Stars (Reddie fanfic)

Chapter 42: Flame

(Richie)

I feel bad that I've let Eddie hide how he was really feeling for so long. I kept wanting to believe him when he said he was fine, he clearly isn't. But he's definitely not damaged!

I notice when I confronted him when I cupped his chin lovingly, he flinched, but when I forcefully grabbed him, he excepted the pain. I wasn't trying to hurt him, but I think I still might have.

That makes me angry. Those people twisted in his head to make him believe he deserves to feel pain and he should not only expect it, but except it. But a comforting touch is something he now associates with pain too.

I love him so much and I want to help him. Help fix the damage the treatment caused. But make sure he understands we're not fixing him because there's nothing wrong with him.

Eddie and I were taking a walk through the park path. He was twiddling his thumbs. "So how in the world do we fix this?"

"I don't know, It might take time. But I'm here for you the whole way. You helped me after you saw what happened with my dad and now it's my turn to return the favor."

He smiles warmly, "only difference is, I cleaned up a few cuts. This isn't something hydrogen peroxide and bandaids will fix." He giggles

"That could work! You never know, Eds!" I say sarcastically

"Don't call me that."

"You've let my nickname slip a lot lately. I'm starting to think you like it." I wiggle my eyebrows at him teasingly.

"Shut up!" He playfully slaps my arm. Then Eddie fell silent.

We continue our loop of the park. "But seriously. How can we repair what they did? They called this 'devious behavior' the way they described this," he gestures his hand back and forth between us. "Most of the time that was worse than anything else. The doctor even went so far as to say that you never actually cared about me. And even though I knew it was a lie... it still hurt."

"You're right. It was a lie because I do care about you. I missed you like crazy while you were gone."

He looks up to me with big sad eyes. I wish I could crawl into his brain and destroy these memories that are hurting him so much.

"But I know you can overcome this!" I say confidently

"How do you know?"

"Because you're strong!"

He shakes his head in disbelief. "No, I'm not. I've never been strong."

I stop walking and pull his hand to stop with me. "Yes you are! You were strong enough to confront your mom about the pills when you found out they were gazebos and strong enough to confront her when you got back. You were strong enough to continuously defy what the doctors said. Strong enough to break out. And now your strong enough to beat this!" I speak with force, trying to get him to understand.

He looks up at me wistfully, like he's trying to comprehend what I'm saying. But I can tell the wall keeps my words at bay.

"But I wasn't strong enough to stop taking the pills entirely, I still need my inhaler sometimes. I wasn't strong enough to defy them the entire time because I finally gave in and agreed, even if it was just once it still happened. I was able to break out, but that was like a one time crazy adrenaline. And if I really was strong, I wouldn't let what happened effect me now."

My heart pinches with hurt. How can he think so lowly of himself? "There's a flame inside of you, Eds. Let it burn!"
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(Eddie)

I didn't understand what Richie meant. I've acknowledged other people having this flame, but it's been stifled my entire life I doubt it's still alive. And even if it is alive, I don't know how to let it take control.

Stan and I got ice cream and I told him what Richie said.

"Yeah, I know what he's talking about." Stan says simply, licking his twist cone.

"You do?!"

"You always call it an adrenaline boost, but it's the same thing. It's that little spark that gets a person passionate. Everyone has one."

I eat my ice cream cone silently for a second before responding. "Do I use mine?" I'm asking seriously

Stanley laughs, "of course, idiot! It's what made you punch the window down in the asylum. Its what made you hold onto your sanity in that place too. You used it when you told your mom off." He takes another lick, "and believe it or not, you've used it the entire time you've been together with Richie."

"What? How?"

"Well, for starters you used to be terrified about being gay, but now you have a boyfriend. You used it when you helped Richie after what happened with his dad. You used it countless times trying to keep Richie safe from your mom. You took more of those special pills while you've been with Richie because that strength was growing faster and faster each time you were with him. It ignited something in you that terrified your mom, that's why she always wanted to stifle it. And I gotta say, you two definitely fuel each other."

"How do I fuel Richie? He's already strong without my help."

Stan finishes his ice cream. "While you were gone I was meeting up with Richie. I went to his house and was waiting outside for him when I heard screaming from inside. Richie's dad was drunk and yelling at him about being gay. But I heard the whole thing, Richie wouldn't back down to anything his dad said Because he loves you so much. He defied him because even though you were gone, you gave him the strength to finally fight against his dad."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, Richie didn't tell me any of this.

"After that his dad left and hasn't been back sense... I don't know what the deal with his mom is, but he fought and his dad clearly couldn't take it because that fucker hasn't shown his face again so far."

"See? He's strong. He defied when I couldn't." I don't see how this story was supposed to help.

"But you defied what your mom said about him. You defied her when you got back and you both haven't seen each other sense. Those people in the asylum were terrible to you, but your mother was the reason for all of this. You defied the source of the problem. That's how you're strong." Stan spoke genuinely

He helped knock down another brick from the wall. I could start to see the light that was on the other side.