed to hit at her in strong waves and she felt the cocaine was the only thing keeping her awake by this point, everything was blurry and spinning and she felt nauseous, dazed and a mix of drunk, high and hazy also a headache seeming to start to build which made her feel worse, she knew she would probably have to throw up in order to feel better and she just wished she could do anything to ease the feeling, even the thought of throwing herself out of the cab. 

The only thing calming her was the gentle touch of Stevie's thumb rubbing soft circles over the top of her hand.   She instantly started clutching her hand more and she didn't realise how tightly she was gripping her hand in response to try and find some feeling of stability as well as some reason to try and want to fight through the awful way she was feeling.

She also was trying to act as normal as she could but she could even hear her how slurred her own words were coming out and she wanted to slap herself, she also was tyring to keep a handle on her swirling emotions, the smell of Stevie's shampoo or perfume was intoxicating, like a mix of floral scents, lavender, rose and some other fragrances Christine couldn't note, but the slight waft seemed to calm her somewhat, it reminded her of the stronger perfume Stevie had worn when they were younger or she figured she couldn't smell as well now, especially after all the cocaine she had been doing recently, but it still reminded her of their drunken nights when her and Stevie had stumbled back, ending up on a bed and she would lay kisses all over her neck while she giggled, that gorgeous laugh, that beaming smile and those eyes that sparkled with the glimmer of youth, but she stopped herself, it hurt too much, was too addictive but the addiction of the past always came with a cost and it came with bundles of guilt wrapped in self hate and regrets.

"Are we there yet?" Christine said slowly, forcing the words out, wondering if when things really did finish if there was some Alternate Universe, some other chance to do things over again, she felt too muddled though to keep thinking so deeply and began glancing about and then feeling even more dizzy as looking out the window made her feel like she was on a carousel and she closed her eyes, then feeling even more dizzy.

"Nearly!" Cooed Stevie gently, noticing Christine was seriously tripping out and she felt her concern rise even more for her, she was worried sick to be exact, her own stomach felt knotted and made her nauseous with worry "We will be at the hotel soon, I promise!" She soothed and Christine giggled, seeming like she had changed her mood again which made Stevie worry more, she had looked about to cry before and now was giggling. 

"World turning!" the older blonde joked in response, trying to lighten the mood even though the world sure did seem to be turning in her drunken and drug induced haze "That song was really about tripping out, you know?" Christine giggled, glancing at Stevie and seeing her face seeming to wobble which made her laugh more "Get my feet back on the ground!" She sang giggling "It means, get down from being as high in the sky!" She mumbled, laughing and looking at Stevie intently before suddenly looking away as if she was scared, seeing those brown eyes that hadn't changed was hard, being that close to Stevie and seeing those beautiful pouty lips, was too much for her, Stevie seemed ageless "But who wants their feet on the ground, the downer, the reality, of what you had and what you lost!" Christine then laughed softly, the sorrow still showing even in her heavy slurs as she mumbled lyrics of the songs that found them all fame and fortune and had cost them all their own heartbreak and turmoil. 

Stevie gulped at her words, wondering if Christine was hinting at their own chequered past and she felt guilty, wondering if she was the reason Christine was acting this way, she instantly regretted all her own choices  "I'm sorry Chris!" Stevie softly said, her voice sounding more of a squeak and she gave her hand a squeeze in an attempt to give her some form of comfort even though she wondered if she was the one causing her pain, that hurt her more to think she was causing Christine pain, Christine deserved better in her eyes and what hurt the most was after the amount of years she had seen the older woman suffer, the thought that she still seemed miserable and lost to her vices, well that crushed Stevie.

Christine shook her head and felt nothing but absolute emptiness, so much hurt and longing in that moment as all the drugs and alcohol seemed to make her problems and sadness seem a million times heavier like they were crushing and trapping her in that pit of doom she felt she already always struggling to stay out of "I'm the one who is sorry, I'm a fucking asshole!" She sighed, shaking her head and holding back tears as she began to hate herself even more, every doubt creeping into her vulnerabilities like cracks in the walls, that only showed when the alcohol and drugs seemed to weaken her armour, letting all the pain and sorrow stab at her tender self that was hidden underneath.

If only she could confide in someone more openly about her struggles, she had tried to tell Stevie, for all she knew, she probably had told her a great deal, but neither of their memories were great thanks to drugs and alcohol and Christine knew hers was in worse shape than Stevie's.

"Chris, you aren't, I promise, if anyone is, it was me!" Stevie stated, even more concerned for Christine and she also felt even more guilty, wondering if her re-joining Fleetwood Mac was bad and causing Christine emotional pain.

"Stevie, darling.." Christine said and Stevie felt her heart seem to skip a beat when Christine called referred to her as 'darling' again, even in her drunken slurring, Stevie thought it was the most beautiful thing to hear and the way Christine's accent rolled over the word. She had missed hearing that for so long and hearing it again bought back a landslide of memories, good and bad, happy and sad.

"Chris..." Stevie then paused, looking at her softly, she was about to say more, unable to hide the small nostalgic smile that crept in but then before she could speak the cab pulled up and the driver started notifying them they were at the hotel and Stevie felt like what could have been a moment of honesty between them was cut short.