Bad Kind of Butterflies ♧ DazaiXReaderXDOA

10. Giving In to Temptations

Sleeping has become almost impossible since you'd seen the decay of angels again. The moment your eyes close, you see Fyodor's taunting eyes in the back of your mind, Nikolai's words echoing in your head, and Sigma always so out of reach. You feel a pull towards them, like you want to keep chasing them and pleasing them. You want to feel their presence next to you, you want the closeness they teased you with...

But it's not only the memories of them that keeps you awake. Someone else is stuck in your head. You feel fear every time the memory of him escapes the cage that you make around certain experiences to avoid situations like these.

Dazai.

You want to know where he's staying, you want his attention back on you. You know he's a threat to the secrecy of this casino...but what's life without a little risk? You've been running your whole life, even when you came across this casino. You don't let life catch up to you, you only use your first name...you want to survive by any means necessary and you want to live properly. After your conversation with Gogol, however, the definition to that was changing for you.

I want to challenge what living freely is.

I want to find my own answers instead of depending solely on the decay of angels-

"[f/n]?"

You come to a halt in the first floor halls of the sky casino, where your ears on your heart had taken control of your head and brought you to a hotel room. You hadn't noticed you had knocked, and you certainly hadn't noticed when the door opened until your name was called.

My damn ability was able to search for and recognize a heart beat while I longed to hear it...it rarely happens but this is so embarrassing...

You focus on the young man who had opened up to greet you, and butterflies seemed to have re-awakened in your stomach as Dazai smiles at you knowingly, his brown hair messier than usual, his clothes much more laid back than you'd last seen him; a loose white turtleneck on him, bandages still visible, with dark pants complimenting his whole aesthetic.

"What are you doing here?" Dazai asks innocently, though you know he's more than pleased to have you at his door...or perhaps it was the mere self-satisfaction to have any woman seeking him out.

"I um...I wanted to see you."

Dazai looks you up and down, unconvinced on your answer but holding back loud laughter, excitement in his eyes nevertheless.

"Have you finally realized we are simply meant to be? You'd be making my investigation a whole lot easier!" The brunette exclaims excitedly, walking towards you with an arm outstretched until you hold out your hand against his chest, stopping him from going any closer to you.

"I'm willing to talk to you. But...I have not decided on whether or not helping you is worth it. Not that you'd find much anyways, of course."

"Not even you believe that. I'm guessing someone has been keeping you out of the loop? Maybe you're too much of a gamble...one I'm willing to risk it all on." Dazai lowers his voice now that he's closer to you, one eyebrow raised as he grins devilishly.

"Flirting isn't going to get you anywhere"

"You're the one that showed up at my door."

You let go of Dazai as he says that, serving him an annoyed look before he opens the door to his room wider, inviting you in. You eye the entrance wearily though you don't stop to reconsider as you take his offer, walking in to the small generic casino hotel room that belonged to Dazai for the time being.

His room is clean, a suitcase with clothes in it and a bag laying next to it with items unknown to you sits at the opposite end of the room. The bed isn't made, but it isn't terribly messy either. As you walk in, you make your way to the small window that is just by the bed, the evening sky giving a pink and purple hue to the clouds floating by the Sky Casino. With a view like this, it was hard to feel trapped for very long.

Even then...

"Has anyone ever asked you what being free is to you?" You call out to Dazai curiously, hand hovering over the window before you turn around to see him gazing at you, head tilted and arms crossed in front of his chest like he was trying to make a decision.

At the sound of your question, Dazai purses his lips together in thought before shaking his head.

"No...but if you asked I'd happily take my time to answer."

There's a moment of silence where neither of you pick up the conversation, but there is no tension in the air. Leaning back on the wall behind you, you let out a deep sigh, the sleepless nights you had had since the meeting catching up to you.

"Am I trapped, Dazai?" You ask another question, this time your voice softer, shaking. There's fear in your inquiry.

Gogol's questionnaire left a ripple through your thoughts, and there was no stopping them.

"What do you mean?"

"I want to live. But I know this isn't the way to do it. Even knowing that...why am I satisfied? Why do I not push at the pulls and the twists and turns? Do I really have a greater purpose? Or am I just hanging on to some man's words through my own illusions? Am I being led on? What am I protecting? Do I really have choices?" As you talk, your tone growing in volume, your hands come together and start squeezing each other, your head coming off the wall as you step forward frantically.

"I ran a long time ago to get away from the sticky net of my family, and I ended up here. I don't want to be restrained, I don't want to feel like I'm carrying chains all over. I was discovered as an ability user in this casino as I exhausted my stay...and now I feel my strings being pulled like a puppet...but I keep being told it's greater than that. I have no proof...but I want to believe them, believe that I was chosen in some way. In fact, I do believe in them, and in the manager's dedication to this casino...but Dazai...you're in my head too now! I can't...I don't know how to...and I hear it all. Everything is constantly echoing in my head as if I don't already know what's going on. Every heart beat, every feeling, I don't know how to control it..."

By the time you've stopped, you're out of breath. Your legs are shaking and your heart has jumped out of your chest, your hands had gone from holding each other for the comfort of the pressure to nervously playing with your hair. You didn't mean to say so much, in fact you hadn't meant to say almost anything at all, but as soon as you started you couldn't stop. Like a ball set in motion, it was unnatural for you to stop. Part of it was you being you, but another part of it was due to your ability. You acknowledged it as one of your greatest problems. When overwhelmed with the secrets of your own heart beat, you simply have to tell your tale.

"[f/n]...living isn't the same to everyone. If you told me even a little bit of what is really going on around here...I could help you. I think you've been caught up in something you don't even understand yourself." Dazai says softly after you've calmed down, walking over to you and taking your hands in his, holding them tightly as he smiles at you warmly like all was fine if you only trusted him a little more. His rich brown eyes reflect the golden glow of the sun as he does, and you want to melt in them like you had before.

"You only want any of that for your own personal gain. I may have talked more than I should have but I'm not stupid."

Dazai chuckles before he speaks again, pushing a stray piece of hair away from your face, getting closer and closer.

"Is it so bad to want things for yourself? Isn't part of living to define your own freedom? Isn't that what you want? Why don't you let me help you forget the other people and ideals stuck in your head...if you helped me...I promise I wouldn't let you fall, but fly." The attractive 22 year old whispers sweetly in your ear, and you know he wants you to give in.

You want to give in too.

I know he's just a smooth talker, the way his heart beats so calmly like a rehearsed lie...

But after everything would it be so bad to have a taste of what the bad kind of adrenaline feels like?

You lean in closer to Dazai, your comfort and relief just in reach.

Nikolai asked me what I was waiting for...

But maybe I just craved for a chance to test some waters.

I don't need the key just yet, Nikolai...

I'm perfectly fine controlling my cage...for now.

Right?

Then, slowly but surely, you kiss Dazai.