Avonlea High

Chapter 15

Anne
The salty ocean breeze melted in my tongue as the air filled my lungs. The slight chill that came with the wind while the sun warmed my skin. The joy of the sea overcoming me. My friends around me where words couldn't hurt anymore. The past becoming the past as we breathe and live in the same moment. The current. Isn't it funny how were by the current as well. Of the sea of course. She was very dear to me. I didn't have a care in the world. I was free. We were free. Nothing and no one was holding us back. And the hatred I had, any anger or negative feelings, they were gone. I was happy. I had my friends around me. The ocean before me. If I could, I would stay here forever. We all sat on the beach towel. We still had all the time in the world.
"Hey guys," I said aloud.
They all looked at me. I knew what I had to say. I knew what I wanted to say. It was the only way to fix things from the mess they've become.
"I want to apologize for everything I've done. I know I'm some way I have hurt each and every one of you. I lost who I was and that's my own fault, I am so sorry," I said.
I still had more to say.
"Diana, I'm so sorry for how I treated you. You were right to do that, you did what was right. For me and everyone and you didn't deserve the things I said and did. Billy I'm sorry for making you a fall boy in my revenge plot that I thought I wanted to carryout. Charlie I'm sorry you're wrapped up in this at all. And Gilbert-" my throat got caught. "I don't have the words to express how sorry I am for it all. For making things worse over and over again. And the lying. I'm just-I'm so sorry."
"I forgive you. And I'm sorry too," Diana said. "Can we still be best friends?"
"Of course! I'd love that," she squeezed me into a hug.
Billy just laughed it off. Charlie did as well. Gilbert stood and went to the shoreline. Where the water met the soft sand. We all watched for a moment.
"Please go and talk to that hopeless romantic," Charlie groaned.
"What?" I was startled.
"He feels guilty too Anne. You guys love each other. Go before you make us lose our marbles," Diana urged.
I nodded standing. It had gotten warmer. The wind stopped blowing. I just had my sweater on leaving my skirt by the towel. It just barely skimmed my thighs over my swimsuit. I dipped my feet in the lukewarm water. Sloshing them to Gilbert's side. He stood staring at the ocean abyss. The distance that stretched for days.
"The heart of a man is very much like the sea, it has storms, it has tides and in its depths it has pearls too," he quoted a poem.
"Vincent van Gogh," I said.
"From now, we start new. Can we agree to that? Start there where we began before everything, as friends."
"I like the sound of that," I nodded fiercely.
We engulfed each other in a tight hug. But we both had the idea to try and wrestle each other into the water. I obviously lost. Sitting in defeat on the sand. The waves rushing up my legs. The tide was getting higher and itching up my waist. Gilbert came and sat next to me.
"The tide is coming in," he mentioned.
"I know," the water rolled back to the sea developing for the next wave.
I could feel him holding a stare on me. Just like before everything happened. The same stare that makes me blush. And my face was heating up despite the water cooling down as it got later.
"Do you ever wonder what it's like to live in the ocean, to be one with the deep blue. That maybe if you wait long enough as the tide comes, she will take you with her to her depths and show you beautiful tragedies of the sea?" I asked.
"I've already been to the depths of the deep blue," he said airily.
"You're not shark boy now are you? Do I know a merman now?" I joked.
"No I'm not shark boy. Or half fish. But I know the wonders of deep blue."
"How?"
"Your eyes match the sea in color and depth. Holds wonders and tragedies much like the ocean before us."
"That sounds like the start of a beautiful poem."
"I was never good with words."
"Says the two time winner of the spelling bee," I laughed.
"But anyways, Diana doesn't want to leave too late. And she doesn't want us to be sopping wet in her car. So we should go start to dry off."
He stood by my side. I waited one last time for the salt to wash over my legs before trashing my hand up for his. He pulled me up and we walked back to the towel. Forgetting our hands were intertwined I released mine diffing for my book and towel. I set my towel on the sand adjusting to find my page in my book. Gilbert pulled his towel over sitting by me.
"What are you doing?"
"I have nothing to do. So I was going to listen to you read," he adjusted himself to the ground.
"I read with my eyes."
"And now you can read aloud," he said lying his head in my lap now.
Brushed my hand over his hair as I found my page and began reading. After the first chapter he was asleep. I kept reading, not aloud. But I kept reading. Not really registering I was still running my hand through his curls. He shifted around and I looked down seeing his eyes open and looking at me.
"Have a nice nap?" I teased.
"It was glorious," he joked. "I had a very comfortable pillow."
I shoved his arm slightly as I looked back at my book to finish the last paragraph of the chapter. Billy wandered over to tell us the sun was setting. I shut my book after bending the top corner down. Gilbert managing his way to his feet. I did the same collecting the blankets he left as he messed with billy and Charlie. Diana had an armful of blankets. I folded Gilbert's and my towel putting them down. I went to Diana and took two blankets. She clutched onto the last one.
"Thank you," she smiled.
"Anytime. And thank you, for forgiving me, and driving, and being you. You're amazing Diana Berry."
"Says the amazing one herself," Billy commented begging us for a blanket.
"Here take the fuzzy one," I said gesturing to the blue one.
He grabbed the deep blue fuzzy one. I held the cream colored knit one that was left in my arms.
"Charlie and I will share this one," Diana said skipping to the tall boy of hers.
He smiled happily as she opened the dark green wool blanket. He took it and her in his arms spinning her. The three of us all smiled at them. They were perfect. We knew they'd been together "secretly" for awhile. It wasn't really a secret. They have liked each other forever. Gilbert said he'd been calling it since middle school. I've only been here since freshman year but I knew the moment she introduced me to Charlie. And she also told me how much she liked him. Repeatedly. I just connected the dots when she stopped talking about him.
"Does that mean we get the sad and hole-y blanket," Gilbert asked.
I laughed. He was right. We did get the shittiest blanket of them all. Billy wrapped up on his own. Diana and Charlie snuggled up together. I gave Gilbert one end and we wrapped it over both our shoulders. We sat with our friends looking at the ocean. The sun began to disappear behind the edge of the water where the sky and sea met. And I was at peace.
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Dear Wondrous Universe,
I know I haven't written to you in awhile. But I just found your use again. I just got home from a wondrous time at the beach. Forgiveness filled our hearts and joy replaced the sadness. Or at least most of it. I agreed to be friends with a beloved when I know it wasn't going to be fulfilling. But I promised we would be back to normal friends. Despite a forbidden kiss shared and hearts torn and rebuilt. I promised. And I can't break more promises.
He's my best friend. He's my favorite person. In the whole world. And I was hoping for the universal to tell me where I should go and what I should do. But you can't seem to give me an answer so I ask again. In writing instead of screams. In hand written poetry over the sobs.
Where shall I go? To the left where nothing's right. Or do I go right where there is nothing left.
And maybe this is a complicated metaphor for you dear universe. But if I go to the left and go against the promise I made, nothing will ever be right. But if I do the right thing, there will be nothing for me. Not a thing left. I won't be able to do anything. And I feel like it's an impossible choice.
Diana and Marilla keep insisting it will get better with time. That I'll feel better about it if I just give it time. And time is just stupid. Just like we were with our stupid timing that didn't work out.
The thing is, I don't wanna feel better about it. There is nothing to feel better about. Nothing. That's what I wanna feel. I want to feel nothing. It would help the time pass easier. But I can't do that. I can't not feel. It is not who I am. I want to be though.
It truly is painful to feel everything so very deeply.
I fear the consequences of my actions. That it will or would possibly ruin the things I'd just repaired. And so, universe please just tell me. Show me a sign. Literal or figurative. I just need something, anything to hold onto or understand.
I just want to understand.
I guess that's all. Thank Universe. I'll write you again soon.

-Anne
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Charlie
Gilbert and Billy stayed at my house after the beach. They wanted to have a guys talk. I should've expected it. But it left Diana with Anne. They had made up, but they were in the car alone. Who knows what they could encounter. They could get all fired up again. I knew Diana could get as fiery as Anne's red-haired self.
Diana popped the trunk with her window down. Anne had climbed into the front seat after I exited it. Diana and Anne leaning out their windows. Anne giving Billy and Gilbert partial hugs through her window. Diana tucked behind her arms waiting for me to approach. I had my backpack and bag of wet clothes as I walked to her window. Her dark loose curls waving slightly with the light breeze.
"I'll see you in the morning?" I asked.
"As always," she nodded.
She nearly pulled herself into the car. I brushed her chin and brought it to me planting a kiss on her lips. She chuckled sweetly. She playfully pushed me back urging me to go inside. I winked at her as I passed around the front of her car. Her and Anne then disappeared down the street to Green Gables.
We sauntered inside to an empty house. It was family grocery day. Everyone was at the store. It gave us time to talk about whatever they wanted to talk about.
"So why are we here?" I groaned.
"Because we are in a conundrum," Billy said. "Well loverboy is," he pointed to Gilbert who was daydreaming on the couch.
"Please don't tell me we still need to consult him on his love life. I thought he figured it out," I groaned going into the kitchen to slather some grilled cheese on the griddle.
Billy sighed and Gilbert denied it. Only for about ten minutes. Enough time for me to cook us all some grilled cheese sandwiches. With food Gilbert finally admitted it.
"We're just friends now," he said.
"Oh good. Can't wait to see that fall apart," Billy scoffed biting into the sandwich.
"It's not going to fall apart!" Gilbert insisted.
"They can be friends Bil," I said softly.
"Have you ever presumed Gilbert Jonathan Blythe to be just friends with Anne Shirley Cuthbert?" Billy asked.
"I won't lie. You guys are kind of destined in a way?"
"Ugh. You guys suck."
"We aren't going to just sit here and convince you that you can be just friends with her," Billy exaggerates standing.
"Why not?" Gilbert raised his voice.
"Because you are stupidly blind if you think it's what she wants."
"Neither of us are ready for a relationship right now. I'm just starting to recover again," Gilbert tried to say calmly.
"God you are hopeless. You can't even tell us how you feel for her," Billy pushed him to explode.
And without fail and always Gilbert did. He erupted with emotion. It was expected. So I just ate my grilled cheese like popcorn for a horror movie. Every jump scare was expected.
"I'm in love with her, okay? If you're looking for the word that means caring about a person beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you. It's love. And when you- when you love someone it doesn't stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy. Even then-especially then. You just- you don't give up," Gilbert went off.
"So you're just going to go with it. Be her friend, only her friend. Because you love her," I said.
"It's what she wants Char," Gilbert shrugged. "There's nothing I can say or do about it. I have to respect her wishes."
"You guys should get home. It's late and my family should be home any minute. Get some sleep. I'll see you guys at school," I said, ushering the two of them out.
"I'm sorry Charlie. For the tangent."
"You make me feel better about my love life," I joked.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he nodded heading down the street.
Billy taking off in the opposite direction. And like that a car pulled into the driveway. I watched as my sisters came bursting out the doors and crashing into my arms. They squealed my name all talking over each other about their days. I slowly walked them with my back to the car to help unload. My mother gracefully waited for us to assist. I gave each of the girls a bag to take inside. Me and my mother left with the last of the bags.
"I saw your friends leaving. They could've stayed," mother spoke.
"I haven't told them yet," I sighed.
"I thought you had. You told Diana."
"I will tell them. When the time is right. Too much has been going on."
"Well they should know Charlie, you're leaving school next week," she urged.
"I know. I'll tell them. I promise."
"Your father kept too many secrets for his own good. That's why he left us. Don't you leave us too," she said, closing the trunk of the car.
"I won't."