Only the Moon Watching

Chapter 25: Should I Believe Him?

Jos,

I practiced what I was going to say to you for days and then when I saw you I was so nervous I couldn't spit any of it out. I put my foot in my mouth so hard I can still feel it. I fucking deep-throated it!

I'm sorry. I kept thinking you wouldn't really be in there, not really. Of course the judge would let you out. Is picking up a couple boxes of fireworks really a felony? It's not hurting anyone, is it? You didn't really do anything wrong!

But I should have never let you do it. I heard this thing about adrenaline – if you do something crazy with a girl it can make her fall for you. When we went cliff diving I thought that would do it. Or sneaking up the rocks to see the meteor shower, when I almost got stuck. And the time we almost got T-boned and I saw my life flash before my eyes – I didn't tell you but I think I saw the future, too, and I wanted you in it.

I thought all those things would suddenly make things between us romantic. I should have just asked you how you were feeling about me but I couldn't spit it out so I kept trying to think of new ways to get your heart racing. To get you to feel as nervous and head-rushy as I did so you might slip and say you liked me and then take it back real fast cuz you didn't want to ruin our friendship but then I'd say, "It's ok if you do like me, I like you the same way."

If I'd said just said that instead of suggesting we go after the fireworks... We didn't even need the whole lot! I could have taken one, taken you down to the lake and set it off. Fuck! I just wanted to kiss you under it, we didn't need the whole truck.

I'm so sorry Jos. Sorry I ruined things between us but it's even more fucked up that I've ruined things for you beyond that. My mom says it'll hurt your job prospects, college... But I'm sure you've already thought of all that.

When we almost got hit I saw my future with you in it and now I don't know how much of a future you have at all. If there's anything I can do to fix things for you I would. I'm at such a fucking loss.

All I can say is I can't believe I let myself be so stupid to you but it's only because I'm stupid in love with you. I know I fucked up but I'll spend a lot longer than six months trying to fix it. I'm in my own kind of prison without you next to me. I'll do anything to fix us, just tell me what I need to do. Please. I love you.

Mike