no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

ten.

     ashton thought he'd never be able to cry more than he cried the day luke "died," but he was dead wrong. he can't see through his tears as he attempts to say goodbye to luke. he hates everything about the situation he's in.

     "i'm so sorry," luke says softly as he wipes the tears from ashton's cheeks. "i want you to move on, okay? and be happy. you deserve the world, ash."

     ashton shakes his head. another sob passes his lips and he can't even speak. luke pulls him into a hug and ashton can't control his sobs as he buries his head in luke's neck.

     "you are my most favorite person in the entire world, ashton." luke whispers as he lays his head on ashton's. "i'm so sorry i hurt you like this."

luke is gone just as quick as ashton got him back, and ashton wants nothing more than to stop existing altogether. watching luke leave took almost all the air out of ashton's lungs. after luke was gone, ashton immediately retreated to his bedroom and shut all the curtains before crawling under his blankets.

he shoves his face into his pillows as he cries. he feels empty- terrified that he'll feel that way for the rest of his life. he doesn't know how to exist without luke, and he almost feels like it's worse that luke's alive. at least when he was dead, ashton had no choice but to be without him.

as ashton stretches his arms out under his pillow, he's stopped by a piece of paper hidden under the pillow. he pulls it out, sitting up and turning on his light. it's a few sheets of paper folded together, and ashton's stomach drops as he unfolds the paper. he recognizes the handwriting immediately- it's luke's.

ashton loved luke with every single breath he had. before, ashton was unsure if he was even capable of feeling that way about somebody, but luke illuminated every part of him, and ashton illuminated luke all the same.

     hey ash, it's me, luke. you probably knew that; you always said my handwriting was unique, and by unique i know you meant ugly. it's okay. i'm writing this at 2am. you're asleep, obviously, and you are so, so beautiful. i'm writing this so i can tell you all the things i'm too terrified to say out loud.

     you are the sun. you are the joy that comes with the spring, and you are the cool water on summer days. you are a newly bloomed sunflower, a rainbow after a thunderstorm. you are the brightest light i have ever known, and leaving you is the hardest thing i have ever had to do, the single hardest thing i ever will do.

     when i faked my death, my only thought was what it would do to you. i never wanted to hurt you, and causing you the pain i did is something i'm always going to regret. i got myself into quite the mess, didn't i? i'm hurting you no matter what at this point.

     i never told you this, and i doubt i will in the few hours we have left together, because i'm a coward- but that was pretty obvious. i love you more than anything, ashton. i love you so much it hurts, and thinking about being without you is suffocating me. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me; being with you is the part of my life i will always look back on and smile.

i don't want to go, and i'd give anything not to, but i dug a hole and there's no coming back from the shit i did. but after i'm gone, i want you to find someone good, i want you to move on, be happy. take care of cal and michael. i hate that michael doesn't know, but it's safer that way.

i will love you for the rest of my life, ashton. i want you to know that. i know you have trust issues, i know it's hard for you to believe that someone could actually love you; but i want you to know that the way i feel about you is the most real thing i have ever known. it is indescribable the way i love you.

i could be selfish- get mad at you for not coming with me, but i have been so, so selfish throughout all of this, and you don't deserve that, so i'll end this here.

i love you more than anything. you are the best part of me. goodbye.

-luke.