Dear Meggie

December 10th, 2012

December 10th, 2012

(Day of the Talent Show)

 

Dear Meggie,

I knew it. I knew I was gonna fuck it up. And on top of that, you’ve decided that you’re going to New York for your birthday. With fucking Sarah, and some other girl who I don’t even know. All that work I did, for nothing.

So what happened was this:

You and I went into the auditorium together. I was wearing a sensible black sweater with a high waisted polka-dotted skirt, along with my ratty blue sneakers.

My hair was pretty much the same. Didn’t really try that hard to look good.

I put my sheet music on the stand, practiced it through one time, and looked at you. You smiled, and said, “You’re gonna do great, Harriett.”

I smiled back. Why did I smile back? On the inside I felt like all my organs were imploding inward.

People began to file into the auditorium. I hid backstage as you took your seat. Acts went before me. Someone singing. The nerd doing the stupid magic act. Guitar. Dancing. Then me.

I walked onto the stage as the ballet girl smiled at me. She said, “Good luck” and then all of my worries subsided and I was left with the piano, and me.

I stared at the keys. I took a deep breath. I began the first few notes. Pause. Then I put my all into it and was doing the song for so long, it felt like days, I wondered when it would be over, and then I stopped, mid-note. I held my breath. The music in front of me began to distort. People awkwardly began to stare at me.

I looked to the crowd. Someone began to laugh. I looked back at the keys. I tried to start again. The sound came out distorted. I began to hyperventilate. I looked back at you. More laughs. You looked at me, concerned, and then Garret stood up.

“What a moron!” He shouted. “Get off the damn stage!”

I stared as everyone began to laugh at me. Laughter, laughter, laughter. All around me. I stood up, and ran. I ran offstage. I ran into the halls. I ran out of the front door. I ran all the way to the woods. I fell along the path, rolled off the side of a hill, and I just lied there and cried.

Closing my eyes, I sat on my heels. I rocked backward and forward, then backward again. Then I felt the bile lift in my throat. I tasted it on my mouth. And then it was in front of me. And I cried even more.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, as I just cried, curled into a ball, not wanting to move. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” I heard someone tell me, but I just cried and cried and cried until I was just breathing in air and whimpering, and my head was buried in my knees, and a blanket was wrapped around my shoulder, and someone carried me home. I fell asleep in their arms.

When I woke up, I saw you, sitting on my bed. I checked the time. 6:30. I looked at you questioningly. “What-”

“Will went after you. I told him to find you. Apparently, you fell really hard. You got all cut up,” you said. “I’m so sorry.”

“About what?” I asked.

“About making you do it. And about Garret. I didn’t know he was going to do that,” you said.

“Doesn’t really matter to me, anyway,” I said. “I know you paid him off.”

You looked at me, almost in confusion, but you knew what I was talking about. “What are you-”

“I know you paid him to ask me out and all that,” I said. “You know I don’t really care. And honestly, I think I know who I’m gonna invite.”

“You have a crush on someone?” you asked.

“No. I’m going to ask someone as a friend.”

And it was true. I think I should make friends with that ballet girl. Who knows. Maybe she’ll be even better than you are, Meggie.

“You know, tomorrow I’m heading to New York, right?” you asked.

“What?” I asked, snapping to focus. “But it’s your birthday!”

“I know. That’s why I’m going. With Sarah and Natalie.”

“Who the fuck is Natalie?”

“My cousin. Listen, I gotta go. Sarah and I have got to pack.”

And you were gone. I can’t fucking believe you, Meggie. I just can’t.

Sincerely,

Harriett