The Day After He Killed Himself

Chapter 17

  It's been two weeks since I made it onto the cheerleading team. I've been practicing non-stop so that I know all the choreography and stunts. They wouldn't let me cheer until I had everything perfect, and tonight is finally that night.

I haven't even dared to put on my cheerleading uniform. The 6 that was sewn onto it terrifies me, I know I'm not a size 6. I know I never will be though I have been working out like crazy and barely eating anything and hope to lose a few pounds for tonight.

When I asked my mom why we don't have a bathroom scale, she said some crap about 'Having the perfect body positivity and not the perfect weight.'

The cheerleaders have a tradition of wearing their uniforms on Fridays at school. I can only imagine all of the stairs I'm going to get walking down the hallway in this uniform. All of the football players know that I made it on the team, so I'm not worried about them nor any of the other popular people because I'm sure they've all heard and gossiped about me.

What I'm terrified of are the people who I haven't talked to in years, people who just know me as Logan's twin sister or the ones who don't even know that Logan has a sister. Their stairs are going to be the worst because they'll be judging me, and they don't even know me.

I'm sure people will mutter things as I walk down the hallway about my massive thighs and how they don't belong anywhere near a skirt. Or how my fat is about to rip through the fabric of this tight tank top.

People will call me a bitch, attention-seeking, and some might even call me a slut.

Maybe that's what I am, but I sure as hell hope not.

My door opened, and I turned to see my tall, handsome, perfect-in-every-way twin brother. "Hey." Heat chirped. "Almost ready to go?"

"Ya, almost," I muttered, though I didn't take my eyes off of my mirror. I have this cheerleading uniform against my skin, and I knew there is no way I was going to fit.

"Excited to wear it for the first time?" Logan entered my room slowly, clearly aware that something was bothering me.

"Not really," I told him honestly.

"Why not? You're going to look beautiful." He stood behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"When you look at me, what do you see?" I asked, and looked at him through the mirror.

"Well, I see a smart, Independent, gorgeous girl I'm lucky enough to call my sister." He smiled, and I forced myself to smile back at him. He gently took the cheerleading uniform out of my hands and tossed it on my bed. "When you look at yourself, what do you see?" I was shocked by his question; I expected him to make some witty remark and run out of the room laughing though he let his eager eyes soften into compassionate ones.

I know that Logan's perfect, I know that he could never see anything wrong with himself because quite frankly, there was nothing wrong with him. Though in the back of my mind, I thought maybe, just maybe The thoughts that are running through my mind have run through his.

I tried to think of an answer to his question; I knew what he wanted me to say. What society wants you to say. I should say I think I'm perfect in every way possible, but what's the point of saying it if it's not true?

I try so hard to make myself what I consider to be perfect. Every day I stare in this mirror, and I pick out every single flaw I have. I strive to fix anything I can fix, and I'm paranoid over the things that I can't.

It's an awful feeling to try so hard to be perfect yet hate what you look like no matter how hard you try to fix yourself.

"I see someone-" I stopped myself. For once in my life, could I just say what I mean? "I see... I see a fat ugly dumb girl, who isn't special in any way and seeks attention and validation every possible way she can."

As the word slipped out of my mouth, it felt like the weight went with them. I felt Logan's arms wrapped tightly around me, and he started talking, but I didn't hear. I continue to stare at myself in the mirror, wondering if I would ever like the person who was looking back at me.

"I want to like myself, Logan." I finally told him. "I want to put on that cheerleading form and love how it looks no matter what."

I finally made direct eye contact with him, and I could tell by his missy blue eyes that these exact thoughts have run through his head before. I just wondered what else we thought about that was the same. God, I hope there wasn't much.

"Then do it." He told me without any hesitation in his voice. "Don't be afraid to be confident. It's okay to allow yourself to be happy with yourself."

It made sense. After 18 years of listening to Logan talk about nonsense, something he said makes sense. "Can you leave?" I asked him, only not because I wanted to be alone with my sorrows, but I needed to be alone to get changed. No matter how it looks or how tight this uniform is, I'm going to wear it to school with confidence, and nobody is going to show me otherwise.

Logan smiled and headed for the door. "I'll meet you in the car Riv, take your time." With one last genuine smile, He shut the door, and I was left alone with myself. And that might have been the worst person to leave me with.

I slipped the top on first, and then I had to zip up the skirt. I think the Lord except, and as expected, it was tight. Once I got the full thing on, I braced myself before I turned around and saw my reflection.

I closed my eyes and slowly shuffled my feet, so I was facing my mirror. I quietly counted to three and then opened my eyes.

What I saw in the mirror I'll never forget. I didn't recognize myself; I didn't look like me. The uniform is tight, but I think it was meant to be tight. My long, light brown hair flowed perfectly out of the high ponytail and landed on my shoulders. The skirt head just enough of my thighs, so when I walked, you didn't see them rubbing. And my eyes sparkled as I saw myself. I was happy with my reflection, I wasn't perfect by any means, but maybe just for today, I can let myself be satisfied with what I accomplished so far.

I finished the look by placing a large orange bow in my hair and ran out the door with an extra pep in my step.

Logan and I walked into school, finally looking like the perfect pair of twins. He smiled at me when we parted ways as if to say good luck.

When I walked down my first hallway, I felt like all eyes were on me. Maybe they were, perhaps they weren't. I just know I didn't stare at the ground or try to hide. I walked down the hallway and kept my chin up high, not caring about how I looked but happy about how I felt.