Avonlea High

Chapter 9

Anne
Gilbert, drinking and smoking. Infecting his body with deadly toxins that have killed people. That hurt me. What hurt more was that it was my fault. I watched Billy Andrews and Diana drive off. I was frozen. I couldn't move. They just left me there. They told me what they did and then they left me. I looked at the house in front of me. I only knew a little of what I was walking into. A tiny piece of what was to come when I stepped to that door. I locked my car and took long breaths as I went up the driveway. The squeaky porch planks wailed underneath my feet. I peeled open the screen door knocking on the white wooden one behind it. I saw a dark from standing behind the deformed windows among the door. It could only be one person.
One last breath and the door opened. You could smell the lingering of alcohol. Your throat could feel the dryness of slowly dissipating smoke. And see the fear and regret in the boys eyes before me. It hit like a bullet pierced my heart. I hated seeing him like this. Even if it was the first time I've seen him in this state, I didn't like that way it made me feel. What it looked like either.
"Hey," It was almost a whisper that came out.
"I'm sorry you had to come," he said flatly.
"Diana asked me to. I didn't have to, but I'm here."
"I-"
"Am I allowed in?"
"You are I just-"
"Don't want me to see what I did to you. It's okay. I can take it."
"Anne I-"
"Let me in Gilbert," I demanded.
He stepped back. I pushed my way in. He shut the door behind me. It was surprisingly clean. I'd assume that was Diana and Billy's doing. There was still the residue of the alcohol in the air. I could tell his poison of choice was whiskey. Just like Mr.Hammonds was. I used to live with the Hammond's, back before I came to Avonlea. They were the horrific family I ended up with before Marilla and Matthew. Whiskey was like water to Mr.Hammond, and that got me beat constantly with a belt. I turned around facing Gilbert. He was messing with his hair and clothes like he was trying to look presentable.
"Why?" I asked.
"What?"
"Whiskey and smokes? When did you start these... habits?"
"After my dad died, 8th grade maybe. I-it was the only way to escape the reality I was in. I stopped late freshman year-"
"When I got to town," I finished.
"Diana told you?"
"Billy did. But I made you come back to it?"
He nodded. I sighed looking around me and then back to the ta boy before me.
"You must be so angry with me," I said.
"I'm not angry. I'm in pain and you put me here!" Gilbert expressed painfully.
My heart broke admitting it was my fault. I hated being the cause of his pain. He had been through so much already. He didn't need another red haired freak to fuck it up more. He ran his fingers through his hair. I could feel his distress.
"I fell in love with you Anne."
"When?"
"When did I fall in love with you?"
"Yes."
"The minute I laid eyes on you."
"I don't- I don't understand Gilbert."
"What part?"
"I don't deserve to be loved. Not by you," I raised my voice trying to make a point.
"Might as well start drinking again then," he hissed.
He walked past me into the common room. He opened a cabinet and dug through bottles that clinked together. He pulled out a bottle and began to pour a glass shaking his head.
"What are you doing? You can't keep drinking your life away!"
"Why? Cause you said so?"
"Because you matter in this life."
"No one matters. Not anymore. Not love, not life, I have no family. It doesn't matter what happens to me. Might as well kill the Blythe bloodline while we're ahead"

"It matters and you know it!" I said trying to be angry but crying with sorrow.
This, this was all my fault. His pain. Him going back to drinking and all this shit. He promised himself he would stop. And he broke his own promise. I was breaking. This was the worst argument we've ever had. We've been friends, good friends for two years now. I trusted him more than I trusted myself. More than I trusted Diana. And Diana was my best friend. He shakily set down the drink he didn't even start. He sniffled looking up to me painfully.
"It matters," my voice wavered.
He nodded and put his hands to his eyes. He walked over sitting on the couch. His knee bopped up and down as his emotions peaked. Letting his tears show. He shook his head.
"I meant it. What I said at the carnival, it's true. I do love you, and I always have."
"Gilbert."
"You don't have to say it back. I know this-the mess I am, the horrible person I've become doesn't deserve that from you. You shouldn't have even come. Di shouldn't have messaged you about this. I'm sorry I've ruined such a beautiful day."
I listened to him ramble on about how I didn't need to see this side of him. How he never wanted to return to this state of being. How he regretted every single moment of it. He tried apologizing for being so mean to me before. He wanted to redeem himself but understood if I didn't give him that chance. I had since settled across from him. When he finally fell silent was when I took my chance to talk.
"You don't need to apologize Gil, it's already forgiven. You treated me how I deserved to be, you are allowed to feel these emotions and be angry with me, it's all valid. And that day at the fair, I meant it too. But this side of you, it scares me."
He nodded knowing it all too well. He looked up at me with his exhausted eyes. I sat on the coffee table across from him. The next words caused tears to my eyes.

"I didn't expect you to leave. I was never ready for you to leave. How could I? You've never left me before and I thought... I thought maybe you'd be the one who stayed."

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No POV
The two teens were engulfed in a bubble of deep heartbreak. The love for each other was stronger than any other in Avonlea. Even as they cried they loved each other. Fear was laced within their words more than anger ever did. The fear of losing each other. Of being lost without the other.
"I didn't want to leave Gilbert. I just-I was afraid of what I might lose."
"A friend. Someone who accepted you," the boy said.
"In doing so, I almost lost the person I loved most in this world."
"You can't be with me right now Anne. I'm not in a healthy place for you."
"I'm not leaving again."
The girl's eyes were filled with the same fire her hair resembled.
           "I'm not," she reiterated.
The hopelessness in the boys eyes fighting for dominance. His desire in a battle with it. What was he to do? He didn't want to hurt, or hurt her. No matter what way it was. He couldn't force her to sacrifice a friendship. But he also couldn't ask her to sacrifice himself. The boy loved her more than he could love anything. More than anyone could love anything. He loved her with more than his heart. His whole being loved her.
For the girl it was a battle. Love was a complicated feeling for her. She had never get it before. Though, she has been feeling it for years with Gilbert. She just never thought to put the feeling of love with how she felt. It seemed love was too small of a word to describe how he made her feel.
"You should just go Anne. I can sober up alone."
"I can't trust your state of mind right now Gil. Too many people have left me without saying goodbye."
"I'm not going to leave you," he said shakily. "I could never do that."
"Then I won't do it either."