The Dance

Fire Burning

Christine had dried her tears after spending hours seeming to cry and pass in and out of consciousness on the bed of her hotel suite which she had scampered into after getting her key. She had tried to drown her misery before sobering too much and she had then drank her own cocktail made of wine, vodka and water, many glassfuls to be exact, hoping she could keep that down and not bother eating anything since she had to have dinner with Stevie, food was such a struggle for her, she felt so anxious all the time, the minute she ate, she wanted to throw up, it happened often with alcohol too, but it seemed easier, she knew it wasn't right, but she wasn't fainting yet from it, so it wasn't an issue and she felt the sugar in the alcohol made up for her meal skipping anyway so she didn't see anything wrong with it.  

She tried not to think of all that, so many things she wanted to think of more, but mostly Stevie, the reason she came on the tour for, it was always Stevie and she offered her dinner, she had to try and find out Stevie's feelings more so she needed to try and look not like the train wreck she felt she was. 

She hurried about, her glass in her hand and got some clothing out of her suitcase, she couldn't help laugh when she put on some black lace underwear for the 'just in case' and then pulled on a pair of black pants, a white blouse and black blazer because she felt the urge to dress up for some reason even though Stevie was probably just being friendly and caring, as always.

Christine couldn't help herself feel like Stevie had asked her to dinner, like a date and she fantasized that she would go there and Stevie would have candles lit, a bottle of bubbly and confess her love for her, but Christine cut herself down, it wasn't the old days, they were middle aged and Stevie probably had a boyfriend, she just probably wasn't saying anything because of Lindsey. 

She sighed heavily as she fluffed her blonde hair up, then wandering into the bedroom, finding her make-case, she'd do the stage make-up later she thought as she applied some light foundation, maroon lipstick and sultry eyeshadow with a flick of mascara, then looking at herself, quickly taking a sip of her drink, then wishing she had the nerve to make a move on Stevie again, she recalled more bits of the previous night and felt like a complete fool, getting drunk and Stevie having to take care of her, throwing up on herself, how could Stevie love her when her life and herself were falling into a heap, she wondered.

Christine sighed deeply and picked up some of the fresh flowers that were sitting in a crystal vase, that had been set in the hotel room before she arrived and she was tipsy enough to humour herself and walked in front of the mirror, gulping, pretending she was talking to Stevie "Look Stevie, I have loved you for over twenty years now, the feelings never go, I want to be with you and spend my life with you, I always did but I thought setting you free was better for you even though it broke my heart and soul!" She stammered and then felt stupid on the edge of tears, thinking she sounded desperate and would annoy Stevie, she also didn't want to cry in front of her anymore. She wanted to put on her tough façade that fooled the world and mostly everyone else she knew. 

Christine cleared her throat, quickly holding back crying and decided to be more sultry because she didn't want to appear to be a blubbering desperate mess "Stevie, I still want you, lets go fuck after the show for old time's sake, see where things go because I've wanted you since I saw you again and haven't stopped wanting you even after all these years!" Christine smirked using her husky voice and then shook her head, thinking that would annoy Stevie or seem to make their friendship appear to be only sexual, sure the sex was great and she would have said a sentence like that years ago on tour, but not anymore and she didn't think she would have the courage to even say that either anymore. 

She sighed heavily after running her fingers through her hair, annoyed with herself and then looked at the floor, trying to think open her feelings more, the way she did when she was sat at the keyboard and pouring her feelings into a song usually written about Stevie but masked greatly.  She cleared her throat again and tried to bear her soul "Stevie I love you still and only came on this tour to be near you, be my girl again officially this time, lets actually give us a proper shot without drugs and other people or the dramas of the band, just us!" Christine gulped, then feeling how false that sounded, knowing how they were on a tour and she was on drugs and she then threw the flowers on the ground, frustrated with everything, mainly herself and her lifestyle "She wont want you Christine get over it, your acting like a lovesick teenager!" She snapped, shaking her head at herself, tugging at her hair in frustration that she didn't have the same nerves of steel anymore.

She then felt bad for the rainbow of flowers on the ground, laying there, looking as sad and broken as she felt. Christine sighed, bending down and picking them up, thinking how she herself felt like the flowers, tossed and left there, she needed Stevie to come and pick her up, like she was picking up the flowers.

Christine barely noticed she had started crying until one of her tears dropped down on the wooden floor and she sighed again, sniffling and standing up and placing the flowers back in the vase, then wiping her eyes and running nose on the back of her sleeve.

She jumped when she heard the clock ring seven times "Fuck!" she gasped, knowing Stevie was probably waiting for her, well she hoped the younger woman was anyway. She hurried about like a flustered bee buzzing about the hotel suite, grabbing her shoes, fixing her make-up, snorting some lines, chugging her drink, gulping some straight vodka and hastily grabbing a bottle of wine from her bag, then running out of there and up the hallway to Stevie's room, almost tripping in her heels that she despised, but she wanted to look good.

Meanwhile, Stevie paced the kitchen, worried the food was cold and more worried Christine didn't even want to be there with her, Christine had bolted off so oddly that morning, Stevie felt insecure, didn't Christine like her anymore now she was clean? Stevie wondered if she was really boring to be around, they used to have fun in the heavy drinking and drugging days, Stevie wondered if their relationship was the just the result of the lines blurring from the drug and alcohol intake. Stevie felt stupid for even thinking her and Christine had a chance, Christine was married and acting distant and vague still and was clearly going through some major issues, Stevie felt stupid when she stared at the candles that were almost burnt down, did it look too romantic? The white sage and patchouli incense burning, did it smell to sweet or too smoky? Would she scare Christine off?

Stevie mused back and forth, then wondered why she was bothering, Christine wouldn't want her anymore, Stevie saw herself as fat, boring and destined to be alone, she would never tell anyone about how she felt, but after cruel gossip and her own insecurities, being with Christine was a dream and she had lost her chance many years ago, fucked things up too much in the past with them.

Stevie blamed herself at times, taking Chrsitine's love and loyalty for granted, denying she was in love with another woman, espeically her best friend, pretending they were just friends that comforted eachother but it was love and Stevie knew that after getting clean, Christine was always on her mind, her best, friend and saviour, the person who got her through everything was Christine, her stability, the one person who made her feel special. Stevie realised that and just wanted one more chance to show Christine how she actually felt and wanted to be honest about how she had felt, she regretted so much, all the wasted years. Stevie sighed heavily and wondered if to just dump the meal and candles, Christine clearly didn't want to see her and Stevie felt foolish for basically setting up a romantic dinner date, Christine probably was still too hungover to even eat much Stevie mused and recalled how she seemed to be avoiding even eating anything, she also was wondering maybe Christine didn't want to see her at all.

Stevie walked about the room again, thinking back, what a wonderful and perfect person Christine was, loyal, loving, funny, strong, sexy and Stevie realised a long time ago, it was Christine she had longed for, all the qualities Stevie had looked for in men, she found in Christine along with so much more, but Stevie believed she had missed her chance and felt tears prickling her eyes as she picked up the extra plateful of food, sighing as she neared the fridge deciding she was probably making a fool of herself and she didn't want to make Christine feel uncomfortable, just as she opened the fridge door, a knock from the door echoed through the suite and Stevie felt like a fire just re-lit inside of her.