The Dance

Sometimes You Spend Years

Stevie continued rubbing Christine's back in a soothing manner, feeling her breathing slowly as she slept and she began thinking back, determined not to sleep in case Christine was ill or needed help, she had to supervise her as she slept and try to keep herself awake and torturing herself by mulling over their history together was a good way to do it, well not good for her mental health but she felt she couldn't stop herself as it began flooding back like a river that burst its banks, as did the tears softly building more as she felt the same old wounds being re-opened and her own guilt over the past.

She had regrets, she blamed herself for them not being together, she blamed the cocaine, the Klonopin, the ups and downs and all the time she wasted on Lindsey, then all the other men who claimed to love her, the men she wasted her time on because Christine wasn't there or was off with someone she claimed to be with, it was all like a mess of mixed feelings and she wished she had thought more clearly years ago and not let the drugs affect her so heavily or let herself be pushed away my Christine's own drunk mood swings that were fuelled by her insecurities and Stevie realised Christine was a lot more insecure than anyone realised and that was even more clear now. 

Stevie had now dealt with a lot of her feelings, especially her feelings involving her band mates.  She knew she would always love Lindsey but she no longer wanted him and was happy he moved on and found someone because she knew how toxic their relationship had been no matter how many people though they were a love story, Stevie knew they weren't, she was just told to basically act like they still cared for eachother romantically on stage, she knew she no longer loved Lindsey like that and she just hoped he had moved on too, at least he was finally seeming to get over his obsession with her and he seemed to have less tickets on himself in her opinion but she hadn't been around him too long yet.

Besides the Lindsey issues, she truly cared for her bandmates a great deal, John and Mick meant a lot to her and she was grateful that her and Mick had easily gotten past their own fling years ago at least in her eyes anyway and they often had joked about it, no tension was left between them anymore, sometimes she knew Mick would drink or do a line and of course check her out and it amused her because she wondered how he could, she no longer looked young and desirable in her opinion and was still learning to try and love her body more, it was hard but she had come a long way.

Her and Mick had remained good friends even through their own bickering over the years but despite her trying to think of the others, she was leaving the most important until last, because that person meant the most, her best friend, the one who stood by her and the one she stood by through everything, a great romance still forbidden, but it was her songbird, her secret angel of her dreams, the one who had always been there and shared everything with her, her Christine.

Stevie loved Christine differently and her feelings were even clearer now as she held her, she missed holding Christine, she missed sharing her life with another person, that person being Christine and what hurt the most was it was clear Christine was fighting her own battle and wouldn't tell Stevie what it was, which worried Stevie further, she wanted to be there for her, she wished she had been in contact with her more, she felt selfish and felt she should have picked up more on how fragile and unstable Christine really had been all along instead of being blinded by her own addictions and Christine's façade. 

She began to slowly drift back over the years, foggy and vague memories that were laced in cocaine and alcohol, they were mostly unclear to Stevie, but some sure weren't, some stood out vividly.  

Such as the  first time her and Christine had been drunk, high, sad and ended up kissing. 

The first time was in a hotel on the tour for the White Album, Christine had let slip how unhappy she was with John and how she was crushing on someone else, somehow they got drunk together and ended up with their lips together, but Christine had pulled back and apologised over and over and acted scared.