no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

two

     it's not like luke wanted to fake his death. the last thing he wanted to do was destroy the lives of his best friends. however, he recently came to the conclusion that no one cared about him but himself, and his best friends.

     his girlfriend was self-centered, rude, and cold towards luke most of the time. she was just in it for the money, luke decided a while ago. there was an absence of love in their relationship and luke was completely shocked and appalled at the sight of her crying at his funeral. "so fucking fake." luke would mumble in a hushed whisper, shaking his head as scarlett cried.

     his parents were two of the worst people luke had ever known. he was most excited to see how they would react to his death. his mother sobbing at the funeral, making a scene, and saying how much she missed him was absolutely hilarious to luke; he knew she would still manage to be the center of attention at her own son's funeral.

     all his former lovers in one place was extremely amusing to luke. he knew wholeheartedly that they were only there because the sex was good and that they're disappointed they don't get it anymore. luke smiles fondly at the memories of every time he left a club with someone.

     his co-workers were completely heartless and luke wouldn't be surprised if they turned out to be demons. he absolutely had no regrets about his co-workers thinking he was dead.

     thinking about how it would affect calum and michael had luke wrestling with himself for a long time. he didn't want to break their hearts. he loved both of them more than almost anything and he desperately wanted to tell them, but he decided that no one could know. it was easier that way.

     and ashton- his ashton- fucked luke up most of all. he wanted more than anything to tell ashton that it was okay- that he was alive- but he knew he'd done something irreversible. luke was dead, and people can't come back from that and pretend it's okay. still, seeing ashton sit in the pouring rain at the graveside for over two hours after the funeral ended, broke luke's heart.

     ashton was luke's best friend as much as he was his lover. luke knew every inch of ashton's body, and ashton knew luke better than luke knew himself. luke loved ashton with everything he had, and leaving him was the hardest thing luke would ever do. the hopelessness draped across ashton's face as he sat at the gravesite destroyed luke inside. part of him began thinking of how it would work if ashton knew, but he talked himself out of it. he didn't want to drag ashton into his mess, he didn't deserve that. luke regretted a lot of things, but ashton would never be one of them.

     ashton wants to drown in the rain as it pours down on him. everything within him wants to hide away and stop existing. and the worst part of it was that no one knew about his relationship with luke. they were a secret from everyone; luke's relationship with scarlett made sure of that. no one knew, and no one could ever know. "don't speak ill of the dead," and all that shit. ashton was completely alone. he had no one to talk to about the pain he was feeling, and he couldn't let anyone see that luke's death was destroying him in every single way that it was possible for someone's death to destroy a person.

     ashton leaves the gravesite three hours after michael. he sits in silence in his car, staring down at the steering wheel for another ten minutes. he finally starts his car, sighing as he leans back in the seat. part of him imagines what would happen if he just didn't stop driving once he started, before he reminds himself that he still has a job. he still have calum and michael. he still has a life. he doesn't want it anymore.

     luke feels like a stalker as he watches ashton in his car. it wasn't ashton's car, it was luke's, and luke was really curious as to how ashton ended up with his porsche and not scarlett. he figured it would only have taken scarlett a day to get the car in her possession.

     the sinking feeling in luke's stomach worsens and worsens as he looks over to ashton. he hates every decision he's ever made that led to this moment.

     "what the fuck have you done?"

     "how could you do that to him?"

     "why did you leave him like that?"

     luke starts for the car before he has time to think about what he's doing, and talk himself out of it. he pulls his hood farther over his head as he walks, the rain soaking through the jacket anyway. he regrets everything.

     ashton jumps lightly at the sound of the car door opening. he sighs before turning his head towards the noise. part of him decides immediately that's he's hallucinating.

      luke pulls the hood off his head as he smiles softly at ashton.