Three Years and One Lifetime

20

Jay still hasn't uttered a single word by the time they enter the quiet house. Jaiyana is with Natalie, and Hailey finds that the apartment is strange, though not unwelcoming, without the sounds of their daughter's happy chatter. She takes off her dress shoes and places them on the rack, noticing the empty space where Jay's polished shoes should be.

He never wears his shoes inside.

She allows him to return into his room and takes out her phone to call Natalie. While she waits for her to pick up the phone, she picks up a couple of Jaiyana's scattered toys and tosses them back into her toy basket next to the TV stand.

"Hi Hailey, how was the service?" she hears Nat ask.

"It was okay, I guess," she replies, unsure of how to describe such a somber event.

"And how's Jay?" Nat asks, gently.

"Alright, I think. Just quiet," she replies as she picks up Jaiyana's soft, faded purple blanket and begins to fold it. She brings the square of fabric to her nose and breathes in, taking in the sweet smell of her daughter. "How's Ana?" she asks.

"She's good. She's building a castle with some blocks right now. Do you want me to put her on the phone?" she asks.

"No, it's fine. Let her play," Hailey says, setting the baby blanket on the couch. "Are you still okay with her staying the whole day?" she asks.

"Sure. My night shift doesn't start until after dinner. I can keep her till then. That way she and Owen can have a while to play together after he gets back from school. You guys take all the time you need."

"Thanks," Hailey says, gratefully.

"You go be with Jay," Natalie says. "Ana's fine here. I'll see you guys tonight," she finishes before they say goodbye and disconnect the call. Hailey sits in the unusual silence for several seconds before rising to her feet and making her way to Jay's room.

She finds him sitting on the foot of his bed, shirt half unbuttoned, head bowed. 

"Jay," she calls softly, not wanting to scare him. When he meets her eyes, they're glassy and red rimmed. Her own eyes start to well up at the shattered look on his face.

"I'm here, Jay," she whispers, kneeling in front of him and wrapping her arms around his body.

He begins to shake as the wave of emotions finally break open the flood gates. This is the undoing that he'd known was coming, the breaking apart he's been avoiding for the past week, maybe even the past three and a half years, ever since the day Hailey showed up in the parking lot of his apartment demanding him to tell her face to face that he didn't want them...the day he watched her back away from him crying, and disappeared from his life. He lets it all wash over him in a violent wave - Mouse, Hailey, Jaiyana. He feels breathless, as if the waves of emotion were slamming him against the rocks, but he lets the moment happen, because he knows what's on the other side is better - the calm after the storm. 

He finds a sense of comfort in letting go, in the solace that comes from fully allowing yourself to grieve a loss. He's not sure how long he cries for, but he knows Hailey is there with him the whole time, sometimes crying with him, sometimes simply holding him and silently promising to stay.

When the storm passes and he comes back to himself, she's still kneeling there in front of him, body pressed against his. His dress shirt is still open, and her hands have snaked their way around his bare torso. Despite the warmness and softness of her touch, he eventually pulls back so he can wipe his own eyes. Then, he shrugs off his dress shirt as if it's the most natural thing in the world and gently dabs each of Hailey's cheeks. Tossing the now half damp and wrinkled bundle of fabric to the floor, he reaches up to cup her face in his rough palms. Their eyes burn into each other's with a look so intense it's completely indescribable.