no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

three

     "what the fuck?"

     "i know you've got a lot of questions."

     the sudden throbbing in luke's nose and the spots in his vision as blood begins to spill from his nose indicates to luke that ashton probably doesn't have as many questions as luke thought he did. "or not."

     "what the fuck is wrong with you?" ashton seethes, frozen in his seat as he has absolutely no idea what to do. "are you fucking joking?"

     luke shakes his head. "i know, i'm sorry-"

     "how the hell could you do that to me?" ashton yells, tears flowing from his eyes once more. he's quite literally seeing red. ashton prayed for the first time the day luke died, begging god or literally anyone that was listening to bring him back, regardless of the notion that it was impossible. he screamed until he physically couldn't, he hit his wall until his knuckles bled and he screamed every curse word he could think of at the world; but still, it didn't bring him back. as soon as ashton convinced himself to at least halfway accept it though, luke was suddenly alive, and sitting next to him.

     "i'm so sorry." luke says softly.

     ashton's grip on the steering wheel leaves his knuckles white as he attempts to get ahold of himself. "what the shit? you're fucking sorry? are you serious? you faked your goddamn death? what the fuck is wrong with you, luke?"

     "we should get out of here before someone sees me." luke swallows. "i'll explain, i- i promise, i just- we've got to leave."

     "i am not moving until you tell me what the fuck you did." ashton states through gritted teeth. he can't even think straight.

     "i faked everything, and-"

     "seriously?" ashton scoffs, looking back over to luke. "that's kind of obvious." he huffs.

     luke sighs. "it's really complicated, ash- and it's really not safe for you to even know i'm alive, but-"

     "then why the hell did you tell me?" ashton raises his voice once more. "you've got me so fucked up that you being here hurts just as bad as you being gone!"

     "i watched you, at the gravesite, and i- it broke my heart. i couldn't leave you like that." luke replies. "i really am sorry, ash."

     "i broke your heart?" ashton shouts. "are you kidding me? i haven't gotten myself to eat in three days because my existence is fucking meaningless and i have no idea what the hell i'm doing or who i am and-" he stops as a choked sob forces its way out his throat. he covers his mouth with his hand as he leans back in the seat.

     you should just be happy he's back, why are you freaking out?

     what's wrong with you? you love him, why are you yelling at him?

     "i didn't want to hurt you like that, ash- i didn't have a choice, okay? if i had any other option i would've chosen it." luke explains. his heart longs to hold ashton again; or to even touch him. he knows it's not the time, and he knows that ashton probably doesn't even want to look at him, but luke can't help but yearn for the boys touch. "let's get out of here, okay? let's go back to your place and i'll tell you everything. you need to change anyway- your clothes are soaked, i don't want you to get sick."

     ashton feels himself trying to smile for the first time in almost a week. he wants to force it back, to stay pissed at luke, but his heart is screaming and a small smile breaks out on his face.

     he loves him so fucking much.