no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

five

     "you want me to what?"

     ashton was going to kiss luke, that is, until luke suggested ashton run away to a foreign country with him. ashton choked on his vodka, and ducked under luke's arms to frantically pace around the kitchen. he is so stressed out.

     "just think about it, okay?" luke turns around to face ashton. "our lives here suck, and you know it. we can start fresh- we can be together."

     "i'm not dropping my entire life and moving to a foreign country with you, luke." ashton sighs as he rubs his eyes. "i've still got a job- and i've got calum and michael. they already lost you, i'm not making them lose me too."

     "we can tell them." luke suggests.

     "no." ashton huffs, leaning against the counter. "i'm not having a debate about whether or not i'm going to erase my identity and leave everything i've ever known and everyone i love."

     "it's not that hard," luke shrugs as he grabs the vodka from ashton's hand. "you just have to know the right people."

     "and how the fuck do you know the right people?" ashton scoffs. "you're a fucking med student. you work at starbucks."

     luke rolls his eyes. "you don't know as much about me as you think."

     "fuck you." ashton snaps, before shoving past luke and walking towards his bedroom.

     "that's- that's not what i meant." luke sighs, following ashton to the bedroom. "you know what i meant."

     "i really don't." ashton replies. "do you know how fucking stupid you are?"

     "what?" luke furrows his brows.

     "i puked three times when calum told me, you know." ashton sits down on the bed, luke's old t-shirt in his hands, like luke was still gone. he is though, partially, ashton decides, because he clearly doesn't know all that much about luke- the real luke, anyway. "i cried myself to sleep because the bed smelled like you and you left this shirt here."

     luke sits down next to ashton. "i'm sorry."

     "fuck you," ashton looks down, fighting back the tears that he's been trying to hold back since he left the gravesite. "if you were sorry you'd stay. do you even give a fuck about me?"

     "of course i-" luke swallows the lump in his throat. he loves ashton more than anything. "of course i care about you. why do you think i want you to come with me?"

     "oh my god." ashton chuckles.

     ashton can't even begin to grasp the insanity, anger, and confusion he's currently feeling. however, he'd be lying if he said he didn't briefly consider going with luke. of course he thought of it; he loved luke more than anything, but dropping everything and leaving with him was completely outrageous and he knew he couldn't do it. he was also still so pissed at luke that he couldn't think straight.

     "are you going to tell calum and michael?" ashton asks softly. he's pretty sure luke answers, but he's kind of distracted tracing the tattoos on luke's chest and arm. the garden of wildflowers spanning from luke's wrist and wrapping around his shoulder, bleeding over to his chest was ashton's idea. luke wanted flowers, and he was ashton's wildflower.

     "i was thinking of finishing it, once i get to germany, you know." luke states. "do the cherry blossom tree on my side and connect it to the flowers."

     ashton smiles. "that'll be nice."

     it takes ashton about thirty seconds to realize luke said germany, before he shoots straight up in bed and looks down to luke. "fucking germany? seriously? why germany?"

     luke sits up and leans against the headboard. "it's the first place i thought of."

     "you're seriously doing this." ashton sighs.

     "dead serious."

     ashton rolls his eyes. "dude."

     luke laughs softly. he wanted more than anything for ashton go move to germany with him, but he also knew that ashton would never do that. as much as luke wanted him to, no amount of begging would be able to convince him.

     "did you really just fake your death to get away from your life?" ashton asks softly after a while. luke is almost asleep, his breathing starting to turn into soft snores as ashton lays with his head on luke's chest.

     "mhm?" luke mumbles groggily. "go back to sleep, love."

     "did you?" ashton asks once more.

     luke sighs. "no. i pissed some people off."

     "who?" ashton's brows furrow. he couldn't comprehend the thought of luke pissing anyone off. he was good-hearted, kind, and sweet. ashton couldn't understand.

    "the wrong people," luke chuckles. "you shouldn't even know, really. it could put you in danger."

     ashton sighs. he despises the thought of luke being on the run from people, completely alone in a foreign country. maybe he should go with him, ashton thinks as he dozes off.

     it might be nice.