Saturday mornings were never special, until Lizzie starts dating Jonny Goodman and goes to Friday Night Dinner. Saturday mornings which were once for hangovers and the walk of shame, have now become lounging in bed with the love of her life and turn...
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I walk through the town and wrap my coat around me before bringing my phone out to skip the song that was playing. I see several messages from Jonny and quickly tap to read them
Twat that I love - Dad's cooking, Adam nearly got ran over by Bitchface and apparently Dad used to date her. xx
Twat that I love -It's boring without you! xx
Twat that I love - We've gone to get Chinese. I've left a seat in case you want to come after your family dinner from hell. xxx
Me- I'm five minutes away, maybe one if I spend ages typing this. Who's Bitchface? The dinner wasn't overly bad, we all made fun of each other then our mother. I may have broken mum's vase, but oh well - we all took the blame for it. Xx
I pocket my phone and enter the Chinese, walking over to the Goodmans "Happy Birthday Pussface!" I dump a present on him
"Ow!" I smirk and sit next to Jonny quickly, kissing him gently and he grins "ugh, do you have to do it here?"
"Just because your girlfriend is being pounded into..." I trail off when I see the waiter
"Would you like any Green Tea before your meal?" he asks, glancing at me worriedly
"Yes please," I smile
"What is this?" Adam asks as he pulls out his gift "some strange sex doll?"
"What? No!" I laugh "It's a little girl's radio for when you next have a jingle on,"
"It's more than a bit horrifying," he shows me the doll shaped radio with a slightly melted head,
"I was slightly tipsy and wanted to see if I could melt it with a lighter," I shrug.
-----------&----------
"Uh oh, Miss Mercedes alert!" Adam tells us whilst we continue eating
"I don't know how you could do things with that woman," Jackie comments to Martin
"Not this again! I've told you; it was years ago!"
"We're not suddenly going to find out we're actually her children, are we?" Adam asks
"Thank you, Adam!"
"Ooh, here she comes, our real mum!" Jonny jokes and I nearly spit out my drink, I keep it contained since she cleary didn't get the nickname Bitchface from nowhere.
"Nice meal?" she asks us
"Mm, very nice, thank you,"
"We didn't like it. We just told the manager; he's going to give us some free vouchers. It's not as good as the one in town," bitch
"Right,"
"Hi, Jonathan,"
"Hello," I try not to laugh, god this is awkward.
"Hello again, Adam,"
"Oh, of course, you, er, saw each other earlier," Jackie laughs awkwardly
"Yes, we had a little chat, didn't we?" Adam just mumbles something quietly "How are you doing, Martin?"
"Er, f-fine. Fine,"
"And you are?" she asks, staring at me
"Um, Lizzie, Jonny's girlfriend,"
"I saw you in Marks & Spencer's the other week, didn't I?"
"Only tossers call it that," I mumble to Jonny who hides a smirk "um yes, you pushed in front of me and used the excuse that you were scared your Mercedes would be scratched,"
"You also made I comment," She glares
"Ah yes, I called you 'Fucking dickmonkey who obviously owns a Mercedes because everyone who drives them are fuckheads who share one braincell' I believe," The table is silent and Jonny and Adam avoid eye contact with everyone, trying to contain laughter "I only went in there for a sandwich, you seemed to be doing your weekly shop though. Let me guess, you go to Waitrose as well?"
"Oh, er, you know my mother?" Jackie tries to ease the tension
"Oh, yes, of course. Doing all right there, Mrs Buller?"
"Hello. Who is it?"
"Sheila. Sheila Bloom," she introduces like she's actually got some sort of status
"Are you the pregnant lady?"
"I'm sorry!?"
"Grandma, have some more rice," Jonny tries to distract her, but it doesn't work
"The one that Martin got pregnant?" Shelia looks to her husband in shock
"Er, your mother, I forgot to ask, she was, er she was quite unwell," Jackie interrupts yet again
"Yes, well, she um, she passed away, about six weeks ago,"
"Oh, I am sorry. Oh, I had no idea!"
"Yeah, sorry," Adam says
"It was terrible! She had been quite ill,"
"Very sad,"
"We thought she was getting better and then she suddenly just went downhill. Eddie rushed her to the hospital in the, you know, Mercedes," I look over to Jonny and we bite our lips to hide smirks
"and even though he's a fast driver and the Mercedes is a fast car," I look over to Adam who is also hiding a smirk
" a very fast car," I cover my mouth either my hand and learn on the table
"well, he just couldn't get her in there in time and well she just she just died!"
"That's awful!"
"In the Mercedes," we all make audible laughs and try to cover it up, Shelia glares
"Sorry, I missed that, where was it her mother died?" Martin asks
"Don't say it again," I mutter and Jonny laughs harder
"In the Mercedes," we all laugh loudly now
"Right, Eddie, get the coats," they storm off and we keep laughing, Jackie tries to shush us.
"The fucking Mercedes!" I laugh into Jonny's shoulder as he laughs into my hair.
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Jonny had driven his car so that if I came, I could come with him. We drive back whilst the others go to get Martin's jacket.
"God, what does she think of us?"
"That as a family we just find leukaemia really funny?" I laugh again and Jonny tries to contain one so he can concentrate on driving
"Can we just go home?" I ask quietly "I'm sure Adam's already had a great Birthday,"
Jonny looks at me, as if to protest, then he sees my tired face and nods.
"Thank you," I mutter and take my phone out to text Adam
Me - Me and Jonny are going home, tell me if any other disasters occur
Alison's second boyfriend - Dad apparently 'kissed' bitchface's 'breasts'
