Sunshower

Chapter 8: Moving On

Cassia woke up, feeling a soft breath on her shoulder. She winced slightly before she realized what was going on. She looked over and saw Hoseok's face not far from her. He must have laid down beside her after he fell asleep. His nose was inline with her shoulder and she watched as he slept. She closed her eyes again and the dream of the two of them in the field of flowers seeped back through. She saw them holding hands, their fingers intertwined, walking and laughing with each other. Back in real life, however, in true Cass fashion, her need for separation hit her out of nowhere and she had to get some space between them. She quietly and quickly lifted herself from the bed and walked out of the room toward the kitchen.

She filled the electric kettle with water and turned it on. A cup of hot tea sounded good for her nerves. As she stood waiting on the water she thought of Hoseok down the hall in her bed. A sharp, deep pain flared inside her chest, and almost took her breath away. She leaned over and placed her hands on the edge of the counter, trying to gain control of her emotions. She knew that she was far too attached, and she cursed herself for it. The fact that he made her feel safe was not even the only thing about him anymore - she was starting to feel attracted to him, to his personality, and how he wanted to take care of her. She felt something stir in her heart - something she had not felt in a very long time. She could feel it - and she knew it was there in the back of her mind, but she refused to admit to herself that she was falling for him.

"Here you are?" a voice said out of the darkness of the main room. Cassia jumped, spun around, and found herself staring at the one person she was just thinking of. Her breathing became rapid, but she was pretty sure it wasn't only because he startled her.

The look on her face cued him to stand back and give her space. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves.

"Would you like some hot tea?" she asked him quietly. He nodded and she placed another cup on the table just as the water started to boil. She placed one bag of peppermint tea into each cup and poured the boiling water over them. Once she sat the kettle back on its base, she took a seat at the table and motioned for him to join her. He did so and took the hot mug in his hands, pulling it closer to him. He hadn't looked up at Cassia at all, though she stared at him, wondering what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry. I had every intention to leave once you fell asleep. I didn't mean to fall asleep next to you." He looked up in her direction, but averted her gaze.

"I know," Cassia heard herself say. "I know you wou-." She found herself trying to protect his feelings. She stopped short of what she had planned to say. "It's fine. I just needed some space." He nodded and took a sip of tea.

"You are not attracted to him. Stop being an idiot. You feel safe with him and that is as far as this relationship is going to go."

"You're leaving soon, aren't you?" Hoseok's voice sounded flat with a certain sadness to it, but he did his best to control it. Cassia nodded her head.

"Are you going to be ok?" She knew he was asking if she would be ok without him, but she didn't give in.

"Of course. I'll be fine. I have been alone for 18 years. What makes you think I can't do it now?" She looked at him almost amused; almost challenging him to admit that he wanted her to need him.

"Well, I just thought...,"Hoseok started, but then changed his train of thought as well. "Do you know where you're going to go?" He still sounded disappointed. Cassia felt bad for treating him harshly.

"Look, Hoseok. Of course I would like to stay in one place, and I will miss the comfort and feeling of safety that you bring me. But I have to go on. I need to figure out what I'm doing. I need to know what my purpose is. Surly it wasn't just to live and die a miserable life." She took a sip of tea and closed her eyes.

"Where are you going to go?" Hoseok asked. She shrugged her shoulders.

"How far can a train get me? How would you go about finding someone in Korea if I decided to fly?"

"Are you going to look for your father?" She nodded to confirm his suspicions and he continued. "I don't mean to sound harsh, but are you sure you're mentally prepared for that? You told me just yesterday you were hurt by the abandonment." She looked at him, somewhat hurt by his words. She was fine mentally, or so she told herself. She began to think about all the hurt she had felt over the years; every time it rained, every time she saw a train, every time her mother passed out, every time she breathed. It was then she realized she was nowhere near mentally prepared to find her father. Hoseok noticed her concentrated look and imagined she was thinking of her dad. He knew his next question may upset her, but he had to ask. For some unseen reason, he needed to know she was going to be safe.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever considered going to see a therapist regarding the neglect you went through - the neglect you are going through? I know it bothers you. I can tell by the way you talk about them. Neglect can also be what is causing your nightmares." Cassia looked up at him, alarmed, but then remembered he still didn't know the complete truth.

"I know a good therapist in Korea - if you find yourself there. I could go with you if you want. I know my opinion probably doesn't count for anything, but I really think you should talk to one before you go so far to find your dad. I don't want you to be hurt more."

"You are probably right. He probably has another family by now. They are probably all living a wonderful life. That would hurt to know that he could live wonderfully while he left me to live the life he left me with. I just don't understand why. I need to understand why. I don't even care if he doesn't want anything to do with me. I just need to understand why he would leave me with her knowing how she was." Cassia was talking more to herself now than to Hoseok, but Hoseok sat quietly listening to her. She dabbed the corners of her eyes with her sleeves and took another deep breath. She looked up at Hoseok and put on a fake smile.

"So are you guys about finished filming whatever it is you are filming?" Hoseok nodded. We have probably another two weeks, then we should be finished. Unless they need us to redo anything." She laid her head down on the table, but still looked at him.

"What kind of show is this? Is it like a reality show in the states?"

"Yes, sort of. We pick a place we want to visit and then we go there. We basically just spend time together as a group. No working on music - at least not intensely - just spending time with the guys. It was NamJoon's idea to begin with. The first couple of years we were together were really rough. People told us we would ---," He happened to look up to see her eyes closed and her breathing even. He smiled to himself. "Wow! She just fell asleep on me," he thought to himself. He stood up, leaving their tea mugs where they sat on the table. He walked over to her and waved his hand in front of her face. She didn't even flinch. He realized she must have fallen into a pretty peaceful sleep.

He moved around to the other side of her chair and picked her up in his arms. She stirred as he picked her up, but leaned into him as he lifted her to his chest. She took a deep breath in her sleep and when she released the breath it quivered as if she had been crying. Hoseok noticed her uneasiness as he carried her to her bed. He laid her down and covered her again with the blankets on the bed. He leaned over and touched her cheek, admiring the beauty he saw in her. He remembered how difficult she seemed, how stubborn she was, but he also knew it was likely just a wall she had built around herself for protection. She didn't want to get hurt again, so she acted the way she did so no one would want to stay around her. Too bad for her he usually saw the best in people.

He was scared to admit it, but he was attracted to her - as more than just protection. He saw a beauty within her that he hadn't seen in any other person before. She already had so much she was going through, however, and he didn't want to be another burden she had to deal with.

Her breathing was still even, so thinking she was still asleep he leaned down and kissed her forehead very lightly. He barely even felt her skin on his lips. He stood up and sighed as he looked at her. After a few more seconds, he turned toward the door so that he could go on back to his bed. He didn't want to make another mistake. But just as he turned to go he felt a hand on his. It was Cassia's hand and she was grasping his hand tightly.