Only the Moon Watching

Chapter 47: Vapor Leaves Forever

At her going away party, Vapor reminds us she had only one vice:

"Some people make fan pages for Harry Styles or harajuku or the Slytherin aesthetic – my whole Tumblr was devoted to crack. I never felt prettier than when my eyes were dilated. I never felt smarter than when my mind was racing sixty miles a minute.

"I felt love at first sight twice – once when I took my first pull on a crack pipe and then when I had my baby. Difference is, every day that I think about her my love for my baby grows. Crack never gives you the same high twice. It's so strong at first, so mushy and happy and bright and clear and pure – it's the happy buzz of weed mixed with the precision of cocaine – at first. Then the next time it's paranoia, sluggishness, fear, fog. You do a little more to get little higher – you want it worse when you come down, even though this time it made you feel like shit. It's like a bad relationship: you want it bad, you want it even when it hurts.

"My ex and I used to not be able to fuck at his mom's house but he hated doing car stuff. He'd say, 'Baby I just want to do you right. I want you in a bed, I want us to be comfortable,' and then I'd say I needed him, I'd tell him I need him so much and he'd say, 'Alright, I guess I could do you wrong, too." He meant it flirty. He was good for me, but crack never was. Crack just does you dirty every time, even the first time, when you think it just saved your life.

"If it wasn't for crack I wouldn't have my baby. But if it wasn't for jail, I wouldn't know exactly how unwilling I am to lose her again. When I got in here, at first it was hell. I hated all of you, for no good reason other than the fact I had to look at your ugly faces every day instead of my kid's. But now I feel actual love for you. The kind of love crack simulates, but this time I know it's for real. I wanna toast to my sobriety, to my family – both you guys, and my baby at home – and here's to never seeing the inside of this shit hole ever-a-fucking-gain!"

We assemble on the basketball courts. There's no Pruno, or coffee, or snacks ("Sugar is the worst addiction," as Vapor always says) but Needler and Tangler draw a banner in red pen – Vapor's name made of flash tattoo-style flowers and pin-up girls; the inmate who makes origami flowers sends some the size of my fist, though she doesn't make an appearance; and Ripper writes a going away speech that sounds more like an obituary.

While Vapor shows everyone baby photos and Ripper makes increasingly graphic toasts to pregnancy and childbirth ("And here's to cutting into the abdomen! C-section! Pulling a baby out by its shoulders!" "Here's to the ep-eezy-otomy! Snip between the butthole and the vagina! Pull the baby out by the head!" "Here's to cutting the umbly-ill-oh-cole cord with a pair of scissors that sound like shhhhhhnrt!") Shiv pulls me aside to talk about our plan:

"Ok, Vapor'll be out this evening. She's got the baby daddy picking her up, he has a car. You give her Mike's info – his address, phone number if you remember it – she'll pay him a visit. Not like Kristina Kelly did – just to talk to him."

"He needs to bring in a bottle of ADHD medication," I add.

"Just one bottle," says Shiv. "That's all to start. Easy peasy. He brings it to you when you talk. Well, he brings it to Chet's guard. The guard's get searched every morning. Mike'll visit in the afternoon. Chet's guard'll be in charge of the search then, he can confiscate the pills and run them to Steak."

"But what if Girdle's in charge of visitation that day? She was running them last time he visited..."

"Chet's guard visits and flirts with her, then. Like he always does!"

"Cut the – cut the baby out with scissors!" Ripper squeals. "Pull the baby out with forceps!"

"And Mike doesn't get caught?" I ask.

Shiv raises a pale eyebrow, and gestures for us to return to the party. "Don't we want him to?"

I balk.

"I mean, eventually! I'm kidding Jos, if he's caught during visitation the drugs get confiscated. I want him to be punished for ditching you, sure, but more than that I want Steak to get his drugs. Trust me, Bonnie. The next time we're at a party it'll be celebrating your relationship. He really will fall in love with you for this. It's just about the sweetest gesture you can make in jail."

"Vapor!"

I pull her aside after dinner. I didn't want to interrupt her celebration with my own drama, but Garda Girdle will be coming to collect her any minute now. She didn't eat, too excited, and she's got her things packed in a Ziplock bag already.

"Jos! Did you want to inherit something?" She offers the Ziplock. Inside is a half-used pack of floss, a tube of exploded toothpaste, some hair products. "I cleared out my room but I don't need to take any of this with me. I bequeath you..." she rummages through the toiletries. "Would you like a floss pick or a quarter bar of soap?"

"Nothing for me, thank you. I was wondering if I could give you this?"
I wrote Mike's number on a scrap of paper for her.

"Shiv told me you have a new operation–"

"No," I say. "It's nothing big. It's a one time thing to hold someone over until the new doc figures out his shit. It's an emergency run, that's all."

"D'you promise? Because I'm not about to get involved–"

"Here." I have another piece of paper for her. On her way out, she'll pass the trustees. "Can you get this to Steak? You can read it first, as proof. One time mission," I reassure her again.

Mike's on it. We're looking out for you xx

"Shiv told me to add the x's. I guess they mean kisses. I don't normally use them, so if the note gets confiscated it won't seem like it came from me. I tried to think of a way to get around using Mike's name, too, but..." I shake my head. "I think I'm overthinking things. Just get this to Steak so he knows we're working on something. He must be feeling terrible."

Vapor stares at me with her eerily pale white-blue eyes. "On a scale from crackhead love to new baby this is the real shit," she says. "Outside relationships buckle when someone gets sick, or you have to make a sacrifice, or do something outside your comfort zone. If you'd smuggle drugs for Steak, you're like, really married."

"It's not like that," I blush. "I'd do it for any of you, in here. For Shiv, for Needles, for..." I guess I don't mean it, but I say, "...Ripper?"

Vapor laughs, seeing right through me. "Alright hypothetically. But you are doing it for Steak. You're risking adding a LOT of time to your sentence."

I shrug. "But every day without his meds must feel like an eternity. I can't have peace of mind if he's hurting."

Garda Girdle comes to collect Vapor, who gives me one last searching look before she leaves. She tucks my note and Mike's number into the waistband of her pants, and holds her toiletry Ziplock under her arm as she walks.

I watch her until Chet intercepts them in the hall, blocking my line of sight. He gestures for me to follow him, into the blindspot where I was choked by Kristina Kelly, where he says, "Got another note:"