Nora's POV
Well that could have gone better. A hell of a lot better. I didn't really know what to expect but it's too late now, because Shawn knows something is up. I can't hide it forever. We walked down the steps in silence, sat in the cab silent all the way back to the Upper East Side. That's a long time to be quiet. I could tell that Shawn was itching to say something, anything. I even noticed him try to say something a few times but no words came out.
I know the Italian language is confusing for anyone who doesn't speak it. Well, any foreign language is confusing for anyone who doesn't speak it. But he could tell with the atmosphere, how things were said that it probably wasn't a pleasant conversation. Nonna, Mama and I will be fine, we always are. We fight, we argue, that's how we communicate sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, we just express it differently than most.
Right now, he's tapping his foot on the floorboard. It confirms to me that he's nervous. It doesn't concern him so he has nothing to be nervous about.
We arrive at his building and he's quick to exit but he's always a gentleman, helping me out, holding doors for me. I give him a slight smile and squeeze his hand.
"I'm fine." I assure him. I'm sure he doesn't believe me but this is what happens. This is my new normal since Nonno has died. It's been seven years since he's passed and I'll still tear up at the drop of a hat if his name is mentioned. I've only recently been able to look at his pictures. He was like a father to me, all I've ever known for a male figure in my life. My father was someone my mom just had fun with, and when he found out she was pregnant, he split. I'm not hurt, better off without someone in fact that can't even change for his own daughter. At least God blessed me with grandparents and a strong mother.
This silence is killing me. I haven't always been one for conversation, I don't mind the silence but after what he's just witnessed I know that he's full of questions. He's just trying to be respectful. For some reason I don't want respectful right now. I want questions, I want him to push me, not physically obviously. Sometimes I just want to break. What I really want to do is break free from this city. It's just so big and the walls close in on you easily. In this big city and I feel like I've already outgrown it, my options are limited.
"So are you hungry?" Shawn asks as he sets my bag down. As a true gentleman, taking it from me and carrying it for me this whole time.
"Not really. I've seemed to have lost my appetite." I shrug, looking around his place. I actually haven't been here since it was empty. He's been trying to fill it, and it's a little messy for my liking, with boxes littered around but this isn't my place so I shouldn't make judgments.
"Are you sure? I can order a pizza or Chinese?" He's so sweet.
"If you order anything, get me some Mongolian beef." I turn away quickly to hid my smile, because food can be my weakness. "Your place is coming along." I tell him, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around myself. What am I even doing here? I should have just called Shelby.
"It's shit." He laughs. "I do nothing all day and still haven't unpacked everything. And it's messy. I wasn't really expecting you." He leans against the island in the kitchen. Such a distance between us.
"Sorry about that." I roll my eyes at my own comment. I really know how to lighten a room and make things difficult.
"Don't be sorry. My family is crazy too." He tries to make a joke and I just cross my arms over my body and look away. Commanding myself not to break down in tears. Things just get overwhelming. "Hey." I can hear his footsteps getting closer to me. I took my shoes off as soon as I entered, feeling it was improper to wear shoes in someone else's house.
When I feel his arms around me I melt a little bit. Exactly what I've needed for the moment.
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"So I'm off to bed." I lean against the bookshelf that we've spent the better part of the evening unpacking. He's got more books then I thought he would. He's an intellectual but now a days people don't have books, they have kindles. I feel like an actual library is much more impressive. Even if he hasn't read them all it's impressive that he owns them. It makes people assume that he's read them.
I've just assumed that we're staying in the same bed. I don't intend to have sex with him tonight, I'd rather not if you ask me, I'm just not up for it after this afternoon.
"I'm rather tired too." Shawn looks up from his drawing. He's been sitting on the floor for the last while, working on different things while I mindlessly flip through the channels. I wasn't really in the mood for watching tv. I wasn't really in the mood to do anything if we get technical. I've already changed into sweat pants, placed my unruly hair in a bun and lounged since I gorged myself on Mongolian beef. He still hasn't asked about dinner, but I haven't offered him anything either. Tomorrow. I'll tell him tomorrow.
I don't wait for him to finish. We used to have someone in our building that would draw and he would be outside for hours. Even if he said he was finished, he would still be up for at least another hour perfecting things and studying things.
"Why do you have such a large bed?" I ask, sitting on the edge and stretching my legs before bed.
"Why not?"
"Well it's just you." I scoot back and pull the blankets back, not even asking what side of the bed he sleeps on, just picking my own.
"Yeah, but I like to stretch out." He defends himself, taking his shirt off and pulling the blankets back.
I don't let him explain anymore as I lay down, and it's quite comfortable if I do say so myself. Must have a memory foam topper because I feel like I'm just melting into the bed. I scoot closer to him. He's been stealing kisses all night. He's really affectionate and I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy that.
He's on his back as he opens his arms for me and I snuggle into his chest, placing my hand on his chest. His tattoos are all over the place. He's gotten more, both of his arms scattered with them. Not usually something that I'd go for but they fit him.
"Why do you have all of these?" I ask tracing them with my fingers. His tattoo that he had once gotten of Camila, now covered up with black roses. No trace of her on his skin anymore.
"I would get bored." He laughs. "I don't even know, I just like art, and I always thought tattoos were fun, so I just kept getting them." He kisses the top of my forehead, like he's worried about things. Maybe worried about what I think of him, what happened with today, or just worried in general. I don't know.
"Why did you cover Camila up?" I ask. I'll just get it out there. I know he was married to her, and I know he was probably heartbroken when they divorced but life happens. But I know she was a large part of his life.
He looks away at first but I know he's not tense so I'm just patiently waiting for him to say anything. "We were toxic for each other." He almost whispers. "We were both in the lime light, and being in that spot does things to you. Makes you cling to anything. We clung to each other. It was easy at first, I messed up quite a few times, because temptation on the road is easy to give into when your significant other can't come with you. It's not an excuse, I should have resisted, but she did it too, you just didn't see it splashed about. When we married, I loved her, but I think deep down we both knew something wasn't right. I got her tattoo covered up because every time I looked at it I just felt like it was being splashed in my face about my failures."
"But the black roses?" I ask, roses always are a sign of love and appreciation. I'm sure he'll always love her, even if she isn't in his life like that but it's just odd considering they're black.
"I didn't really think much of it. I needed it covered up quickly instead of removing it. Since the ink was so dark and the outline was think, I could only use black. So the artist whipped something up and I said yes. Black roses." He explained. I guess that works. I snuggle up closer to him and throw my leg over his to try to sink in. We don't say anything after as I just drift off to sleep, silently listening to the sound of his beating heart.
