Bad Kind of Butterflies ♧ DazaiXReaderXDOA

18. Heart Beats

You aren't sure what has come over you. Ever since Nikolai talked to you, you feel as if something cracked inside you, a screw loosened. The control drilled inside your head is slowly peeling away it's covers, and the hyper-awareness tries to pull you back under the drowning beats of the human hearts all around you.

Who am I?

You sit in your empty room after what feels like days, awake as if you've woken up from a fever dream. So many voices echo in your head, so many sounds overwhelm you. Your head pounds, you feel your whole body shaking. You don't know yourself anymore, you don't know who you belong to; every part of you feels like someone else's...not yours. Instinctively, you look around for your clock, trying to figure out what time it is, what day it is. You are completely overwhelmed.

As you move over your small bedside table to check the time, your accidentally knock over Gogol's music box that had stopped playing a long while ago, the box falling to the floor and shattering. You jump as you turn to see the small music box fall apart, a deep regret shadowing over your heart. You're scared that he was going to come looking for it only to find you broke it helplessly, scared that he was going to find you and turn away, selling you out to the other angels.

But I shouldn't be. He isn't the one that gets to decide right? It's all...

It's all...

Fyodor Dostoevsky.

You shudder as you think his name, instinctively biting your lip with a sigh as you turn back to the clock, staring at the numbers bleeping at your screen.

Oh...this is broken too. How long..?

A slight suspicion in you is sure Nikolai had unplugged it purposefully the last time you saw him, but you had no memory of that. All you could recall was his face so close to you, his thoughtful and curious expressions...

So odd.

Getting up from your bed, you walk towards your door and open it just enough for you to peak outside. A light breeze hits you as you do, and you let out a deep breath as the hearts from each person close to you becomes louder, a drumming in your ears. You listen closely to the patterns, eyes following anyone walking down the halls...

It's probably almost afternoon.

After coming to that conclusion, you close the door and look down at yourself, realizing you were still wearing the clothes Sigma had let you borrow, you decide to take a shower and change into your uniform, forcing yourself to go back to work. Stripping and turning on the small shower to the hottest setting, you step in and let the water run over you, muscles relaxing under the heat, all the marks from the days you were gone visible. Beautiful. Terrifying.

Once you're done showering, you step out and rummage through your clothes for your uniform, finally finding all the pieces to it and changing in, drying you hair before you go. Opening your door once again, you are met with a lively atmosphere. Quickly, you close your door behind you and walk down towards the casino where a lot more people than you remember seeing usually are following. Walking in, you notice that the casino is more full than usual, and you can't help but be in awe of the chaos.

The only problem there, is your ability. Less in tune with your admiration of the busy crowds, the heart beats of everyone make your head hurt like crazy, causing anxiety in you. As you had said, Fyodor had taught you to control it, but something was wrong now.

You hear and feel everything again.

Trying to ignore it, you step into the crowds, pushing past people to get to the usual table to work. Upon seeing you, some of your colleagues wave you over, speaking so low you can't hear them, so you just end up following them until it's you that's working the game again. Amongst the crazy, this was the most normal thing that had happened in a while. You and the cards once again working to entertain.