Avonlea High

Chapter 11

Anne
Okay. Today's challenge of the day: making yesterday's outfit not look like yesterday's outfit. I stared at the uniform laid out on the ottoman. I could smell bacon freshly cooked in the kitchen.
        "I made breakfast," his voice bounced against the walls.
I still stared at the clothes trying to figure it out. I felt him walk behind me. His chin fell onto my shoulder after pressing a kiss to my cheek. A light blush dazzled my cheeks. But still I was focused on what I was going to do.
         "Why are we staring at your uniform?" he whispered trying not to laugh.
        "I can't wear the same outfit twice in a row. I need to change something."
         "What are you thinking?"
        "I'm not sure."
        "I have an idea. Just give me one second," he said disappearing down the hallway. I watched him go into his room. He was gone for a few minutes. I don't know what his idea was. He came out holding a few things in his hands. I squinted at them as he put them on the ottoman. I smiled seeing what he had.
        "Suspenders, I have my blazer that might be a bit big, a vest and such. Whatever you want to use."
I nodded and we continued to the kitchen eating a well deserved breakfast. We had to leave for school soon. But thank goodness I had the car today. I decided to wear Gilbert's blazer. Sacrificing his best for him to wear. I pulled on my backpack and waited with my keys for Gilbert. He took forever to get ready.
        "Gilbert we are going to be late!" I yelled down the hall.
         "I'm ready, I'm ready," he stumbled into view.
I laughed opening the door. He followed me out locking the door. I unlocked my car and headed to it. We drove to school fairly quickly despite every red light I hit. Gilbert singing to the radio the whole way making me laugh. We headed to school and made it 20 minutes before the first bell. We walked side by side until I grabbed his hand lacing it with mine. He squeezed it tightly letting me know he recognized I'm here. Diana was waiting by my locker with my hygiene stuff. I let go of Gilbert's hand going to Diana. I took everything into my arms as she commented on Gilbert's jacket I was wearing.
          "I'll see you in math. I just gotta fix a few things okay?" I said to him.
           "Of course. See you then."
I turned to walk off with Diana to the locker room. I stopped myself turning back to Gilbert and ran to him with a peck on his lips. He smiled and ushered me away to Diana. He was smiling. Thank god he was smiling. Diana also had a smile on her face. I shoved her shoulder and we laughed heading for the locker room.
We went in and I began cleaning myself up. I pulled half my hair up into a braided bun. Diana twirling a pen between her fingers.
         "I take it that he's good now?"
         "He's getting better," I answered wetting my toothbrush.
        "So?"
        "So what?"
        "Are you guys dating or not or what?"
        "It's ill-defined. We don't need to put any kind of label on it," I began to brush my teeth.
        "Uhhh what?"
        "I just don't believe in labels Diana. You can call us whatever you want. But to us, we are just Gilbert and Anne," I said with a mouthful of toothpaste.
Spitting into the sink I rinsed my toothbrush out. Diana has confusion written all over her face. I shook my head as I sprayed perfume on my skin finishing the routine. I checked my phone. Two minutes to the first bell.
         "If you really need a definite label to call us, decide on your own okay? I gotta get to class Di," I said softly shoving things in an empty pocket.
         "Anne wait!" Diana called jogging after me. "Are you sure you guys are alright. After everything that happened-"
        "Don't worry about me. Or Gilbert for that matter. We're okay. I will see you in English," I assured my best friend.
Worry still riddled her eyes. I think she could see right through me. The lies about me being okay. The truth was, I wasn't okay. I wasn't even damn near close. Sure now that Gilbert wasn't about to kill himself I was better. But the guilt still weighed on me. I got to math right as the first bell rang. Gilbert was smiling and laughing with the other two boys at our table. Charlie and Moody in fact. We all grew up with each other. We knew each other quite well. Well, I think so. Then again I learned a whole different side of Gilbert in these last hours. I sat down putting a fake smile for the three boys as I got out my things. Class seemed to get a bit easier. And I wasn't any good at math, so it was a good sign. Class ended a few minutes late after the bell and it was off to English. Diana was already in class by the time we got there. Gilbert was fairly quiet to conversation with me. Maybe I was over analyzing it but it still made me worry. Obviously Diana saw it. She stood going to our teacher Ms.Stacey and spoke hushed. And next thing I know Diana is dragging me out the door into the hall.
        "Somethings wrong and I can feel it from here."
        "I'm fine Diana-"
        "You aren't fine, and that's okay Anne. It's okay to be not fine. What you both had to just go through, that is an immense trauma you are keeping bottled up. Gilbert, he's fine, that's because if you. But I can see it in your eyes you feel different. You're distant, a little cold, and that is not who you are. So what is wrong?"
And like that it was coaxed out. Like honey dripping off my tongue everything came out. The guilt I felt. The pain it caused me. The way I can't figure out what will fix the wound I made myself. The gaping hole in my heart and in my stomach that I couldn't quite fill or settle. Diana's face fell with each expression of truth I made.
        "But I can't leave him," I finished. "I just can't."
        "Anne-"
        "I'm not doing it Diana."
        "It's toxic Anne. For you, right now. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be together, I just think you both need time."
I took a deep breath. Well, I just shuddered the whole time. It was hard to keep myself together right now. It was so difficult. I shook my head at Diana. I put my hand to my head and sucked in another breath. I couldn't go back in there. Diana just compromised me. I couldn't hold myself together in that classroom. I couldn't go to class. I just couldn't bear to step foot back in there. Diana tried to reach out to me, I stepped back and shook my hand.
        "Just stay back," I brimmed with tears.
        "An-"
        "Di stop. Just go back into class. I can't do this with you right now."
        "I didn't mean-"
        "Diana stop! Just... just go," I said.
She nodded with water building in her eyes. I turned away storming down the hall. I passed a teacher who tried to ask where I was going. I pushed the metal doors outwards and walked into the forest. I ended up at the old story club hideout.
I was there for hours. I didn't realize how late it was. Probably due to my crying and refusal to leave. At some point my tears stopped and I began to write. I had left a box of blank papers and my pencil in here. I began to write fiercely. When rereading it, it was addressed to myself. It was a writing to myself. Telling myself what to do and what was happening. I dug around for my phone before I realized I left it in class along with everything else. I sighed and decided it was time to go back to school. I felt the writing in the box and hid it in the hollowed tree trunk. I crawled out of the hideout and pulled myself to my feet. Dusting off my skirt and adjusting Gilbert's blazer I crossed my arms over my abdomen. It got colder. I guess I didn't notice while I was going through that emotional rollercoaster.
I made my way to the school seeing it's open doors. Kids were just trickling out. Classes must've just ended. Or they have ended for awhile. The cars in the lot were nearly all gone. I had to get my keys and drive myself back. I pulled the door open and Diana was walking with Gilbert. They were talking about something heavy. You could see it in the way the emphasized words and exacerbated sentences. Hand movements trying to explain what each thing meant.
I seemed to immediately catch their attention. Gilbert veered his eyes and turned to catch up with Charlie. I looked at Diana. She almost had a dark look on her face. She had my bag over her shoulder and my phone in her hand. I walked up to her and held out my hands. She passed my bag to me and slapped my phone into my hand harshly. Without a word she just walked off. I don't know what undid to deserve this treatment. But I shook it off and decided to go for a drive before going home. I ended up at the fair, the place where Gilbert and I went on our first date. The place I confessed my love quicker than I could comprehend. I just watched as the lights flicked on. The memory replayed in my mind. The happiest night I'd had in awhile. Ending perfectly. I wished it could've been like that. So we didn't have to go through all the hurt we have. Maybe I could've prevented it. If I'd just not been so worried about Ruby and everyone else. If I had put myself and my happiness first for once.
I drove home, it was late. To my surprise Marilla was still up. And I somehow gained the courage to spill everything that happened out. The things that scared me. Everything I worried about.
        "But this darkness in him-" I began.
        "It only came out when you left. Anne you are the light, and I think Matthew would agree when I say we would be in a similar darkness as he if you ever left us."
And that was it. That was all I needed to hear. Those words seemed to heal whatever hole was in my heart. Whatever unsettling feeling I had in my stomach, it just dissipated. Evaporated like it was never there. I was unsure for a moment. But after sleeping in the thought I came to a conclusion.
Gilbert made me happy, in every way. I don't plan on losing that for myself.
Fate didn't have my desires. They just contradicted them. The morning didn't go as planned.

Don't worry I was just editing 😉