What's really on my mind

Carefully

Carefully
by Shakeria Methvin

I keep thinking of things that terrify me to the point of tears.
But screaming in my mind so parents don't fear for me
I think of dying but want life to be legendary,
One where I can finally be free, accepted by a family.

The one that gave birth to me regretfully couldn't keep me
so carefully I tread on new land that wasn't made for me.
Church people worry but only because of my fear I step back smile and speak politely,
not knowing what the cost is of what would happen if I fall to deep.

Hearing words I'm not sure that are made for me; words that indicate that they're there for me.
I stare blankly put on a mask and say "thanks for praying for me."
Smiling like I'm not afraid of what they might do if they hear the truth in a circle of people that they call friends and family.

Caring to much could easily turn to casualty from rumors behind my back
to tears that they have shed for me that could all turn into red like blood that I see in my sleep
as they fall peacefully they know they are going home
while still clinging to the body's screaming in my mind "what about me!"

Knowing God can hear me,
but outside it's so dark while I know that there's no place for me,
still try to cling on to reality as I fall asleep.
Me fearing that I will see the people that love me, only to wake up in the morning saying sweet words not knowing what they mean to me.

Also happy that I've made that persons week
my smile falls as I tell them I'm ok so they don't worry for me,
while screaming at my self internally "something's wrong with me!"
Sorry if I don't except your hugs don't take it personally,
just take the smile and know it's cause I'm the judge of me.

As I fight with the person that I'm meant to be,
Maybe I'm just trying not to seem to weak,
"reach out for help you say." Maybe I'm just being lazy.
The thing I will say is thank you for caring carefully
and that's on respect you see.