Only the Moon Watching

Chapter 38: I Watch Her Get Dragged Away

I don't have to be the one to break the news to Steak, thankfully. By the time his letter comes back after dinner, it's prefaced with an apology for Kristina Kelly:

I never thought I'd have two girls fighting over me and I've gotta admit, it's not as hot as it sounds. Actually, it's made me really worried.

I hope you haven't felt the same, though. You have nothing to worry about with me and Kristina Kelly. I don't know if you're the jealous type, or if you get insecure about where we stand (I'm here for you, always! Mostly because I'm not legally allowed to leave!) but I want you to know she and I are ancient history and I'm not saying that to be a douche and remind you we used to date. I really sincerely hope you understand you don't have to worry about me and her. Maybe you wouldn't, outside of jail, but I know that emotions get really raw in here and if there's any chance you're worrying about it – you really shouldn't.

Also, don't worry if I like you only because you're always wearing my favorite color (it's orange! how'd you know exactly what I like??) or because we live in such close proximity that you can hear me get up to pee every night at 4. I just like you, in a way I'm certain about. Like when the cops showed up at my door and I got that sinking feeling in my stomach like, "fuck, this is it. They found me." Except this time I found you and it's good.

I don't want anything to change between us. I don't want it to be weird, now that I've poured out my Pruno-induced feelings to him, and I don't want Kristina Kelly to somehow steal him away – even though he's promised me she couldn't.

I write back to Steak immediately, downplaying her arrival and trying to get us back into one of our cheesy, light hearted, would you rather be in the Triwizard Cup or the Hunger Games kind of conversations.

He doesn't write back for three days.

Day one without Steak I haven't noticed it's happened yet. Shiv wakes up earlier than normal and practices making intimidating faces into the shiny-backside of the toilet bowl. She glares so hard at Kristina Kelly and Grifta in the cafeteria that by the end of the day she's begging Garda Girdle to take her to commissary to get some Advil, because she's got an eye-strain headache.

I'm busy dealing with a crisis of my own: Steak had warned me I needed to hide my kites, because Shiv had already stolen the one from Mike, and Girdle or Grifta or anyone else might get curious and come snooping around for the rest... Now that Kristina Kelly is back, I know our love notes (I mean: notes) aren't safe in my room. While Shiv's in the commissary, I stuff all my kites from Steak down my pants and hold them close to me as I hurry to the library. I hide them inside a battered copy of Cat's Cradle – because I'm pretty sure Steak's the only inmate who's ever read it – and then I tuck it between two copies of Jane Austen on the bottom-most shelf.

In the hallway, I meet Shiv, but I lie to her about what I was doing.

I expect there'll be a message on the bowl when we get back to our room, but the pipes are totally silent.

"Glad he isn't clanging on the thing but you must miss him, don't you?" asks Shiv, a cold compress (made of an old sweat sock) pressed against her head.

I shrug. "He's probably just crafting a thoughtful reply, he's taken a few days getting back to me before."

There'll be a message in the morning, I promise myself. I'm sure of it...

But day two I wake up to the sound of a whistle, with Garda Girdle standing over us, demanding a search of our room.

"Out of bed, hands in the air where I can see them!"

I glance at Shiv, who's face has gone as white as her teeth.

"What's the matter, Sergeant?" Shiv asks fake-sweetly.

"Got a tip-off you girls have contraband." Girdle hitches her belt up her waspishly-thin waist and kicks my pillow off my bed. "Gonna have to strip everything," she says, peeling off the pillow case, shaking out my blankets, and throwing everything into a pile in the middle of the room.

She upends my mattress, checking the space between it and the wall for smuggled notes. (I start shaking too, with relief, so glad Steak warned me to hide our kites in the library – I would die of embarrassment if Girdle got her hands on them!) Shiv isn't so lucky. Girdle tears apart her bedding next, then hunches under our table and tears through the trash.

"Well, look what I've found."

"No, please!"
Garda Girdle holds up the Pruno and Shiv starts crying, like it really is her baby.

"Is this yours, inmate?" Girdle asks me.

"I – it's – I don't know if – it's not – I mean –"

I don't have a lie prepared but I know better than to sell out Shiv. Should I feign total innocence? Pretend like I don't even know what Pruno is?

Shiv's frustrated tears are a dead giveaway. (It's a little strange to me that she hasn't prepared for this – wouldn't she have practiced? Shouldn't she be able to hide her emotions better than this?)
Girdle tosses the bag into the toilet, where it explodes like a water balloon.

"No!" Shiv yelps, as days of effort disappears down the drain with a gurgle.

"It's yours, then." Girdle says, sneering at Shiv. "Enjoy Ad-Seg."

Girdle calls for another guard on her walkie-talkie and Shiv is frog-marched from the room.

"Let's see if you'll be joining her." Girdle continues searching: tapping on the cinderblock walls, looking for hidey holes... getting on her hands and knees and checking under the beds... In the crevice between bed frame and wall, usually hidden by my pillow, she finds my bag of fake puke and recoils, demanding I flush it while she looks in the other direction.

"Is that Pruno, too, inmate?" she asks, looking queasy.

"It's puke, but–" I start to explain, but Garda Girdle retches and doesn't let me finish.

"Stop. That's more than enough, I don't need to hear–"

"Am I going to Ad-Seg too?"
"Do you need to go to the infirmary?" she asks. "Why did you puke into a bag and not the –"

Toilet. Garda Girdle redoubles her search for my letters again. I know that's what she's looking for: kites, gifts, tokens of affection from Steak... Kristina Kelly must have put her up to this, it was just a bonus that she found Pruno on Shiv.

"Use your time alone to think about what a bad influence she is," Garda Girdle instructs, standing in the doorway after her search. "You don't want to get time added to your sentence."