A random book

20. Rewinding Pretend

i'm angry.
i'm sad.
i'm disappointed.
the next, i'm alone.
i'm detached.
i'm not really in my head.

i pass out,
nightmares.
knives slit throats,
heads roll over.
please tell me the story is over.

you run, i run.
for your greed of blood,
can't tell if i can trust anyone.

hyperventilating,
fast.
crying while,
suffering.

all of the painful murders of my family.
can't decipher what my brains trying to send to me.
it's very scary to me, it's crazy but you don't see.
it's vivid, but it's imaginary.
i tell myself that it's just a dream.
but it's a lie, that's what my brain schemed. i scream, i can't have this happen again. it stopped and now the camera is rolling. what do i do? how to get out? i scream and i shout, i'm tough but i'm not and i'm weak and can't control my thoughts. it stops once i jolt awake, panting because it's so hard to take. i stay awake, alone, trying to ease into the pain because i know it'll never go away.

i flinch at the show of a hand,
i dunno why i stand
back and i wish i could say it was planned. but it's not and i cry because i don't know why it feels like i'm going to die or get hit by a bus or something else but maybe i'm nuts.

wish people could call my bluff, tell me "it's alright" but life gets harder and nobody has that at night.

just tell me i'm alright.
just tell me i'm alright.
please say i'm fine.
i'm overreacting and it isn't real, the feelings i feel, are nothing compared to now. i should calm down, and for everyone's sake leave so i should stop talking.
keep my head down and be quiet while my demons are walking. here i go again, walking round and playing pretend. i don't know if it'll ever end, i know it won't but it'll get better if i play pretend. it'll go away if i just act like it's the end, i promise i'll be fine just don't pay attention to it.

there's still a smile on my face.