Shawn's POV
Two months later.
I take a deep breath as my plane lands with a little skip. Landings have always made me so nervous. I literally think of all these bad things that can happen. Like the front wheels snapping off and the plane flipping end on end. I tend to always think the worst.
The nerves in my stomach are like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I've sung in front of millions of people, hundreds of times but this is a feeling that I can't compete with. I haven't spoken with Nora since I left that fateful day. It's stupid. I didn't mean to shut her out but when I went home things just went insane. Doniya gave birth at thirty four weeks and thats just too soon for babies. She was sent straight to the neonatal unit, she had IV's and was put on oxygen. Doniya was shaken up over the whole experience. We all were. It turns out she had a uterine infection which caused the premature labor. Their daughter was little, only four pounds. We couldn't hold her for a week for fear of infection. She had swallowed some fluid she wasn't suppose to, so her lungs were underdeveloped. Doni and her husband Asad got to hold her earlier but the nurses and doctors were really protective.
They named her Samara, it means protected by God, a soft pleasant light. And she was protected by God. She was there under oxygen and with IV's for weeks. It was torture to see Doni so upset about it all, she had waited her whole life to be with her baby and she just wanted to take her home and be a mum and she couldn't. She had to wait even longer.
I didn't mean to ignore Nora. We couldn't really have our phones on while in the hospital, and when I went home I just wanted to sleep. I was so exhausted. I didn't mean to push her away it's just the longer I waited the harder it was to call her.
I suck at relationships.
If what we had was even considered a relationship. It was. We had something.
I sign a few autographs and pose for a few pictures as I make my way through the crowd. I just can't wait to see her and I'm sure things will be awkward. Things might not even pan out. If it's anything like I think it is, it won't work. She'll hate me for pushing her away. I don't blame her. I messed up.
I'm so nervous, I'm literally shaking. When I clasp my hands even tighter it's like my feet take over and my feet begin to tap to no beat in this taxi. I don't even want to go back to my place. I want to go to hers first. It's Sunday so I know she'll be at home. Home. It's somewhere I just want to be with her. I want to go with her everywhere, I want to fall asleep with her and wake up with her and spend every moment in between. Not normal for someone to say when they've spent the last two months ignoring someone they love. I just needed this extra time. I feel like I need to take a step back, Samara's birth really woke me up, it really showed me what is important in life. What we should be focusing on. Family, love, and life. I don't need anything else as long as I have that, everything is just a bonus.
I want a family with Nora. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me but I have to try. I can't spend my whole life knowing I just walked away from her when I probably needed her the most. I'm really good at shutting people away, at pushing until they don't push back anymore. I've always been a little selfish.
The streets start to look familiar as I sit quietly in the back, lost in my thoughts. The driver tried to start conversation but I just wasn't into it. Things look a little different here but it's only the beginning of March, snow is still covering some parts of the sidewalks, dirty snow but it shows that the season still hasn't changed. Maybe that's enough for me, maybe that's a sign that her mind hasn't changed. If anything this time apart has helped me to know that Nora is it for me.
I can hear the breaks squeak as I slightly move forward. I take a deep breath and reach into my wallet to pay the man and thank him for the ride. I open the door carefully and still just can't calm my over anxious nerves. No turning back now, that little voice in my head keeps telling me over and over again. I take the steps one at a time, I've had a million thoughts in my head and I've actually written notes on what I need to say to make sure that what I want to say gets across. I don't need to buzz in, Nora had given me the four digit code a while back and I can't seem to forget it. I think it's easier then to let her know I'm here, I know she wouldn't even let me in the building if I buzzed.
I take these steps two at a time, I just want to get there. I want to do this and prove to her that I'm here for her and that I'm finally ready to make things work between us. Once I reach the top I mess with my hair and pull my jacket down a little more. I'm just wasting time. Before I can think of it, I move my hand quickly and rasp on the door leaning back and forth on my heels to see if anyone will answer.
"Shawn?" The door opens quickly and I'm faced with Angela, Nora's mum. "What are you doing here?" She asks. She's friendly at least, for now. I've seen her get agitated rather quickly and I don't want to be on the other side of that hook.
"Um, is Nora here? Can I speak with her?" I ask, rubbing the back of my neck. The sleeves of my jacket hang down just a little bit over my hands, just one more way to hide myself. I'm doing the right thing.
"I think you need to come in." She moves to the side and I can't help but start to quicken my breath. I don't know what's coming but I don't know if I'll like it. She moves to the side and I walk in, stopping just by the living room door as she closes it quietly. I can already tell this place is different. It just feels different, the energy is different. "Here, take a seat." She gestures to the chair, I see the whole shelf of books is gone. They're just an empty skeleton. I don't know what to think of that. "Would you like anything to drink?"
"No thank you." I tell her as I pull on my jeans a little bit, rubbing my palms together to prepare myself for whatever she has to say to me.
I watch as Angela looks a little uncomfortable but sits down across from me, avoiding eye contact. "Nora isn't here anymore." She finally looks at me and I'm just confused.
"Not here?" I ask for clarification. Is she just not here in New York? Is she dead? Does she not live here anymore? What does she mean, she's not here anymore? I don't get it.
"When you left the first time Lucia had to be put in a nursing home for patients who were dealing with Alzheimer's." I had no idea, she never even told me. "It was difficult on Nora, she pushed it away and just let it fall behind her. But there is no cure for Alzheimer's as you know. The day you came back the second time and left, I don't know what happened, it's not my place to know. My daughter is an adult, we've had our differences but we've grown together recently." She moves her hands across her face as if to wipe the slate clean of some sort. At least I know that she might not hate me. "Anyway, a few days after you left the second time, Nonna died. She had a brain aneurism, she felt no pain, it was instant. But Nora spiraled." And I wasn't here. I didn't even try to help her. "She didn't want to get out of bed, she didn't want to eat. It was difficult. One day after about three weeks she just woke up, walked to a real estate agent and listed the flower shop for sale. Said she couldn't do it anymore, it reminded her too much of Nonna and Nonno." Holy shit. "It sold within the week and we talked, she wanted to travel the world, she wanted to live and heal on her own. So she did." Angela has a tight smile, I'm sure this was difficult for her as well, she lost her mum and then her daughter left after that.
"Wait. She's gone?" I ask. She's not even in the city?
"I'm sorry Shawn. This is what she's always wanted to do. Selling the shop gave her the money she needed plus some to do what she wanted. She hasn't been the same since Nonno died, she needs this." She explains to me.
"Where is she?" I'm still trying to process all of this information. Her grandmother died, she sold the flower shop, and she ran away. All in two months. And I wasn't here to support her. I was too focused on myself.
"I don't really know to be honest. She still has her same number, she just hops around a lot. I talked to her a few days ago, she was in Australia, she's already spent some time in LA, Hawaii. But I know she wants to go to New Zealand, Rio, Rome, Portugal, her list goes on and on."
"And what about you?" I ask, I've been so focused on Nora that I'm not even asking for the person in front of me.
"I'm selling this building. Mama left it to me, just like she left the flower shop to Nora. I don't know where I'm going yet, wherever the wind takes me I guess. Nora loved her grandmother so much Shawn. You have to understand, they had a special bond that no one could ever replace, I often found myself jealous of it." She laughs and continues to speak, I can't quite understand what she says, I can't believe she's gone.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" I lean forward just to make sure.
"Oh, when I named Nora I looked at the meaning behind it, it meant light, just like Lucia, their names both mean light. That's why we called her Mia Luce. It's my light in Italian.
They had a bond from the beginning."
