no shame → l.h ⋆ a.i

four

     "dude." luke raises an eyebrow as he gestures towards all the empty bottles strewn across ashton's countertop.

     ashton slams his keys down on the counter as he glares at luke. "you fucking died," he huffs. "what the fuck did you expect?"

     luke shrugs. "i don't know."

     ashton rolls his eyes. he's never been so angry at one person before, but he's never been more in love, either. also, he still isn't completely convinced that he's not hallucinating. luke was dead. fully dead. he remembers the call too vividly for it to be fake.

     "it's- it's lu, ash."

     calum could barely even choke out the sentence. ashton dropped his phone on his kitchen floor and it stayed there until the next morning. ashton himself threw up three times before curling up in a ball in the corner of his bathroom and crying for five hours straight, before scarlett showed up at his door. she asked if luke left a will, or anything indicating who was getting what; ashton nearly punched her in the nose. she just wanted the porsche. the day seemed to be never-ending, one thing coming after another, and ashton was drowning. he brought a bottle of vodka into the shower that night and turned the water on high as he sat on the shower floor. he wasn't actively trying to kill himself, but he was pretty close. when he finally got into bed, he cried again because his bedsheets smelled like luke and luke had left one of his t-shirts on the bed the morning before.

     ashton didn't even get out of bed the second day. he ignored 207 text messages, and 136 phone calls. most of them were from family, friends, and friends of friends trying to make sense of being told that luke- the happiest, most lovely person they knew, had killed himself. ashton couldn't have cared less about any of them. he didn't eat or drink the entire day; the lump in his throat prevented it.

     the third day, calum forced him out of bed and to the visitation. he drank tequila from a flask throughout the day and was drunk by the time calum dropped him back off at his house that night. he spent two and a half hours calling and texting luke's phone in a desperate, hopeless attempt at getting him back. he spent the three hours after that scrolling through pictures and videos of luke. he passed out at seven in the morning, and was up by nine with a hangover and gigantic, red, puffy eyes.

     the fourth day was the funeral. he had to force himself out of bed, the sun shining through the curtains and stinging his eyes. he couldn't stand the fact that the sun came up. as far as he was concerned, the sun could fuck off. he could hardly find the energy to even brush his teeth, let alone put on a suit and drive himself to the funeral home. he got in a fight with luke's mom in the parking lot as soon as he pulled up because his mom was pissed about ashton getting the porsche. truthfully, ashton couldn't care less if he got the car, but none of luke's family liked ashton, so they had no problem starting fights with him. ashton cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes before calum came to get him for the service.

     at the graveside, the rose stem made ashton's hand bleed and he knew it was about to rain but he didn't care. he wanted to push scarlett into the hole in the ground, punch luke's mother in the face, kill himself after that. the only reason he didn't was because calum and michael were there and if ashton fell apart, so would they, and ashton couldn't handle it if they fell apart.

     "so, how'd you get my car?"

    "fuck you." ashton says through gritted teeth as he twists open another bottle of vodka. "i got it because your girlfriend is a bitch and i was not going to let her have it."

     luke smiles softly. "how long did it take for her to try and get it?"

     "five-ish hours." ashton nods as he leans against the kitchen counter. "she came over here, asking if you had a will or anything and i really considered hitting her."

     "wow," luke scoffs. "thought it would take her a little longer than that, at least."

     ashton sighs. "did you even think about what you were going to do after all this? or did you fake your death just for kicks?"

     "i'm leaving the country in a couple days." luke states. "i've got it handled."

     "so you came back to tell me you're alive, and now you're leaving again?"

     "no," luke shakes his head as he rests his arms on ashton's shoulders. "i want you to come with me."

     "what the fuck, luke?"