no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

one

     "while this is a fully tragic incident, may we all rest in the knowledge and comfort that luke is resting with the lord."

     multiple people roll their eyes.

     the sky is grey, rain edging on and waiting to pour down on the cemetery full of fake people mourning someone they didn't even care about. the girls were there because he was hot and the sex was good. the men were there for the same reason as the women, but none of them would ever admit that they'd all been with him. the parents were there because they cared about him, deep down, regardless of the fact that they emotionally abused him for the first eighteen years of his life and caused him to move halfway across the world to get away from them. the girlfriend was there for the attention from all the mourners. the co-workers were there because it was the right thing to do. the best friends, however, were the three that cared. the three in black suits and sunglasses by the grave, red roses in their hands.

     calum hood throws the rose first. he was the one out of the group that luke had known longest. he was kind, funny, and compassionate. he taught luke how to cook, and play football. the boys met when they were 14; it suddenly feels like a lifetime ago, getting farther and farther from his grasp as calum stares at the hole in the ground. he talked to luke four days ago. they blared country music in luke's car as they drove down the 405 way too fast and stopped at in-n-out at midnight. luke had a strawberry milkshake and calum had a chocolate malt. the taste is just bitter to calum now.

     michael clifford throws his rose a few moments after calum does. michael was one of luke's dearest companions; and no one would ever speak of it, but the pair were rumored to have shared a kiss on news years eve in 2015. they were originally enemies; a fact that shocked everyone who found out. it was shocking because they seemed like they had been friends their entire lives; they shared most everything, and luke spent more time at michael's place than at his own. as michael stares down at the grave, he wishes more than anything that luke had stayed at his house just one more night.

     ashton irwin throws his rose down last. as the pastor spoke bible verses about a god didn't luke didn't even believe in, ashton clutched the stem of the rose with such force that his palm began to bleed. his rose was much darker than calum's or michael's- it was nearly black, and ashton couldn't help but think it was symbolic of the day. he didn't want to throw his rose. he didn't want to stand by the grave of his lover and pretend like they didn't worship each others bodies every night that luke's girlfriend was gone. he didn't want to pretend that this situation didn't completely gut him. he prays for the first time as he throws the rose. it's in his head, and it's short, and he's not even sure if he believes in whoever he's praying to. "please don't let him be gone."

     as the service concludes, the attendees make their way to their vehicles to soon convene in the mansion of mr. and mrs. hemmings, eat ten different casseroles, and pretend that anyone there actually cared about luke. the rain waits for almost everyone to clear out; calum, michael, and ashton stay. the boys stay until the last shovel of dirt is pat down over the grave and the burial ground custodian sticks a little plastic plaque in the ground, indicating that there's a person down there. the three men sit by the grave for what felt like an eternity, all of them in complete silence. none of them knew what to say. although, there was nothing to say.

     calum leaves first. his girlfriend stands back a bit, taking his hand in hers as the pair walks back to calum's car. calum cries himself to sleep against her chest that night. she doesn't know what that kind of loss feels like- she can't understand- but she wraps her smaller frame around calum's larger body and holds him. she helps him in the best ways she can. luke was grateful that she was in calum's life- he deserved her.

     michael is the second to leave. he gives ashton a light side hug before standing up, wiping the dirt off his pants, and retreating to his car. he rests his head against the steering wheel and cries for another five minutes. he quickly collects himself though, wiping the tears from his face as he drives away. he longed to have someone to go home to- but luke was the only person he ever went home to. overall though, he was angry at everything. he didn't understand why it had to be luke; he didn't think he would ever understand.

     ashton skips the reception completely. he knows exactly how everyone felt about luke and he didn't much care to mingle with any of them. he stays at the grave when the rain comes, beating down on him and soaking every inch of him. he doesn't care. he's completely broken, and angrier than he ever has been about anything. he doesn't even bother trying to make sense of any of it- there was no point. it didn't make any sense. it shouldn't be happening, and ashton has to keep reminding himself that it's real- that it isn't just a nightmare. he longs for it to be a nightmare.

     luke leans against a crypt across the field a few hundred feet, sighing as he stares over to ashton. he silently begs for ashton to leave, to not put himself through this.

     at least he got a reaction with this stunt, though.