Avonlea High

Chapter 25

Anne
I don't want it. I don't want the reality. Gilbert has no right to take this away from me. This was my safe place. He knows that.
"He's dying and you're running away."
I started to be lured to the waves. Maybe it would silence it all. Gilbert's reality check, Matthews' pain, Marilla's sad eyes. It would quiet it all. I barely got ankle deep before Gilbert tried pulling me back. I pulled away harshly. I shook my head walking parallel to the waves.
"You're doing the wrong thing Anne," he said behind me.
"The wrong thing? How do you know what's right and what's wrong," I scoffed loudly.
"I lost my father too Anne."
I stopped. He never talked about his father. Not about the time he was dying. He talked about when he was a kid before his dad got sick. But never this.
"My dad died alone with no one at his side. I wasn't there and I regret it everyday. I ran away, filled with hope like you, I came back filled with hatred and anger. I don't want anyone, especially you to feel that way ever."
I was quiet. I didn't want to give in. I didn't want to tell him he was right. Even if he was. I wasn't giving Gilbert the satisfaction.
"Matthew is like a father to me Anne, I hate losing another dad but Anne this-you have an opportunity to do what I failed to. I don't want you to turn out like me."
"There's nothing wrong with you," I said.
"Everything's always wrong with me Anne. You are the only thing that's right, I'm hoping to keep it that way."
I watched as Gilbert's tears fell down the full length of his face. He didn't wipe them away like he always did. Catch them before they run away too quickly down the rolling hills of his face.
"This sucks," I choked the words out painfully.
He advanced to me and I to him. I tucked my head into his shoulder as he held me in his warm arms.
"Everything will be okay."
"Will it?" I doubted.
"Probably not, but I will do everything in my power to make it better."
"Why?"
"Because i love you Anne."
I thought it would hit me harder when he said it. Especially like that in a time like this. But there was nothing. I felt as if I almost didn't believe it. Like I was numb to what "I love you" meant. And I get it, it's like the big three. Kind of like Zeus, Poseidon, & Hades. Important and the key to everything. Though Greek mythology isn't widely accepted or referenced it doesn't quite make sense. But you get it. They were the big three, those are the big three words. They make the world turn. Or something like that.
My face was slack and I could feel him breathe. What was this feeling. This emptiness. Was it realism finally creeping in on my optimism? Was I finally being overtaken by pessimism?
"Anne?" He said softly.
"Hm?" I was caught off guard.
"I said I love you?"
"I know."
"This isn't Star Wars Anne."
"I know."
"Matthew is dying."
"I know," I nodded pulling my arms away from his warm torso.
"Do you know any other words?"
"No I-"
"Funny."
I pressed my lips together. He was getting frustrated. I shook my head. I didn't ever want to say it without believing it and meaning it. But Gilbert forced my hand.
"I love you too," I sighed almost weakly.
"Wanna head back to the hospital?"
"No. You head back I need some time."
"I'll stay with you-"
"Gilbert, please leave."
His eyes fell sad. I hated how broken they looked. Those warm green eyes turned watery as he nodded holding a fake smile. Yet he still managed to plant a painful kiss on the side of my head before walking away. Pants half drenched in pain from me. But I couldn't tell him not to leave now. But just as he was leaving I got a message from diana. Of course he messaged her.
-I'm on my way Anne xo Di
I walked to the drier sand and pulled off my hoodie setting my phone on it. Leaving my shoes beside it I walked. Towards the cold water. And it's not like I'm suicidal. I just need the water. I need it around me. I want it to take all my pain away. All the sadness. It does so wonderfully at it. Making everything go away. Stealing the very sand beneath my feet. Swallowing itself back up, rushing past my ankles.
"I wish I could be the sea," I spoke softly to myself. "To be able to hide all the pain, and take others away. How lovely that would be to be able to wash Matthew's pain away with the rush of water."