Dear Meggie

October 22nd, 2012

October 22, 2012

 

Dear Meggie,

Today, I wrote a poem. We were supposed to write about how we would succeed in making our dreams come true. And Mrs. Erikson was supposed to pick people at random to share our poems, with no objections. I wrote this:

 

I Dream

I dream a dream

That’s impossible to me.

They say I can do anything

Though I cannot.

I dream that someday,

I can be someone.

Although I know

It’s an unlikely wonder.

I dream reality

Nowadays.

Because I know

Dreams are just dreams.

Dreams cannot change me

They only cloud me.

They can give off false hope,

and untrue challenges.

I dream a dream

that someday,

I can be

truly

me.

 

When I finished, I looked up at the class. They just stared at me. I stared back. It felt like an eternity before Mrs. Erikson finally said, “Ms. Oliveson, you can return to your seat now.” I wished you were there to tell me it wasn’t that bad.

I tried to tell you about it while we had gone off campus for lunch, but you were too caught up in whatever Matthew was doing. I just sighed and followed you guys to wherever you were going for lunch, along with the rest of ‘our’ friends.

We ended up going to that new burger place. I got a cup of coffee, and that was all. I ran my finger against the top of the container as I listened to the new gossip.

“Oh my god, today, Craigg asked me out!” Kelly said.

“Really?” asked Sarah. I had no clue who Craigg was.

“Yeah,” she said. “Meggie saw it happen! Oh, I almost peed myself, I was so excited.” That earned a few laughs around the table.

“Some emo chick today in Mrs. Erikson’s made this poem and everyone was just silent. No laughs, no nothin’.” Matt said.

“Oh, hey, don’t you have her at the same time as Harriett?” Meggie asked.

“Who?”

Everyone laughed. I took a gulp of my coffee and slammed it down on the table. “That was me,” I said.

Silence. I took another gulp. Sarah broke the silence. “Hey, I didn’t know Harriett was so emo!” she said. “Oh wait, yeah I did. Judging by the scars on her ank- ow! Meggie what the hell?”

“Sarah, could you not talk like that in front of her? Please?” You pleaded.

It made me feel weak, that you didn’t think I could handle it. What do you think I am, a person who can’t handle even the slightest bit of criticism? I looked at you, glaring, and said, “I think I’m going to go.” I got up from our table, and walked back to school.

You called from behind me, “Harriett, wait! Sarah said she was sorry! Harriett!” I kept walking. I didn’t turn back. I was too angry to even look at you. I wasn’t as weak as you thought I was. As you think I am.

How am I supposed to survive when even my closest friend doesn’t believe in me?

I didn’t ever go back to class. I just walked over to the park, and swung on the swings. After a while, you found me, and sat on the one next to me. “Harriett, what happened to you?” you asked.

“I don’t need to be protected, Meggie,” I said. “I’m not some five-year-old who can’t handle anything anyone says.”

“I’m sorry, I just thought that after what Matt said, and what Sarah-”

“Don’t yell at them for stating their opinions, Meggie,” I said. “You can’t change their minds. It’s how they feel. There’s nothing left to do.”

“It’s just I didn’t want you to go off and cut yourself-”

“I can handle criticism!” I yelled. “The only thing I can’t handle is if it’s from you. What, do you think I’m attention seeking? Just doing it for the laughs? I bring a blade down quickly on my ankle every single time I’m criticized?”

“That’s what I did,” you said.

“Well then you’re an idiot, Meggie. Because if you can’t even handle the smallest bit of criticism, how the hell are you going to make it in this world?”

You looked back at me. “Well, since I’m such an idiot, maybe I was just too stupid to try to talk to you, and try to understand you.”

“I don’t need you to understand, because you can’t, Meggie, you just can’t. It’s different from your perfect life. My life is a hell of a lot different from yours,” I said, and you walked away. That was that. I was mad at you, this time. I didn’t want to be, but I was. And could you really blame me?

When I said you can’t understand me, I really meant it. You can’t. Because there isn’t just school for me to deal with. There’s something called my family, and they sure as hell don’t help anything.

When I had gotten home from school that day, my mother slapped me across the face as soon as I stepped through the door. “Why the hell weren’t you in school, Harriett?” she snapped at me.

“I don’t know, I’m sorry,” I said.

“Sorry won’t cut it. Why weren’t you in school?” She slapped me again.

“I’m sorry, Mother,” I said. My cheek burned, but I kept a blank facial expression.

“Go to your room, Harriett,” she said. “And don’t come out.”

“No.”

She grabbed me by my hand and dragged me to the door. She locked it, and I leaned against it. I closed my eyes, waiting for my sister to come home and probably torment me through the wall. “Stupid, fat little Harriett, always doing the wrong thing,” she’d say. I just can’t deal with it, Meggie, I can’t.

That’s why I had shown up at your house late that night. I didn’t even ask for forgiveness, it wasn’t needed. You didn’t ask questions. You just let me in. And that’s why we never hang out at my house. And that’s why, now, the window to my room is open.

I guess I should say thanks for being there for me, Meggie. Thanks.

Love,

Harriett