no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

eight

     "ash, it's four o'clock in the morning." cal says softly as he rubs his eyes. "why are you up?"

     "i need you to talk me out of leaving with him." ashton says in a low voice as he bites as his nails, watching across the room to luke, from his own position in a chair in the corner. "i don't- i really don't wanna lose him again and- and i'm scared i'll go with him if no one tells me not to."

     calum sighs as he sits up. "you cannot throw away your life for him, ash. you have a good life here, and i need you, okay? i can't make it here without you, and if you try to leave with him i'll kill you."

     "he was dead." ashton whispers, choking back tears. "he died and i was never going to see him again then- then he was back, i-" he pauses to wipe the tears from his cheeks. "how am i supposed to just let him leave me again?"

     "how?" calum scoffs. "you shut the door behind him, and you move on. you find someone that isn't going to fake their fucking death just for kicks, and you build a life with them. luke is impulsive, narcissistic, and shady. he's my best friend and i care about him but i can't ignore any of that, and you can't either."

     "i love him more than anything." ashton swallows.

     calum rolls his eyes.

     ashton does, though. he realized a while ago that he had never loved anyone like he loved luke, and he probably wouldn't ever love anyone that radically again. luke was his one great love, ashton decided, and he couldn't just let him get on a plane and leave him forever... again.

     "i know, honey." calum sighs. "but this isn't healthy, and it isn't safe. you'd be putting yourself in danger if you left with him."

     "i don't- i don't know what to do, cal." ashton stutters. he's never been more confused, or more scared. "i don't know how to live in a world without him in it. i barely survived this past week, how am i supposed to survive the rest of my life?"

     "you barely survived because you were grieving." calum replies. "you're not meant to be fine then. it hadn't been long enough for you to even try to heal, and you can't judge the rest of your life based on how you felt after less than a week."

     "if he- if he leaves, i'm gonna start over. it'll be like he's dead, again, and- and i can't- i don't ever want to feel like that again."

     "what are you going to tell your family?"

     "what?" ashton furrows his brows.

     "if you leave, what are you going to tell your family?" calum asks again. "what are you going to say to your siblings? your mom? michael? you're still alive to them. luke is leaving because he's only alive to you, me, and a couple other people. he can leave. you can't, ash."

     "i'm going to bed." ashton says quietly.

     "do i need to worry about you skipping the country in the morning?" calum asks.

     "no," ashton shakes his head. "i won't go."

     ashton stares at the ceiling in the dark for over an hour after he hangs up with calum. he can't figure out if he was lying to calum about leaving or not. he did pack a suitcase, but it was more to see how he'd feel if he pretended he was doing it; he didn't tell calum about it. he also didn't tell calum that he wasn't as upset as he thought he would be when he did it. ashton knows that luke's offer would stay until he got on the plane, and it scared ashton that he was even considering any of it. part of him wishes that luke would've stayed dead to him.

     likewise, calum wishes that luke would've just fucked off to germany without telling either of them he was alive, because it probably would've been easier than talking ashton out of uprooting his life to follow luke. it's difficult though, because calum's grateful he and ashton have been spared the pain of thinking luke's dead; he just wasn't grateful for everything that came with them knowing, though.

     and truthfully, luke regrets telling ashton. he knew he was putting ashton in a terrible position, yet he still did it. he doesn't want to be alone, and he still wants to be with ashton. he blames it on love; most people would probably just call it narcissism. either way, luke knows he's fucked.