Three Years and One Lifetime

19

A/N: Thank you for over 10k reads!

Hailey doesn't say anything, because really, what is there to say? Nothing is going to bring him back. So instead, she simply pulls Jay into her arms and holds him close. She presses a gentle kiss to his jaw and rocks her body slightly as she might do with Jaiyana.

He takes a shuddering breath and she can't tell if he's crying or not because she can't see his face. She just continues holding onto him as he takes long, trembling breaths.

"I'm here," she whispers again and again until she finally feels him begin to relax against her. Then, she slowly breaks apart, just enough so she can see him properly. 

Shattered. That's the only word that can be used to describe the expression on his face right now. 

"Do you want me to go get you some tissues?" she gently asks, wiping away a single tear from his cheek.

"Stay?" he whispers, voice broken, and her heart squeezes in response. There's so much behind that one word.

"Yeah," she whispers. "I can stay."

"And can you..." he starts to ask and then pauses, struggling to get the painful request out. "Will you come with me to the service?"

"Of course I will" she manages with a whisper, her own eyes now welling up, and he loves her so fiercely in this moment. The way she understands his pain to a point where she feels it with him, the way she held him and comforted him, no one could do that except her.

He nods, throat attempting to work for several moments before he finally chokes out, "Thank you, Hailey."

She suddenly looks toward the door and he's confused for a second before following her line of vision to see Jaiyana standing there, sleepy-eyed and yawning, one hand rubbing at her half-opened eye, the other clutching her favourite teddy.

"Hi Ana," Hailey says softly, quickly blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill moments earlier and smiling at their daughter. "Did you have a good nap?"

Jaiyana nods, still yawning widely. "I up now," she mumbles, clearly only half awake. She's usually pretty energetic after her nap, so whatever Jay occupied her with before her nap, it clearly wiped her out. 

"I see that," Hailey says, amused. 

The little girl blinks her eyes a few times, looking at Jay's red rimmed eyes curiously. "Daddy?" she questions.

"Daddy's just a little sad right now," Hailey explains, gently, walking over and lifting Jaiyana into her arms. "Let's give Daddy a hug, shall we? Make him feel better?"

Jaiyana nods and Hailey sets her down next to him. Jay braces himself for the emotional impact of this hug, hoping not to break down in front of their daughter, but is surprised to feel nothing but comfort when Jaiyana climbs into his lap and wraps her tiny arms around him. Hailey then wraps her arms around him, sandwiching their daughter perfectly between them. Jay rests one hand on Jaiyana's head and the other on Hailey's back, and in this moment he thinks nothing has ever grounded him more and made him feel more grateful to be alive. 

They stay like that for a while, until Jaiyana eventually begins to fidget. Hailey pulls apart, and slowly rises to her feet. "You stay here with Daddy while Mommy goes to make dinner, okay?"

"Me hold Daddy," Jaiyana agrees, grinning up at him adoringly, completely unaware of the emotional impact of her simple statement. Jay's heart swells in his chest and he blinks against the stinging in his eyes. 

Hailey feels it too, and has to stop and compose herself for a few seconds before speaking again. "What do you feel like for dinner?" she asks.

He's about to say "nothing", but remembers the little girl in his embrace who's relying on him to take care of himself. "Anything's fine," he says. After a pause, he adds "Thank you, Hailey."

...

They lay him to rest on a gloomy Friday morning. The stormy clouds above feel dark and heavy, fitting for the sombre occasion. The whole unit is in attendance, paying respect to a former member of the team.

Jay maintains a strong and stoic front the whole time, and for the most part, he covers well. Hailey knows him though, and doesn't miss the way his lips tremor slightly from time to time as he holds himself together. 

She's hardly left his side in the past few days, both taking a brief furlough. Voight offered a week off for Jay, knowing how close he was to Mouse, and didn't hesitate to agree when Hailey asked for a week off too so she can be there for him. 

She's not taking care of him because she feels obliged to. She wants to be there for him, and he's letting her. He wants her there. 

She's filling the roles, she knows, that a partner would fill in a time like this. Not a police partner, a life partner.

It feels wrong to think about their relationship now, in light of such a profound loss, yet what better time to reflect on your life, on where you are and how far that is from where you want to be?

I'm almost there, she thinks, to where I want to be...to where I want us to be. We're so close. 

When the indoor service ends and they move to the cemetery for the graveside portion, she feels him stiffen next to her. He's done his duty as a pallbearer, given a short, heartfelt eulogy, and the casket has been safely delivered to its final resting place. He's brought his friend as far as he can, and now it's really time to say goodbye.

The sudden tension in his body is probably the first significant reaction she's seen all day, perhaps even the first since the day he found out the news. All week, he'd seemed so in control of his emotions, it wasn't like anything she'd seen before. He wasn't being reckless and falling into old habits, which was a relief, but the quietness was still unsettling. She hadn't pushed him to open up or express his emotions though. As long as he doesn't spiral, she's going to allow him to grieve the loss when he's ready.

She'll be patient, and she'll be there for him when it does happen, because she loves him. It's that simple.

His eyes are still dry as they cover the casket, but she notices how his hand shakes as it releases the handful of earth.

After the service ends, he spends some time visiting other graves in the military cemetery. Hailey understands his need to do so, and waits patiently inside the car, giving him the privacy he needs.

She doesn't say a word as he climbs silently into her car. His hand blindly searches for hers as he stares out the passenger window with a blank expression. She feels the chill in his fingers when they interlace with hers, and she presses a comforting kiss against his knuckles before driving them home.