Only the Moon Watching

Chapter 39: He Won't Tell Me

With Shiv gone, I hope to spend the whole evening talking the bowl with Steak.

We get four flushes an hour, now I can use all of them for myself... I don't drink anything at dinner, so I won't have to pee, and then I hurry back to my room to revel in the peace and quiet, and wait for that first heart-stirring flush.

But apparently, he still isn't speaking to me.

No one ever knocks. I can hear footsteps above me, boys' laughter, movement. But no letters come down the bowl. I think about knocking first, calling up and asking what's the hold up, but I don't want to admit I've noticed his absence. It's only been two nights! Shouldn't I be too cool and busy to care?

(It's really hard to seem mysterious and aloof when you're in jail.)

Day three I pass trustees in the hallway on my way to the library and I can barely make eye contact. None of them are Steak, but I wonder if they've heard we haven't spoken for three days. Chet whistles at me to get my attention and tells me to tell Tangler he's got a message coming for her, tonight.

In the library, I find the torn in-half copy of Cats Cradle and pour over my notes from Steak. Was there any indication in his letters that he was getting bored of me? Why would he say he liked me, and not to worry about Kristina Kelly, and then go silent on me for three whole days?

("I just like you, in a way I'm certain about. Like when the cops showed up at my door and I got that sinking feeling in my stomach like, "fuck, this is it. They found me." Except this time I found you and it's good...")

"Jos!"

Steak?

He pushes a mop down the aisle, grinning at me like nothing's wrong.

"What's the matter? Your spoons get confiscated when Shiv went to Ad-Seg?"

"What?"

"You haven't written me back yet!"

"I haven't gotten anything from you in–"

"Shit."

Another trustee scoots past us with a rag and half-heartedly begins dusting a pile of magazines from 2007. Steak lowers his voice.

"I had to run to commissary that night, I asked Chet to mail my letter for me. He must've forgotten. I'll ask him about it– I'm so sorry."
The trustee with the magazines sneezes. My eyes well up too, and I try to play it off like I'm also allergic to dust. I wipe my nose and say, "It's fine, no worries. I've had a lot going on, worrying about Shiv and all. You don't have anything to apologize for!"

"It must be crazy down here without your cellie when you've got a new mortal enemy." Steak raises a concerned eyebrow.

"Just because Kristina Kelly and I both –" dated you? "–messaged you, doesn't mean we have to be sworn enemies! Girls don't have to be like that–!"

"In the real world, totally true. But this is jail, Jos. You're all in here because you're 'not like other girls' to begin with – you're criminals."

"Excuse me!"

"'It's true! And Kristina Kelly did more damage than you. I'm just saying, watch your back. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Let me know when you get my letter ok? It's urgent."

"Well tell me here then–"

The other trustee sneezes again. Steak looks at me imploringly, takes my hand, and says, "I can't."