personal best || harry styles au

one

2019
Harry thought he saw Maddie.
It was just a split second flash of brown hair in his peripheral vision but Harry's heart started to race and his breath got caught in his throat. He held up his hand as if to say he needed five minutes, put down his guitar and quickly hurried off the stage; his head jerked left and right to try and track down the mysterious figure.
"Hey!" He saw them standing at a notice board, their fingers skimmed across some of the pages stuck onto it as Harry urged his feet to run faster than they already were. "Hey!" The stranger turned around and Harry's heart sank as he noticed she didn't look like Maddie at all - her eyes were green, her jawline was the wrong shape and her cupid's bow wasn't prominent enough. Harry looked at the badge around her neck.
EMILY: TRAINEE LIGHT TECHNICIAN
"Is everything okay?"
"'m sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Emily gave Harry a sheepish smile before hurrying off down one of the corridors. He tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as he headed back towards the stage. His mind kept replaying the last few minutes in his head but, this time, there was no warped version of Maddie, only the real one.
***
The backstage area was buzzing with adrenaline as Harry and the rest of his band bundled off the stage and into the large room - fully stocked with a buffet table, flowers and fizzing glasses of champagne. The staff welcomed them into the room with a large round of applause which made Harry's cheeks blush brighter than the roses that adorned the countertops. He held his hands together and mouthed 'thank you' to the various people in the room, making sure he'd addressed each one of them.
"Speech!" Ru, Harry's guitarist, thrusted a glass of bubbly into Harry's hand, "Speech!"
The room fell silent as they waited for Harry to start talking.
"Oh- right, okay. Thanks, Ru." He cleared his throat and used his free hand to push the hair from out of his eyes as everyone else let out a short laugh, "Uh, I'd just like t'say thanks. Thanks to everyone for their incredible, incredible hard work." Harry's ring-clad hand fell against his chest, "'m so grateful for each of you, you've made this tour so special and memorable for me. Thank you."
As the room filled with cheers and laughter, Harry couldn't help but feel deflated as he necked back the glass of fizz in his hand. He snuck out into the empty hallway, closed his eyes and counted back from ten. Before he could reach zero, he felt a hand on his shoulder followed by a reassuring squeeze.
"Everything alright, mate?"
"Yeah, 'm fine, thanks."
"You sure?" Ru gulped down the last of his champagne, "You've not been right since rehearsals."
"Ru, I need to tell ya something." Harry glanced up at Ru's tightly fixed gaze, "'ve not told any-"
"-Harry!" Before Harry had the chance to finish his sentence, his attention was turned to Tammy - his on-again/off-again FWB, as she liked to call it.. She draped her arms around his shoulders and reached up onto her tiptoes to place a soft peck against his lips. "You were so good up there, baby. So sexy." Tammy trailed her long red nails down the concave of Harry's chest, "I've got a car waiting out back, if you're coming?"
Harry turned back to Ru but he had already made himself scarce.
***
Tammy hopped out of bed, slipped into her silk dressing gown and tied a knot so loose that it barely pulled the two sides of material together. She pulled open her bedside table and grabbed out an open packet of cigarettes, puffing on the end of one whilst it lit before blowing out a big cloud of grey smoke into the air. "Want one?" She held out the cigarette to Harry but he shook his head, politely declining.
"Don't like the taste."
"You're too innocent, Harry." Tammy poured herself a drink from her decanter, "Want a drink instead?"
"'m fine, thanks."
Tammy gulped down the drink in one quick swallow and swanned out of the room, puffing away on her cigarette. Harry grabbed his phone from the bedside table and drafted up a text to Ru.
HARRY
Any post-show drinks happening?

RU
We're all at Katie's!

HARRY
Be there in 10.
Harry got up quickly and started to put his clothes back on when Tammy hurried back into the room with the burning cigarette whittling down to ash between her two fingers.
"Where are you going?"
"'m just going for a few drinks with some of the band."
"Well, wait for me." Tammy stubbed out her cigarette and grabbed hold of Harry's arm, trying to lace her fingers between his. "I'll come with you."
"No, Tam-"
"-no? What do you mean 'no'? I'm your girlfriend, Harry."
"Well, you're not, Tam." Harry shook his arm free from her grasp, "We both know what this is, you've made that very cl-"
"-you're a real piece of shit, do you know that? A real piece of shit with serious commitment issues. Do you know what everyone says about you?" She paused, her finger tapped the cigarette end to remove the smoky ash as she waited for Harry to reply. He didn't. "A womaniser." Her words were laced with venom, "That's what they all call you, and it's true. You've never had a serious relationship. Only flings. These girls, these poor girls, give you what they want, you take it and then you move onto the next sucker. Pun intended."
"I'll see you later, Tam."
"Go fuck yourself, Styles."
***
A large cheer erupted from Katie's living room as Harry walked in.
"He made it!" Ru shouted above the noise, jogging over towards Harry with an unopened bottle in his hands, "This, my good friend, is for you." He slipped a bottle opener from out of his back pocket, "How did Tammy take the hit of you leaving?"
"Uh, it was alright." Harry cracked off the bottle cap and took a long swig, "This time, she went for the more 'I'm a heartless womanising prick' approach as opposed to the usual 'selfish, arrogant bastard'."
"You gotta stop going back there, man." Ru wrapped his arm around Harry's shoulder, "Looks aren't everything. I mean, yeah, okay, she's a supermodel. Yeah, so, maybe her family invented Monopoly - or whatever - but there's more to a relationship."
"Ru, this isn't a relationship. She's the one that made it clear, it's just physical." Harry took another swig from his bottle, "But then, sometimes, I just think... am I a dick? Like, is it wrong of me to not want an emotional relationship?"
"No, not at all." Ru led Harry into the kitchen, "Harry, you're like the biggest face in the game right now. If you want to enjoy yourself and not settle down, enjoy yourself. What were you trying to tell me earlier, anyway? In the hallway?"
"Oh." Harry felt far too sober to continue the conversation, "Don't worry."
***
Harry was unaware of how much alcohol he'd consumed in the last two hours but, what he did know, was that it was too much. His eyes couldn't focus on the long text messages Tammy had been bombarding him with and his head kept lolling back and forth as he looked around the room. Somehow, he managed to fumble his way out onto the terrace, grateful for the cold air that washed over him.
It was the first time in a while Harry had thought he'd seen Maddie and, truthfully, he forgot how much it hurt; he forgot how much his heart could lurch and his stomach drop at the thought of seeing her again.
"You looked like a real rockstar up there tonight, Harry."
Harry's eyes narrowed as he looked around the terrace, trying to locate where the voice had come from. He saw a girl sitting on a bench in the corner, she blew out a large cloud of suspiciously smelling smoke as she got up and moved closer to Harry.
"How does it feel? Your second World Tour, done?"
"Yeah- yeah, feels good." Harry's eyes focused on the girl's bright pink - almost luminous - hair, "How do you feel?"
"...about your tour?"
"'m not sure, if 'm honest." He hiccuped, "I've had too many vodkas to think straight."
"Here," the girl leant forward enough that Harry could smell her musky perfume, "have a toke of this."
Harry took hold of the joint, studying it with glazed-over eyes. He brought it to his mouth and took a deep inhale - trying his hardest to hold the smoke in without breaking out into a coughing fit. His breath shuddered as he blew out but he felt good. His head felt like a broken up jigsaw puzzle but he felt good.
By the time Ru had found Harry, he'd had more puffs that he could remember and his legs felt like jelly.
"Christ, H, check out those pupils." Ru lifted Harry up onto his feet, "C'mon, let's get you home."
***
Harry had lost count of the number of expletives that had left Ru's mouth on the way home, all he could remember was that it would definitely fill several swear jars.
"H, you weigh a tonne." Ru held Harry up against the wall as he clumsily tried to open the front door, "I've definitely pulled something whilst I've been baby-sitting you. My back is killing me."
"Jus' get ya chiropractor t'send me a bill, Ru."
Ru shut the door behind him and plonked Harry down onto the piano stool. Harry opened the lid and started pressing down on random keys, singing out lyrics and making them fit into the tune.
"If my mother could see you now, Harry, she'd be cringing hard."
"Why? 'm great with mums."
"She's a piano teacher. Teaches all the kids in Hastings."
"'s nice, Ru." Harry stopped playing, "What about ya dad?"
"He's retired now but he was a lawyer."
"You went down the musical route, then?"
"Yeah." Ru called out from the kitchen, "My sister did the more 'booky' route."
"Didn't know you 'ad a sister?"
"Yeah." Ru put down a glass of water next to Harry, "Maddie. She owns a bookstore in our town."
No way, no fucking way, Harry thought. Would Ru find it weird if Harry asked to see a picture? Would he start questioning why Harry was suddenly interested in his sister? Could there even be a way of Harry asking for more information without raising suspicion? It turns out Harry didn't have to worry about what to say to Ru because his body decided that vomit would replace any words he tried to blurt out.
"Oh, shit." Ru jumped backwards, "Bloody hell, H."
"'m sorry, 'm really sorry." Harry wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, "Really sorry."
"Can you stand up for- oh fuck, it's all in the piano keys."
***
Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz.
Harry's entire body groaned as he reached his hand out of the duvet to stop the incessant noise coming from his phone. He wasn't sure of the time but it felt too early for anyone to be calling him. His eyes took a second to adjust to the numerous alerts on his screen.
8 MISSED CALLS FROM TAMMY
Harry shut his eyes and fell back against his pillow. Maddie. His eyes sprang open as he grabbed back hold of his phone; his thumbs danced around the side of the keypad as he contemplated what to type into Google. Maddie Book Shop Hastings, seemed enough. He pressed enter and quickly scanned across the various search results, clicking on one that caught his eye.
"Oh, good! You're up!"
Harry let out a startled shout as he threw his phone down, "Fucking. Hell. Ru!" He clamped a hand to his chest and let out steady breaths, "Why are you here?"
"To make sure you didn't die?"
"What?"
"You could've been sick in your sleep and choked to death, H. You're welcome."
"Well- thanks- thanks, man."
"What're you doing on your phone, anyway?"
Ru picked up the phone before Harry had a chance to react, his eyes flicked over the screen and his thumb scrolled down the page.
"Ru, 's not- I can-"
"-why are you looking up my sister, you weirdo?" Ru tossed the phone back to Harry, "If you wanted to see a picture, just ask. No need to Goo-"
"-can I?"
"Uh- sure." Ru slipped his own phone from out of his pocket, "Feels a little weird, but then it was only last night I was cleaning vomit off your floor, so what's a little stalking of my sister's socials?"
Harry's stomach dropped as soon as he saw the photo. It was her.
"Christ, Harry, ya look like you've seen a ghost."
"Fuck, Ru. I need- I've gotta tell you something."
"What?" Ru laughed, "Please don't tell me you've slept with my sister." The room fell silent and Ru spoke again, this time with a more serious tone. "Please don't tell me you've slept with my sister."
"It- it was a long time ago, I didn't-"
"-are you fucking joking?"
"Listen, I- it was about five years ago and-"
"-what?" Ru stepped back, his eyebrows pulled tighter, "Five years ago?"
"Yeah, I- I met her on a plane back to London and we- we just clicked. She gave me her number, she- uh- she came back to my place and then the next morning she was gone. I went to phone her but I- the bit of paper she'd left her number on, it- it disappeared."
"But you did want to phone her?"
"Christ, Ru." Harry threw his hands down against the duvet, "I tried to do everything to find her but all I had was- was her name. I'm not Sherlock bloody Holmes, I couldn't do anything with just a name."
Ru was silent for a while, so was Harry. The only sound that could be heard was the occasional buzzing of Harry's phone and the gurgle of his tummy after not eating for longer than he could remember. Ru got his phone out of his pocket, drafted up a text, deleted it and repeated this routine several times before putting his phone away and perching on the edge of Harry's dresser.
"Look, I didn't- she didn't tell me."
Harry felt a sting of hurt.
"When I told my family that I'd got the job with you, she- they were all so happy for me. She didn't- Maddie didn't say anything. Just congratulations." Ru stopped, "There is- there's something you should know. Maddie-"
Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz.
"-maybe you should answer? It seems like an emergency."
"No, 's fine."
"Look, I'll wait outside."
Harry picked up his phone, forcing a polite tone to leave his lips. "Hey, Tam. What's up?" He could hear Tammy's breathing over the phone, realising that she was calling during her daily yoga hour. "Isn't calling someone during a yoga session contradicting the point of a yoga session?"
"Knowing that you're still alive after a night out gives me mental clarity and calmness - one of yoga's intended goals."
"It wasn't a 'night out', it was some drinks at a friend's house."
"You drunk-texted me."
"No, I didn't." Harry minimised the call screen and quickly opened up his texts, clicking on Tammy's name to see if there was any evidence to back up her claims. There wasn't. "You're winding me up."
"Believed me, though."
"What's up then, Tam? Seventeen missed calls is a new record for you."
"Just checking you're still coming to the charity event tonight. Something about poverty or whatever."
"Great levels of compassion, Tam." Harry's eyes flicked back to the thought of Maddie. In all the different career scenarios he'd imagined her in, he never thought the answer would be owning a bookshop. "I can't tonight."
"Why?"
"Just got somewhere else to be."
"Are you joking?"
Harry zoned out as Tammy blew a tantrum. He wasn't listening to the sentences she was spilling out but he could make out a few individual words. Selfish. Bastard. Ungrateful. Prick. Harry clicked off the call, swung his legs out of the bed and drummed his fingers against the mattress.
"Right," Ru burst back in, "I've booked you a room at Sandcastle Cottage."
"Wha-"
"-the owner, Carmel, is a real-life angel. You'll love her."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Harry stood up, "What? Who?"
"Sandcastle Cottage. It's the best B&B in Hastings; Carmel's the owner and she is the best." Ru opened up the wardrobe and started to pull out a few t-shirts, "Shouldn't take us too long if we leave soon." Harry's feet were glued to the spot as Ru continued to pull out a few more garments from the wardrobe, "Let's get moving, H. Come on!"
***
Harry had been at Sandcastle Cottage for a total of thirty minutes and, already, he'd felt like he'd been there for years. The owner, Carmel, had greeted Harry and Ru in a long, floral muumuu and a tray of tea and homemade biscuits before sitting them down in the reception area and giving them a rundown of any recent Hastings gossip. Carmel was an Irish woman in her late 60s with long scraggly greying hair and an obsession with large, garish pieces of jewellery. Harry had also noticed that Carmel had mentioned several times how much she loved talking and how if more people spoke to one another, the world would be a better place.
"Look, boys, I'm telling you I know what I saw." Carmel pointed a huge amber ring-adorned finger at the window, "Two dozen seagulls murmurating. The people call me a liar, tell me 'gulls don't murmur, Carmel' but I swear it - on me own mother's grave - I know what I saw. Gulls."
"I bet it was quite a feat, Carm."
"It was! I tried to take a picture, Ru - for evidence - because I knew, I just knew the people wouldn't believe me."
"And, did you?"
"No, dear." Carmel sipped her tea, "Ended up taking a selfie." Harry bit down on his bottom lip to stop a laugh from escaping his lips. Carmel put down her cup, turning her gaze to Harry, "What brings you here then, pet? All Ru said on the phone was that you needed the room."
"Oh, I just- just fancied a holiday."
"No, no, I don't buy it."
"What?"
"I can see it in your eyes." Carmel reached forward and put her hand on top of Harry's, "It's a person."
Ru laughed, "Carm, stop with the psychic stuff." He started to pile up the empty cups, "You'll scare him off." He ambled out of the room, whistling a tune as he went.
"I'm just telling it how I see it, my darling."
"What- what do you see?"
"Your eyes are sad." Carmel reached up and placed her palm against Harry's cheek, "Is it someone special?"
"Harry, Maddie just-"
"Maddie?"
"Maddie."
"-she's just text me saying she's at work."
"How do you know Maddie?" Carmel's eyes narrowed as if Harry was now under investigation, "She's never mentioned a 'Harry' to me before."
"No, we haven't- I've not seen her in five years."
"Five years?" Carmel turned to Ru - who nodded at her - then back to Harry, "Look, I'll- I'll get your things up to your room, you just go and find her." She stood up, tapping her multi-coloured fingernails against one another, "Look, pet, she's gonna be mad at first." Harry opened his mouth to interrupt Carmel but she held up her hand, "I didn't know who you were but I do now. Just let her be mad, okay?"
***
Harry had been stood outside of A Likely Story, psyching himself up, for the last ten minutes. Ru had dropped him off by the pharmacy and told Harry he'd swing back around in fifteen. Harry had thought about this moment countless times over the last five years but, now that he was here, his legs felt like they were made from lead. He couldn't stop thinking about the exchange between Carmel and Ru. The nod. What did it mean?
Harry spun around on the heel of his boot and took a step away from the bookstore when he heard a laugh that pulled him into a cloud of nostalgia, turbulence and heartache.
***
The room he walked into was empty.
The sound had gone and in its place was the warming scent of amber mixed with a vanilla sweetness. He peered his head around one of the corners but there was no sign of anyone.
"Can I help you?"
Harry shot round to find a little girl poking her head out of a cosily-lit reading corner, decorated with fairy lights and paper-mache story book characters. The little girl had big brown eyes, a prominent dimple on one cheek and chestnut coloured hair that curled at the ends.
"Hi, um- sorry." Harry's brown was telling him to stop staring but his heart was saying otherwise, "Sorry- I feel like I know y- sorry. 'm here to see- uh- Mad- Maddie."
"She's just popped out the back." The little girl closed the book she was reading, wiped her hands against her multi-coloured leggings and held out her hand, "I'm Edie. What's your name?"
"Hi, Edie." Harry shook her hand lightly, "I'm Harry."
A massive, loud crash startled both Harry and Edie as they turned their attention to the noise. Maddie was stood beside the counter, surrounded by a pile of books, with wide eyes and a startled expression.
"Maddie." Her name fell from Harry's lip in a breathless whisper. "Maddie, I-"
"-uh-oh! Somebody's made a whoopsie."
"Edie, can you go upstairs, please?"
"But-"
"-Edie."
Edie must've known from Maddie's tone that she wasn't messing around because after giving Harry a quick wave goodbye, she picked up her book and skipped off out of the room. Maddie waited until the footsteps on the stairs had disappeared and an upstairs door closed before speaking.
"What are you doing here?"
"Maddie, I-"
"-it's been five years, Harry." Maddie bent down and started picking up the books she'd dropped. "What the hell do you think you're doing - showing up here - after five years of nothing?"
"It wasn't, Mad-"
"-don't call me that. I don't- I don't even know you."
"It- it wasn't nothing." Harry stepped forward, "I thought about you-"
"-like that means anything."
"Maddie-"
"-I don't want you here." She looked up from the floor, "You should leave."
"'m sorry." Harry swallowed the lump in his throat, "'m really sorry."
"Please, just go."
***
Harry didn't talk to Ru on the drive back to Carmel's and, if he'd had his way, he wouldn't have talked to Carmel when he arrived back at the B&B but she'd cornered him by the stairs. Half of her hair was now clipped up with a large shell-shaped clip and she smelt like essential oils.
"She was mad, wasn't she?"
"Define 'mad'."
"Harry-"
"-she was fucking furious." Harry leant back against the wall, running his hands through his hair as he squeezed his eyes so tightly shut he could see stars, "She said she didn't want me here and that I should leave - which I should. I shouldn't have come. Stupid idea."
"She doesn't mean it, Harry," Ru chimed in, "She's just angry."
"Should I not be as well?" Harry sighed, "She didn't contact me either, 's not just me to blame."
"Yeah, but- the situation..." Carmel's voice trailed off as she looked over to Ru, "-it's difficult to explain."
"If you'll both, excuse me. I just want to lie down."
Harry ducked past Carmel and headed upstairs.
His mind was all over the place when he reached his room, making sure to lock the door behind him. He shouldn't have come. He was stupid to think that it would've all turned out fine. Of course it wouldn't. Who would think - that after five years of nothing - something could be picked up from where it was left? An idiot, a fantasist and a hopeless romantic named Harry Styles, that's who.
***
Knock-knock. Knock. Knock-knock. Knock-knock-knock. Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock.
Harry jumped up from his sleepy haze, quickly unlocked the door and swung it open. Nobody was there. He looked left and right, rubbed his eyes with his fists but the corridor was empty.
"Carmel said to come and get you." Harry's eyes travelled down to see a smiling Edie staring back at him. He hid his topless torso behind the door. "She said I can't take no for an answer."
"Wait there." Harry grabbed a t-shirt from his bag and quickly shoved it on, "Where is she?"
"Downstairs."
"Why are you here?"
"Carmel always gives me two pieces of cake."
Edie led Harry into the sitting room for the cottage where Carmel was sat on the window seat whilst Maddie paced the width of the room. "Here he is!" Edie ran over to Carmel, slipping her small hand into Carmel's, "Please can I have the cake now? Both slices, please, you promised."
"C'mon then, sweetheart."
Carmel shot Maddie a raised-eyebrowed glare before walking out of the room.
Harry waited for them to close the door before he turned to look at Maddie - who had now sat down and was staring aimlessly out of the window. Harry had waited for this moment for so long that he now had no idea what to say, what to do or how to act.
"Is she- is Edie-"
"-she's yours."
"-your cousin or something?"
Maddie's neck snapped round to meet Harry's wide eyes. He thought he was going to be sick. He was sure he was going to be sick. The acidic burn that was slowly rising up his throat was evidence enough that he was going to be sick.
"I thought you were going to ask-"
"-she- she's mine?" Harry's voice was so quiet, he wasn't sure if he'd actually spoken.
"God, I can't do this." Maddie stood up, "I never thought I'd have to do this."
"Why didn't you get in touch?"
"Why didn't you, Harry? I- I gave you my number. I left you a note."
"I lost it."
"What?"
"The bit of paper, I lost it." Harry watched as Maddie's brows knitted closer together. "I tried to find you, Mad. I really did but I didn't know anything. Your last name. Where you lived. What your job was. I knew nothing. Up until earlier today, I still didn't know anything." Harry looked away, "What about you? Have you known anything about me?"
Their eyes met and, in that moment, Harry knew she knew who he was. His last name. Where his old apartment was. What his job was. She even knew her brother was part of his band.
"I did try. It was just after your first single blew up. You were suddenly everywhere. You'd been nowhere for so long that it felt like I was dreaming when I saw it was you. I rung so many people. I told so many people the same story over and over - each time, it ended the same. They hung up. So I bought a ticket to a gig you were doing. I was so nervous but then I saw you. I saw you and everything else melted away. I thought you saw me too. I waited around the back - where all the fans were. I waited for you to come out and, when you did, your had your hand wrapped around someone who wasn't me and your lips were pressed against ones that weren't mine."
"I didn't know."
"Now you do."
"Mads, I only found about you yesterday. Ru was talking about his family and he mentioned your name. I didn't know it was you until I checked."
"Ru didn't know." Maddie breathed out, "I mean, he does now but he didn't, nobody did."
"Does she- Edie- does Edie know?"
"No." Harry's heart sank as Maddie continued, "Please don't think I expect anything, Harry. I don't."
"Maddie-"
"-Mummy, Carmel's said we can stay for tea if you say it's okay. Is that okay?"
Harry looked at Maddie with pleading eyes but her gaze was fixed on Edie.
"Not tonight, lovely. Nanny's making a roast." Maddie stood up and walked towards the door, holding out her hand for Edie to take, "We should get going anyway. Say goodbye to Harry."
"Bye, Harry."
Harry opened his mouth to say goodbye but they had both gone. His mind was everywhere and nowhere all at once. He couldn't focus. He had a daughter? He'd had a daughter for five years and, yet, he'd had no idea? Did Edie even know she had a dad? What had she even been told regarding the absence of a paternal figure in her life? He felt sick. The room was spinning. Harry shut his eyes, leant back against a wall and counted backwards from 30. His knuckles were white due to his tightly clenched fists and his breathing was beyond erratic.
He had no idea what to do.